AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

Other than his maths being poor (if he earns 3x your salary, he should be paying 75% of all bills) then I see where he is coming from.

Financial compatibility is SO important in a relationship.

If he has come from a low income family where money had to be accounted for, then it's likely he is doing his best to make sure you never run out.

Your spending however seems somewhat frivolous. You have no money and had no job yet have splashed out on clothes, garden plants etc... running into the £100s!

His money guarding may not be much of a turn on, but I would find your desire to spend what you haven't got more unreasonable, so I'm with your DH on this one!

No, my assumption is that if you married someone , it wasn’t a decision leapt into with haste or made under duress - ie unless the OP is an idiot or desperate , which I’m guessing she is neither, then perhaps this is situation to try and fix first, rather than jump straight to divorce?

We don't have kids.

And don't even plan to have any with him. Make sure your contraception is watertight. He sounds like he could turn into a financial abuser. When you marry someone you marry for richer or poorer. It sounds like he didn't get the memo.

I agree that this sounds so transactional, so play him at his own game and charge him for everything you do that he doesn't.

His background doesn't justify his meanness. DH grew up very poor. He is obsessed with money, but he isn't tight with it, he just doesn't want to be poor ever again.

DP and I have separate finances as we have separate children, previous marriages etc so it makes sense for us, but in this situation he would just give me the money (he has a lot more than me!)

That's what I was thinking 🤔

@Kisskiss your husband is taking the piss. He’s manipulated the situation so he gets nice things and you pay for them.

That’s not different attitudes to money. That’s being an arsehole.

Don't have kids with him

YANBU, this sounds like a really depressing way to live. I find it extra controlling if you moved to the UK for him, not sure how established you are over there now but presumably have no family, no support network, and are at his mercy for anything like the dental work that he can then hold over you? Presumably you have no chance of creating your own savings if you ever had to leave him in an emergency? As PPs said do not have kids with him that sounds like a recipe for a disaster.

I moved to the US when I married my DH, he has always been very careful with money despite having a good job (and it’s thanks to him, not me, that we could afford a house in a nice neighborhood, so I can see how a certain level of frugal is a good thing) and doesn’t really spend much on almost anything. However he immediately made his account joint precisely because he didn’t want me to feel in any way trapped, and never questioned whatever I spend (though I also don’t spend much). I was waiting for my working visa for quite a while and now earn a lot less than him but it’s still “our money” as a one big pot.

I understand some people prefer to have separate finances although living under one roof, being married and having kids (that I end up taking a career break for, and therefore won’t be matching his salary level anytime soon) I’m glad I don’t have to.

Well that's another thing. I don't have any access to his accounts, and I don't know how much he has in them. I've raised this before and asked him what he imagines would happen to me if he died or was in a coma. How would I pay the mortgage or any of the bills that are in his name? He doesn't seem to think I need access to them and doesn't really engage with the idea. He also closes accounts and changes banks frequently to get bonuses for opening new accounts so it would be a nightmare to figure out.

He might have his anxieties but you're a team. Not all bills can or should be managed that way. Have separate accounts and add in a proportion of your earnings for join expenses. I would pay dh back if I borrowed something substantial but he wouldn't behold me to it because we're a team. WE earn money for the h

@Tuatara22 A tight fisted man is a real passion killer. He doesn't sound very caring that he would leave you in penury while you were out of work. I will reiterate. Do not have children with this tightarse.

And start saving a "running away" fund.

It is NOT frivolous "to buy new clothes and shoes for work". Her new employer may have a dress code that differs from her old employer, or she is moving sectors etc. As for the garden plants, they have to be bought in season. But maybe you're right and the garden should be completely barren! That costs nothing.

Pay for your own clothes & self care products. Usual mumsnet expecting a man to pay for the woman under guise of shared money on mumsnet money is to be shared if man outearns the woman. However, if woman outearns man then no he’s a cocklodger,chancer,etc and she must protect and ring fence her finances.

essentially you want him to pay for your items

I understand wanting to keep finances separate and keeping a close eye on spending - I am the same and possibly it is something to do with your DH's background. But I don't think it's reasonable that things you buy that are for the benefit of you both (like garden plants/items that make your home more comfortable etc) should be solely your expense, unless you're both broke and you continue to spend money neither of you have.

In terms of him loaning you money for clothes etc., if you specifically discussed it as a loan, fair enough. I do think it's a little odd that someone earning 3x your salary can't afford to just consider it something nice to do for their other half.

I don't think he will change his attitude to money once he reaches some mythical level of savings. It will have become an ingrained habit by then and if he's grown up really poor, it's a very hard mind-set to change. I suspect it may be more than this though, given he keeps using paying for your emergency dental work as a stick to beat you with.

I think you need to consider what sort of life/partnership is important to you and if you and your DH can't come to some sort of agreement, consider what your other options are.

This sort of arrangement is so weird in married couples, what is the point? And where's the sense of partnership, common goals, building a life together etc. I don't understand it and feel really sorry for you OP having to live like the poor relation when I'm sure you're inputting just as much to the marriage as he is.

Oh lord, another awful man. I know what I'd do, OP, and that would be to put on my running shoes. You can't live like this.

Sounds hot....said no woman ever.

Eugh, he sounds absolutely awful and horribly petty and tight.

It gets his back up and he gets angry?

That is to shut you down.

He is bully and therefore already abusive.

Any time a person gets upset enough at you trying to raise an issue to a level that it prevents you from pursuing it again, is controlling,manipulative and abusive.

You have been told.

The clothes I wouldn't mind so much paying back, but the plants are a household purchase surely so wouldn't even consider it.
Your DH seems to have a very strange attitude to money.

I had to buy a business casual wardrobe for my new job. I previously worked from home and could wear whatever, so I didn't have clothes appropriate for my workplace. I didn't just go on a fun shopping spree.

I mean he still pays for the most part of the living costs ...but it's a weird thing to do to charge you for household items like plants. It's kind of his prerogative to not buy them though if you do t have the funds ...maybe try to increase your eating potential? I would also be very careful of any future that involves cutting to part time to look after kids or taking mat leave seeing how he is with money ...

Yeah if they have kids she will end up paying for EVERYTHING, the shoes on their feet, the food in their mouths and if she doesn't have the money they'll just go without.

So grateful for my lovely DH...he recently gave me a lump sum to buy myself some new clothes. I didn't ask him for it...he just randomly gave it to me.

weird?only in your opinion. I don’t buy my partner his clothes. If he wants a suit he pony up,not me.
Conversely if I want clothes,bag,shoes he doesn’t pay(I wouldn’t ask!)
we share costs mortgage,bills and childcare proportionately from joint account
otherwise separate monies, no shared money
Been together since teenagers,have kids,houses,and very much committed. Commitment and shared values as a unit does not = shared finances.

He sounds joyless and petty, and I doubt he will change when he has reached his target amount of savings. It's worrying that you don't even know where he banks.

If you plan on kids in the future this has to change. If he refuses to see his behaviour as a problem would you leave him, as he sounds very dismissive of your feelings and your wellbeing.