AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

If this doesn't improve once I start earning and he reaches his savings target I'm going to insist on counselling.

Sadly I think you will find that the savings 'target' is never disclosed or reached. At best it will always be moving, but only in one direction.

I never understand it when couples earn hugely different amounts an divide bills based on their earnings.

Eg. Man earns £3,000 per month, woman earns £1,000 per month. Man pays 75% of bills. Bills cost £3,000 per month so man pays £2,250 woman pays £750.

Man has £750 spare per month, woman has £250 spare. Plus man has a lot more in his pension.

If you want to split bills, make sure you both have same spending/saving money.

I really do understand the presumption of shared finances in a marriage as if it’s the zenith of commitment

This would really bother me. We do have separate current accounts but everything in them is our money. We have full access to each other’s cards (mine is currently in his wallet and he’ll use it to get some shopping in the morning) and a joint savings account (which he puts more in than I do). He’s got a credit card and if I want to use it, I’m free to do so. Neither of us would dream of keeping a ‘tab’ for the other. If one of us has money and the other doesn’t, then we share. It doesn’t matter who pays for lunch if we’re out because the other one will pay for something else at some point. We’re married. It’s ours. Otherwise, what’s the point?

I do know someone whose husband keeps track of whose turn it is to pay to the extent that if they go out for coffee and she has a cake, he’ll either ask her for the extra money or has cake when it’s her turn, even if he doesn’t really want any, just so he doesn’t spend more than she does. She finds it exhausting (even though she’s pretty frugal herself). It’s no way to live.

You may not have kids but no birth control is perfect so you could very well end up pregnant even if you are not planning to be. Raising children with a man who is tight with money is miserable. Men like this count housework, childcare, and the health effects of pregnancy as worth zero. You could end up having to quit your job to care for children and STILL be treated as if you are a freeloader when you ask him for money to feed and clothe his child.

Do you do more housework than him? Do you do his laundry? Cook more than him? Start charging him for services. If he wants to count the value of everything, he can at least be consistent about it.

I would remind him of the vow he made before God at your wedding: “With all my worldly goods I thee endow.”
Ask him if he is prepared to honour his vows or face a divorce. His call.

Am I the only one thinking he should be paying 3/4 if he’s trying to be ‘fair’ tbh I couldn’t live like this!! However if you want to do the maths for him, if you earn 20k (as an example) and he earns 3 x that which is £60k as an example. Then your total ‘household’ is £80k so he should pay 75% or 3/4 not 2/3 as his income is 75% of income.

Either he’s shit at maths or he’s even taking you for even more of a ride!

get rid OP. Especially as you don’t have kids.

That’s not a mandatory vow, one can amend vows. No one promises to obey anymore

The more you describe your situation @Tuatara22 , the more it sounds like financial abuse

I hope you're not doing any wife work.

Charge him £15 ph for any laundry/cleaning you do.

Trust me, OP, there's nothing good for your self esteem with a man who treats you like you're not worthy of their money. At the moment it's a plant for the garden. Wait until you're stood arguing that your child needs a new coat for the winter and they refuse saying they've got years of wear left in last years and it's only an inch too short in the arms...

Alright, I don't know exactly what the split is on the spreadsheet but I'll check how he's got it calculated.

I earn 31% of our after tax income. What should the split for the bills be?

Are you even on the deeds?

To me this is so odd and defeats the basis of a marriage surely?! You work as a team, pool resources, live together, share your life together. He is taking things way too far. Imagine if you divorced, he would have a breakdown having to part with 50%!

He spends a lot of time on finance subreddits

Uh-huh. He’s got the FIRE obsession, yes?

I’d insist on some counselling around this ASAP. And a joint household accounts and household savings for repairs.

@Tuatara22 I earn 31% of our after tax income. What should the split for the bills be?
ok He pay 69% you pay 31% . Bills , mortgage proportionate to income

"I'll send you that money back because I'm already in 'debt' to you aren't I and don't want to be paying loads out when I get paid because I'll be back to square one. I'll ask my mum/dad for some packer lunch money so I can eat. Thanks though" walk off and leave him to think about how he treats you like a room mate.

For all the people saying she wastes money. Don't we all. My partner asked me to order some shopping last week because he was skint. We went away and I paid for all the food etc. he then bought his son a toy (no occasion) in the Lego shop. Should I have said I'm not paying for shopping because he made an unnecessary purchase?! Course not.

Nope, I'm not on the mortgage so couldn't be on the deeds. I don't have a credit score in the UK, the credit bureaus can't even find me, being an immigrant in this country is a nightmare. He actually wants me on the mortgage since we'll get a better deal with my income taken into consideration. I am eligible for citizenship now so once I get it the plan is to put me on the mortgage etc. He's really not nefarious, just difficult.

He isn’t wrong and he isn’t right either but he is who he is and deep down, you know he isn’t going to change. Which means you either have to decide to suck it up. albeit begrudgingly or it becomes a deal breaker.

Do you not realise that medical treatment is free here!?!?

If you have NO money then you do not go out spending £100s on new clothes. It is frivolous.

If she needed clothes then there are charity shops, eBay, Vinted etc... where you van get as new clothes for very little money! Absolutely no need to spend £100s!

That's what I've said! Like what is the point of being married exactly, if this is how it is? I don't get it to be honest.

For all those posters insisting that they also have equal and separate finances and wouldn't sub for clothes etc - fair enough, but do you at least have oversight of the bill money, or does your partner keep it in secret accounts which he/she doesn't allow you access to and will get annoyed about if you ask?

@Tuatara22 reading your posts,you seem unhappy and incompatible . Do you want to remain married to him.

This sounds worse and worse with every post OP.