AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

You need to start your own savings pot op and don't share this information with him, this is fair since he won't do the same for you.

I would bet he actually earns more than he has said and you are paying into the house more than your fair share.

He does sound mean, but equally you sound quite the opposite- managing to spend several hundreds on clothes and hair products and expecting shop bought lunches, rather than bringing in your own.

Plants for the garden sounds like an innocuous purchase, but I know people can spend hundreds on things like that and I don't know how much of a necessity they were.

Ultimate you sound completely incompatible on spending.

I couldn't live with someone this tight but a lot of women do.

That said, if you want kids, this relationship is over. This behaviour will get far far once if kids are brought into the equation.

This.
Poor you, OP. This is awful.

It does feel weird ( am conditioned by previous partners who were Uber generous and “providers” and maybe even societal expectations ) but recently I started earning more than dh so have even more disposable income than him and at the end of the day my life is better if I just do it

How would I pay the mortgage or any of the bills that are in his name? He doesn't seem to think I need access to them and doesn't really engage with the idea.

@Tuatara22 My then husband was exactly the same, he was in full control of all the money (even though I paid more than my fair share for household expenses) and would not, under any circumstances, let me know anything about the bills or even suppliers. That was only one of the ways in which he controlled me.

I have good news for you, it's not that difficult to organise and start paying your own bills when you split up with your abuser.

Can I recommend you contact Women's Aid?

He’s a tightarse which is repugnant, and what a strange setup for a married couple.

It certainly doesn’t sound like there’s much love.

We have separate (and joint) bank accounts but we very much view each other’s money as joint. I can’t ever imagine wanting to be paid back for something by my husband, or vice versa. It doesn’t sound like a loving partnership to me.

Highly recommend you ring Women's aid too.

How old are you both?
How long are you married?
How long are you together?

You have been mislead by him.

He is not who he seems.

Put your salary into YOUR account and start getting organised to leave this mean man.

He will only get worse.

Have you been clothes shopping lately? Everything is expensive! It's very easy to spend hundreds on a work wardrobe if you are shopping anywhere nicer than Primark.

And I don't expect shop bought lunches. I usually bring my own lunch, as I have explained several times. I hadn't bought any new clothes, makeup or hair products for ages as I was being frugal because I wasn't earning. Wanting to look presentable for my new job I bought some dresses and shoes from Next and a new handbag to carry my homemade lunch in as well as some leave in conditioner and L'Oreal foundation from Boots. Guess I'm a spendthrift.

My husband doesn't "give" me money. We have a joint account. Neither of us takes the piss. We trust each other, and we have a proper partnership where not everything is a financial transaction.

I work part time, but I contribute more in terms of looking after the household.

We discuss large purchases like cars, a new kitchen etc, but if I want to buy some new jeans I don't have to ask his permission.

@Tuatara22 this does not sound like a healthy relationship as far as finances are concerned. If I were you I would squirrel away some savings and keep this information to yourself, and don't have children with him.

As pp have said do not have kids with this man.

This has financial abuse written all over it.

what do you think will happen when you go on Mat leave? Will he value your unpaid contributions or expect you to pay your way? Or will he cover you and then invoice you once you’re back at work?

unless you go back to work full time with shared pat leave and make sure he does 50% child rearing and housework, I can see him becoming very abusive. They often get worse once the woman gets pregnant.

Is he older than you?

There's a huge difference between having largely separate finances and being so tight he keeps spreadsheets to ensure you pay back every penny of his that you spend! That's fucking weird and a totally joyless relationship.
The point in being married is to be a team, a unit, to share a life!

No one should resent helping out their spouse financially, if they are between jobs, needing dental treatment or clothes for work - certainly not when they are bringing in 3x their spouses salary.

Ltb - he won't get better.

Are you able to leave him, op?
Your relationship seems abusive to me.

We had some neighbours like this when I was growing up, the husband earned good money and kept it all to himself while his wife worked p/t in a supermarket and paid half the bills and mortgage while bringing up their son and doing all the housework herself, she had not a penny to her name and my mum would send over my brothers outgrown clothes for their son which she was so grateful for.

She was a miserable woman with a hard life while her husband lived a life of luxury. Don't be her she wasn't ever happy.

Wow! Being so mean is very unattractive. Clearly it stems from his childhood but that's for him to address. Until this is resolved, there is no way I would contemplate having kids.

It sounds like you earn more than we do, but I'm in a maybe similar position to your DP. Earn more, I'm carefully with money, I have saving goals. DP earns very little and has no saving goals at all. I pay for more, split on what we earn.

We have split finances (DP's choice) too. I think your DP is unreasonable. I wouldn't think twice about paying for the plants (although I'd refund DP if he bought them and I'd wanted them) because they're for the house and I earn more. I wouldn't get him to pay me back for food or toiletries but would if he bought clothes or games.

He's not 'anxious with money', he's just as tight as a crab's arse.

The very least I would insist on is a shared bank account so you can at least buy stuff for the house without having to ask him for money, or to borrow money. It's also ridiculous he expects you to pay for stuff for the house, he lives there too. It doesn't have to be the only bank account you both have, I don't think all money needs to be shared, but what you're describing is disfunctional. Your split of bills is also not right, he's paying too little if you're supposed to be splitting it in proportion to income. I don't think I could stay in a relationship like this. It's quite fundamental.

That sounds horrible. My DH doesn't live a life of luxury. He never spends any money on himself and wears old clothes and drives an old beat up car. He wouldn't spend anything on house maintenance and repairs either, if I didn't pressure him to. As it stands we have a damp issue, the roof needs repairing and the windows need replacing but who knows when that will happen.

I wouldn't say he's abusive, but I think he is very inflexible in his thinking. It's like he cannot comprehend other's feelings and thinks he is supremely reasonable and he can just logic me out of my feelings.

We're in our late twenties. I do think some of this is immaturity and not having any type of role model for a healthy marriage and relationship with money. His friends are all single and his parents are divorced so he doesn't really have any other marriages to compare ours to and doesn't see the issue with how we handle finances. He spends a lot of time on finance subreddits where they idealise being frugal and retiring very young and I think that's influenced his mindset. When I say this isn't really normal he doesn't believe me.

If this doesn't improve once I start earning and he reaches his savings target I'm going to insist on counselling.

I guess it is easy for people to moan at the partner but I think I get him actually. Sometimes in relationships you get one person who really looks after their money and will simply go without things until they can afford them or really justify them. It then feels unfair for that person to give money away to their partner when they are going without so the partner can buy things they don't view as absolutely necessary.

It's nice to have new things to start a new job but it isn't a need. We have no idea how many times this goes on where the partner is always overpaying their fairshare. When people have different spending habits I think it makes sense to have separate finances, if not one person spends their life being treated like a mug and feeling used. They give everything to always have nothing.

Ideally people would be in relationships where they both hold similar views around money. Unfortunately the world is less than ideal.

I really don't understand separate finances in a marriage.

He hides his finances from you. Changes banks often, he claims to do so to take advantage of new account offers. Very strange.

Aside from the couples who are on same page and each happy to have separate finances (mutual independence, circumstances etc), I agree with the poster who said it is traditional for the man to hand over his pay packet to his wife and she does the finances, and it works well this way. It makes sense as it is usually the woman who handles all or most of the admin including for children. I realize that is true in my case, 26 years my husband has handed over his checks to me. I can honestly say we have not had one issue or problem with that system. He sees it as our money not his, since day we got married. And while we dated he always paid because he wanted to as a gentleman courting me which I guess sounds old fashioned. But it was and is a nice part of our romantic relationship. He does dishes and housework so he is not one of those 50s husbands. At all. I do not play the 50s housewife in any way, yuck. He is just a gentleman. Nothing wrong with that. He is deferential to and protective toward women, children, and the elderly. We met at work and did basically the same job, he did make more than me because he had been there longer.

Again, not talking about couples who have separate finances and happy. Talking about when one of the couple feels it is unfair, not mutual etc like in op’s case.

Op, I will tell you what I’d do. A lot of success depends on confidence and knowing what you’d do if it doesn’t gos expected. I would boldly go up to him and say, ‘Put your money into one shared account with me. Today.’ Don’t go into a big rigamarole explanation, he knows exactly how underhanded and controlling and mean he is. If he blusters, just repeat and tell him to do it now. If he says no, tell him to leave. I would not put up with that. Op, you deserve a better partner. Have respect for yourself and remember your dignity.

You don’t seem happy,and aren’t compelled to stay. Leave whilst you can, you’re both incompatible. If it’s a struggle and bit fraught prechildren it will be even more fraught when you have children

Do discuss finances food when children arrive, how will it be managed? What Will he expect?What are your expectations? If you use nursery how will fees be managed

This is absolutely insane ! My husband earns 5x what I do, it’s all our money, completely equal. Billing you it’s so awful !