AIBU to be bothered that DH expects me to pay him back?

[Tuatara22]

I recently started a new job after being out of work for some time and I haven't yet received my first paycheck. DH has always been funny about money, for lack of a better word. We have completely separate finances (his preference) and he pays some bills and I pay others, and for some bills I transfer my portion to him and he pays it from his account. He has a spreadsheet that calculates the bills and how we split them, and I pay about a third of everything, since he earns 3x what I earn. Personally I find this strict and precise division of finances odd and pointless, but he gets his back up whenever I raise the matter, so I've let it be for the most part. He grew up working class and his parents struggled at times, and I think that's lead to him having some anxiety around money and seems to always feel a bit insecure about finances even though he earns a good salary. Drives an old car, never buys clothes for himself, purchases require long deliberation etc. I grew up financially comfortable and don't have the same anxiety about money. We don't have kids.

He loaned me some money this month (a few hundred) to buy new clothes and shoes for work and other bits and bobs like hair products, and he said he'll keep a tab to track what I owe him and I can pay him back over the course of a few months. That's fine. I don't expect him to buy everything for me like a sugar daddy.

I have very little left in my bank account and today I asked him if he could transfer me some money to buy a few plants for the garden and mentioned I won't have enough left to buy lunches for work so I'll have packed lunches until the end of the month. He sent me £50 and told me he'll add it to the tab.

I didn't think much of this in the moment, but a few hours later I'm sitting here feeling a bit off. I wouldn't expect or ask him to pay me back for lunch money or household/garden items, and I'm sure my father wouldn't make my mum pay him back for little bits either. I feel like he doesn't fully see our marriage as a complete partnership and sees his money as entirely his. Like there is no marital or household money. If I were to raise this it would probably lead to a fight and me being told I'm entitled. Am I?

I must admit I could not live like this. Separate finances when you are MARRIED is wrong, shitty, and weird, because one person ALWAYS earns more than the other - usually the man earns more. (Cue a bunch of posters saying they out-earn their DH by 300%. Don't bother posting coz I don't believe you and I don't care, as even if it IS true, you are in a tiny minority.)

I know a few couples who have been together 10+ years, (some over 20 years,) and they have never shared a bank account, and he earns more. He makes sure SHE pays every last penny she 'owes' him, and splits meals out down to the last penny. Not 50% each... nope... If she eats a bit more, she pays for it/pays more!

I even know a couple married for 15 years, where she gets (for example) £12.26 worth of food from Aldi, and says 'HE owes me £6.13 now, and I am bloody getting it.' And she messages him to tell him to send the money to her account.

I would be binning your DH off @Tuatara22 You will never be happy with him He sounds mean and tight fisted. Miserly, 'mean with money' men are always shit in bed too. AND they usually do fuck-all in the house.

This. 💯
I couldn't bear to be with a mean man

• I'd much rather be single.

@0P
Everyone is speaking from their personal preference. If your husband were to be responding to this thread his response would be in support of his position.

There is no right or wrong way to handle finances. The right way is the way in which the couple agrees to handle the funds. What your father would have done is irrelevant because he was not party to the agreement that you and your husband reached.

There is no universal or absolute way that finances should be handled within a marriage. There ate no absolute or universal percentage shares that flow with a marriage.

There however is a right to discuss renegotiation or the right to leave the marriage if this is a deal breaker for you.

Many people will say that marriage is a partnership, but there are many types of partnerships all of which can and do have varied terms.

How do you normally handle purchases for your home? This can't be the first small but spontaneous purchase that one or the other of you have made.

Well what a pointless bombastic post. Just because you find seperate finances intolerable doesn’t make it weird,shitty, wrong. It simply means you’re myopic and cannot countenance another way of doing things. If a couple chose separate finances and it works for them, crack on! It really is interesting you have such a visceral response to someone else separate finances.

In what way is this working for the OP @Zone2NorthLondon? You seem very defensive.

I’ll let the op explain what does or doesn’t work for her,it’s her thread after all

Are you the O{'s husband @Zone2NorthLondon?

Op this is too ghastly.

Why did he marry you?
It's great he wants to reach a goal but it's impacting you both as a couple? Why didn't he ask you if you minded living in this staleg?

Where do you have a say in anything.

Boom! You’re so clever, caught me bang to rights. Yes the only reason for my posts is I am a secretive man who circumspect about his money

😂

If you have NO moneythen you do not go out spending £100s on new clothes. Itisfrivolous.

She doesn't have no money. They have money in the household. She's just being denied access to it.

Dreadful.
Divorce.

Don't have a child with this man unless you want your child to be sleeping on a mattres on the floor.
He'd question every item you needed for a child.

No, yanbu , he's a tight arse for wanting the money back for plants and lunch.

Your relationship sounds more like flatmates.

Horrific

Jesus what a sad fucking existence for BOTH of you.

Re the credit score: do you have any bills in your name? International bank accounts and mobile phone bills don't count. I'm also an immigrant and it took me a while to build up any sort of score. Council tax, water, and energy bills were the quickest to show up. I presume you have a UK bank account but get one if not - and a credit card if you want one. If you split up it'll help you, though I didn't need to have a good score until I applied for a mortgage.

Great username btw, I love tuataras.

OP ,it is reasonable to be concerned about the future. When you were asking what he expected you to do if he were to pass away, were you able to tell him what provisions you feel compelled to provide for him if something were to happen to him. Is that only something for which he should be responsible? What are you doing to ensure that the third of the household expense coverage that he will be missing if something were to happen to you?

Money management and equal responsibility is not something that should be taken lightly. Fortunately for you, he was prepared to carry the full load when you lost your job and to pay for your unexpected dental emergency. While you are criticizing his money management style, you would not have been able to do either of those things for him should the situation have been reversed.

It is easy to criticize him, but evaluate honestly exactly what his money management style allowed the 2 of you to navigate 2 of your personal crisis.

Maybe when your job situation is a bit more stable the 2 of you can discuss renegotiation of your financial management.

Your husband may be a bit frugal, but he has stepped up when you were not able to do so. In my book that speaks volumes about his character.

@Tuatara22
You say you don't have kids??

Do not have kids with this control freak leave him now he's sounds horrendous

My husband and I come from different financial backgrounds. We used to keep everything separate and would pay one another back for the smallest of things. This carried on until we had our first child and decided to do things differently. I still struggle with financial security, despite not needing to, but to a much lesser extent. It’s hard to undo the effects of our childhood but it can be done over time

If you have had a job here and a bank account, you should exist on credit files. Get yourself a credit card and build a record.
I think you are in a precarious position - you aren't a citizen, not on the mortgage, all savings are in his name, you don't even know what he has! Get your citizenship sorted asap and tell your husband his behaviour is weird and unacceptable and it needs to stop, before he stops having a wife!

I feel like you are implying I'm in the wrong for being concerned with what would happen in that scenario. He can easily pay the bills without my income. I'm an immigrant in this country and gave up my old life, my career and family and friends to move here to be with him, and now I'm at a disadvantage career and income-wise - salaries are a lot higher and the standard of living is better in my home country. I sacrificed quite a lot to be here with him, and now I'm also supposed to ensure that he'll never ever have to pick up any financial slack and feel lucky that he stepped up as a spouse should when I needed medical treatment?

@Tuatara22
I am not suggesting that you have any more to be grateful for than does he. You did not give up anything for him. The man that you wanted lived elsewhere and to get what you wanted you moved. That was a decision made for your mutual happiness. It was not a sacrifice it was a freely made choice to promote your mutual happiness.

I think if you view this as a situation in which there is a mutual obligation ,it makes it easier to see things from both sides. To date it seems that on the financial responsibility side he has done everything that the 2 of you agreed.

It is not a question of his ability to pay the bills without your income, it is a question of people feeling an obligation to lookout and ease the burden for each other.

There are no dependent children in this relationship. There are 2 adults making adult decisions. You made a choice to come to him; you did not make a sacrifice. You chose the life that you wanted , as did he. You left a home that you loved in order to pursue a life that you wanted. There is no sacrifice in that only the choice to pursue a desired relationship.

This man is frugal but he has not been unfair. You agreed to the 1/3 to 2/3 ratio, and when you could not meet your share or had unexpected need , he stepped up to take over. That is what a caring spouse would do. To date, that is not a courtesy that you could return.

Under those circumstances, I think that he deserves something more than criticism.

I think that there is nothing wrong with wanting to discuss the renegotiation of your financial management situation, but in his case I would want to see more financial stability on your part.

To answer your question, I do not think that you need to ft grateful, but your response suggests that you feel as?though you have made some sacrifice for which he should be grateful. I don't think that is the case.

The obligations that you have towards each other are not defined or limited by geography or nationality.

That's astoundingly naive of you. Yes of course it's a choice, but there's also a sacrifice being made when you uproot your entire life for someone else and leave your family of origin behind. Have you moved and started over in a new country? It's not easy. I'm not going to get into the details, but I moved here because it's better for his health to stay here in the UK. I would prefer to live in my home country. To be honest with you, your posts come off as odd.

Good grief, don’t have children with this miser.

I’m sorry that this will come across as rude, but it seems like you might benefit from doing a course in personal finances with specific reference to where you are now living? If you earn a third, and your agreement is to contribute in proportion to your income, then he should pay for three quarters. If you need a credit score then you should have all your salary paid to a bank account in the country where you are living, then once you have some months’ worth of payslips you can easily apply for a credit card with a small limit through the same bank.

It’s so obvious he is trying to protect his assets from you, not just protect his savings generally. The damage, if any, to his credit score, from opening a joint account with you, is completely irrelevant if he already has his mortgage.

I would recommend not making any further contributions to home improvement whatever you do; and either insisting on joint accounts, or keeping your money entirely separate with a view to separating.