AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

secret accounts? Bills paid DD from joint account so transparency over utilities bills &. childcare costs

I just don’t get separate finances in a marriage. This is the result.

Theoretically yeah I suppose so. In my case I didn't have time for ordering online and needed to get the clothes asap. Would you really tell your spouse that you wouldn't front them the cash for some work clothes (for a job that will improve your financial situation as well) and to try their luck at the charity shop?

Wow
Shocked
This isn’t a partnership.
Did he not learn how to share
I couldn’t and wouldn’t put up with this sort of crap
Tbh this would have been a game changer for me very early on.
Hope you haven’t bought a house together or plan on kids.

You should be running for the hills. If you want children, I suggest you start running right fucking now.

Do you know what his saving target is?
And do you know how close he is to it?
Are you married and in the UK?

My uncle puts a till separator thingy in between my aunts toiletries and just pays for his stuff 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've never understood it.

DH earns far more than I do and is sensible with money but he'd never dream of saying I owe him anything like what you've described OP.

Is this man your husband or your boss? I would find it impossible to be sexually attracted to a man who kept a note of a tenner he lent me on a bloody spreadsheet. Yuk. Don’t have kids with this loser.

@ChickenDhansak82 - she has money. She is married to a man who earns a substantial salary and he is controlling her access to food and clothing.

If he keeps his finances a secret from you, changes banks often so that you don’t even know where he does his banking, reminds you often of emergency dental work he had to pay for you, and bills you for a plant,

Then why do you believe him when he says as soon as he reaches a mystery savings goal, savings held in a mystery account of which you have and will presumably never have any knowledge or access in case of emergencies, he will be freer with you and will think about considering not billing you for a pair of socks?

As a disabled widowed parent on disability benefits and (obviously) no child maintenance, I read this like 😧😧😧

I had to search the house for coins to buy a single pint of milk today and had to use the remaining £1.80 on my debit card for bread! Having a safety net like yours, is the stuff of dreams to someone like me!

Well done!

Tbh, me and my husband have separate finances,and I prefer it that way. I would think you should pay him back for the clothes and shoes anyway, and although on the petty side, next weeks lunches too. But the plants surely come under joint purchases. You’ve both gone on with this situation for a while with separate finances, so in the circumstances, it would seem the money is owed. Hard for people to understand I think, if they have a different set up.

I don't need my husband to give me anything because we both have equal access to our money. I wouldn't want any man giving me a 'lump sum for shopping' gives me the ick.

My uncle puts a till separator thingy in between my aunts toiletries and just pays for his stuff 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's just utter contempt for the other person isn't? Definitely not a loving partnership or marriage.

Yes, I do. I'm not unhappy with him in general, just frustrated with the differences in our attitudes to spending. He's not a bad person at all. He's not scheming and hiding things from me although I get how it might seem like that from what I've said, without the full context. I could find out his banking info I really cared to and I just reminded him that I need to know his bank details in case something were to happen and he agreed, so progress there. I'll have quite a bit of spending money to do with as I wish once I get paid, it's not like he restricts me from spending my earned money on what I want even if he thinks it's frivolous.

He just has a lot of anxiety around money and prefers to keep our money separate and can't wrap his head around why this all troubles me. Whereas in my ideal scenario we'd each have our own accounts, a joint account for shared expenses, and small "loans" and items bought here and there for each other wouldn't be a big deal. If I really pressed the matter be would put some money in a shared account but me not being a citizen means I don't have a good credit score, and being on a joint account with me could lower his credit score so we haven't done it.

I guess you'll all just have to suspend your disbelief and take my word for it that I'm not being abused.

Ok,so you need to have a conversation regard finances regard when children come. Split costs proportionately and how will he tolerate the expense of having a child .
Does your visa or residency depend on remaining married

My husband earns several times what I earn. He is more careful with money than me, though we both grew up with nothing.

When I got a promotion at work he suggested we go shopping for new work clothes and encouraged me to buy from shops I wouldn't normally consider, and it was his treat for me - buy good wiality and it will last. If he had told me to go charity shops for something suitable when he's got ££££ in the bank I would have been hurt tbh.

I think the real issue OP is having kids. If you don't have a shared vision for spending then maternity leave will be miserable - will he expect you to use up your savings? Will you have to bed him for money for things for the kids?

I definitely think you need to agree a shared approach - both making compromises - before you consider having kids.

So is he this militant about dividing housework 50/50?

All this sounds insane to me. Op, this is not normal. Look him in the eyeballs and say, either you trust me (put money in shared account at least for bills and household expenses, is that asking too much?) or get out now. As it stands, he is the one who is untrustworthy. Hiding his finances.

Why does it have to be so complicated? My husband hands me his money, I spend it (responsibly).

No spreadsheets, no tight fisted ridiculousness, no percentages and ratios. Marriage is above that. You are a family, even without children. You bought a plant for your family garden and he is billing you for it. Demented.

You’ve come to his country and he’s made you feel insecure. That’s not right. You’re not on the mortgage but he says you will be as soon as you become a citizen. I have trouble believing anything he says.

You say the house is damp and needs maintenance, can he not see his obsessive saving is a bit pointless when he's allowing the house to become run down, he's devaluing his biggest asset with his tightness.
Personally, I wouldn't live with him.

I didn’t see your latest post. Good that he agreed you need his bank details. Has he given them to you yet? If not why not. Should only take ten minutes.

@Tuatara22 I'm unsure why you posted then? What were you looking for? If you completely understand why he's like this and have no desire to leave him because of it, then what advice were you hoping to gain from this thread?

OP I didn’t realise you were from another country. Are you legally married? As in you did the registry here or in your home country where it’s legit over here? If it’s not legal then major red flags. The fact that you are not on mortgage and he takes your money and pays through his account is dodgy, he doesn’t want you to have your share if you split as there is no proof of your contribution that way. And is your name on any utility bills? He doesn’t trust you one bit, must think you’re after his money, but happy to take your financial contributions. He is taking advantage of you and you need to start saving money in your own account and I will repeat do not think about kids, he promises are lies and you will be in a worse situation with kids. This isn’t just him being tight he’s being very calculating and this is no basis for a healthy relationship. You will go mad and lose your health with a man like this.

I’ve just read your update OP. Good luck you will need it.

I asked if I was unreasonable for being bothered that he expects to be paid back for small purchases

but me not being a citizen means I don't have a good credit score
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this isn't true. My partner has a good credit score got a mortgage with me, he's not a citizen
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