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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DH playing World of Warcraft

149 replies

FuckThisFuckThis · 14/04/2023 19:24

Honestly he's 34 years old. The default every evening is that he will be sat on his laptop playing WoW from when the kids are in bed. Im so sick of it. And if I ask if he'll be doing it all night its "yes probably, but i don't have to"

But I feel like it's ridiculous that I have to almost book in time for stuff. It's removed the sort of casual time together spent just chatting or watching random crap because if I ask him to watch something with me we have to "watch something" rather than shooting the shit. I just miss the casual Ness of having someone in the room and actually having them in the room.

I feel like this is destroying our relationship. Has anything else had this and successfully turned things around?

For context we have 3 kids, all pretty young and demanding and he definitely pulls his weight parenting wise. Probably not in terms of housework/mental load 🙄 but he does all the food shopping and cooking.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 15/04/2023 05:32

XenoBitch · 14/04/2023 22:43

OP wants him to sit and watch crap on TV.

Show quote history

She wants his company. She isn't fun for her partner because the satisfaction he gets from wow is far superior from anything she can offer. Honestly op. I'm sorry but you really need to work out how little you are prepared to put up with in terms of companionship. Then see how much more you are getting. My similar situation became totally unmanageable. I don't regret getting rid of my xh. At least now I am raising my kids on my own, before I felt constantly disrespected and so sad for the ignorance he was showing towards his actual responsibilities.

ThankmelaterOkay · 15/04/2023 06:42

OursonGuimauve · 14/04/2023 20:04

Fucking warcraft, ugh. I don't think you can understand how not like a normal game it is until you live with someone who is all-consumed with it and, like, will attempt to play it in the car beside you while you drive them to visit their family and they try to tether to the world's shittest mid 2000s rural 3G on their phones. WoW was a big factor in a previous serious relationship ending, it turned my ex into a turnip. Most of his family were on WoW 8+ hours a day. If you are the kind of person who gets into it it is all consuming (and oh my god if you get stuck with people who won't stop fucking on about their characters to you or raids they have taken part in). DH has some really full-on, extremely immersive nerd hobbies (as do I) and a huge Steam library but I would be so upset if he decided to get into WoW, it's a life changer in terms of the time commitment and how absorbed people get.

This 100%.

PPs who have replied “oh maybe he doesn’t want to watch shit tv” have never played WoW or known someone who has been really into it.

I got back into it during lockdown and massively regretted it. It’s just a life drain. It’s not something you can do half heartedly, and it will negatively impact any relationship.

He needs to quit now.

clocktock · 15/04/2023 06:58

Wow some of the comments on here defending this man childs "hobby".
Listen, if he was out riding his bike, golf, football etc every night you would all be saying LTB!

LolaSmiles · 15/04/2023 07:11

Wow some of the comments on here defending this man childs "hobby".
Listen, if he was out riding his bike, golf, football etc every night you would all be saying LTB!

I'm not a fan of gaming, but can't get wound up about an adult choosing to do something they enjoy in the house instead of watching random stuff on the telly. Would people be as annoyed about an adult choosing to bake/read a book/sew/draw/do a workout/play their instruments? Probably not.

He's said he doesn't have to game when she's asked him what he's going to do. OP also says he does sit down and watch stuff with her, but that's also not ok because if he's watching telly he wants to actually watch something with her rather than sit shooting the shit.

I'd be irritated if DH wanted me to not do stuff in interested in because he wants me to be in the same room as him with random stuff on the telly that we aren't really watching.

The pair of them could do something together on an evening, but they need to communicate and find something that's enjoyable for both of them.

MyMachineAndMe · 15/04/2023 07:40

coodawoodashooda · 15/04/2023 05:23

Raising 3 kids without him. No time for hobbies. And no I don't watch TV. I spend my evenings catching up on work.

Show quote history

You don't stop being a person with hobbies and interests when you have kids you know. Your needs and wishes are just as important as theirs and giving everything up to be their mother and to work yourself into an early grave is just being a martyr.

Op I think you should join him in his games. How old are the dc and why do they need settling so much in the night? You and your dh need to work with each other to get the kids to sleep through and then either join in with the gaming or get your own hobby to do of an evening.

Awintersnight · 15/04/2023 08:17

Why not ask him to hook pc up to the TV as the monitor? That’s what my hubby does and he will game and we will snuggle up and I watch a show on my iPad with comfy headphones on. Everyone’s happy!

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 08:25

It's not about random stuff on the TV. She wants to spend downtime with him. That's normal!! She shouldn't have to plan some enticing novel evening to draw him away from his fictional world every time she wants to relax with her husband at the end of the day.

Also if people read the OP, they'll see he doesn't do his fair share in terms of household chores and mental load and he's abdicating all parenting responsibilities every evening of their lives. It's selfish. It's downtime for him that comes at the cost of her downtime.

I think a grown man gaming for hours a day is pathetic, I own that prejudice. But if he buggered off out the door to go play basketball or fantasy football or poker or swimming for hours every evening it would still be a shitty and selfish thing to do.

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:36

@XenoBitch

You can't pause an online game. And if you are playing with friend/in a team... it would be like a footballer saying they have to pop off the pitch for sec to deal with something.

And he's actively choosing to do that thing every night that means he is unable to do his fair share of childcare, meaning OP is the only one 'on call'. Is that anywhere close to fair in your eyes?

Back before digital TV and recording boxes... OP would be insisting she can't leave watching Eastenders in case she misses a bit.

You don't know if OP would have been one of those people. The fact some people would opt out of doing their fair share of parenting for another reason makes no difference to the fact her partner is doing so and makes it no more acceptable.

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:38

@XenoBitch

Maybe OP should think of something her DH would actually want to do with her... or she could join him gaming.

She said she'd like to chat, not just watch TV.

Wouldn't you be hurt if your partner never wanted to just hang out and chill together, chatting and having a laugh?

That you had to tempt them away from gaming / join in with gaming as your company isn't enough for them to want to spend time with you?

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:40

@XenoBitch

Maybe OP should think of something her DH would actually want to do with her... or she could join him gaming.

If he wanted to play football every evening, would you honestly tell her that she should think of something he would want to do more, or join in playing football / watch him play football every evening rather than wanting him to sometimes just hang out together casually chatting and having a laugh? That's what you're telling her here.

SallyWD · 15/04/2023 08:40

Everyone has different ways to relax. I don't enjoy watching TV after the kids are in bed. I prefer to be alone for some downtime. Obviously I realise it might seem like I'm rejecting my DH so I'll occasionally watch something with him - I'd prefer not to but do it for his sake.
This is how your DH relaxes. I don't see why you should hate it so much.

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:43

@SallyWD

This is how your DH relaxes. I don't see why you should hate it so much.

She's lonely and spends every evening wishing her partner wanted to sometimes spend time with her chatting and relaxing rather than gaming chatting to other people.

It's not healthy to spend every evening ignoring his partner and children despite sharing a home with them.

I would say the same if his way of relaxing was football, cycling, whatever.

If he relaxed by cycling and did it literally every evening rather than spending any time with her, would you honestly say 'it's how your DH relaxes, I don't see why you should hate it so much'?

SallyWD · 15/04/2023 08:57

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:43

@SallyWD

This is how your DH relaxes. I don't see why you should hate it so much.

She's lonely and spends every evening wishing her partner wanted to sometimes spend time with her chatting and relaxing rather than gaming chatting to other people.

It's not healthy to spend every evening ignoring his partner and children despite sharing a home with them.

I would say the same if his way of relaxing was football, cycling, whatever.

If he relaxed by cycling and did it literally every evening rather than spending any time with her, would you honestly say 'it's how your DH relaxes, I don't see why you should hate it so much'?

Well OK, yes I do understand. I suppose I'm just a person who needs so much time alone so I don't understand why others dislike being alone! Like I said, I prefer not to watch TV in the evenings but I'll do it a couple of times a week to keep DH company. There should be some compromise in OP's situation too.

coodawoodashooda · 15/04/2023 09:38

monsteramunch · 15/04/2023 08:36

@XenoBitch

You can't pause an online game. And if you are playing with friend/in a team... it would be like a footballer saying they have to pop off the pitch for sec to deal with something.

And he's actively choosing to do that thing every night that means he is unable to do his fair share of childcare, meaning OP is the only one 'on call'. Is that anywhere close to fair in your eyes?

Back before digital TV and recording boxes... OP would be insisting she can't leave watching Eastenders in case she misses a bit.

You don't know if OP would have been one of those people. The fact some people would opt out of doing their fair share of parenting for another reason makes no difference to the fact her partner is doing so and makes it no more acceptable.

If op did watch scheduled TV it would have been for an hour or so. She wouldn't have been part of the community of the show or had commitments in it

LolaSmiles · 15/04/2023 11:55

It's not about random stuff on the TV.

She wants to spend downtime with him.

That's normal!! She shouldn't have to plan some enticing novel evening to draw him away from his fictional world every time she wants to relax with her husband at the end of the day

Then turn the random crap off the telly and say "I'd like us to chill together this evening". She doesn't have to plan some amazingly novel evening, but there needs to be some communication. For example, when he said he didn't have to game, what did the OP say to that? Did she say "I'd like us to spend the evening together and chill"? Or did she say nothing and then stew over the fact he didn't read her mind? It doesn't say in the OP.

It's a total communication issue.

OP views it as having to book in with her husband because he's choosing to do something that interests him on an evening instead of shooting the shit and watching random crap/when he sits down to watch telly with her he actually wants to watch the telly.

He probably views it as he's been asked what his plans are, he's said, he's also said he doesn't have to, nothing else has been forthcoming so why wouldn't he choose to do something he's interested in instead of sitting around in the same room with random stuff on the telly.

DH and I ask each other after dinner what each other's plans are. It's a fairly basic conversation and if one of us has strong preferences or a request, we say, although generally we're quite happy having an hour or two on things that interest us.

turnthebiglightoff · 15/04/2023 20:32

"You can't leave an online game"

You ducking can and you should. Christ. It's a game. It's not real. It's just so, so unattractive in a grown man. Or woman.

Happybakers · 15/04/2023 20:36

Not quite in the same situation OP but I feel your pain nonetheless.

My brother (33) plays WoW and when we plan family meeting ups/meals, we have to plan it around his gaming nights and need to be done by a be certain time so he can ‘raid’.

barmycatmum · 15/04/2023 20:40

It’s an escape … I am 50 and I play it 😂😂

if you need some time with the two of you, plan it!

I hate watching tv as an escape and relaxation, and would rather read books or play a game. Everyone’s got their thing

Ponderingwindow · 15/04/2023 20:41

I think it’s fair for him to want to use his child free time gaming rather than watching tv.

you shouldn’t have to be on call with the kids every night though. He should take half of the nights, even if that interferes with his game time or he should do something for you in exchange.

you could also ask for a couple night schedule where you do something together. I’m going to suggest the two of you try board games. They are more compatible with interruption and provide more opportunity for actual conversation and connection than other activities.

barmycatmum · 15/04/2023 20:42

Ok, before everyone leaps on me, too, I read more of this. Yes I am a person who needs and loves alone time, so I guess I’m not in the camp who understands wanting to just hang out with a spouse every night when the kids are in bed.

I get it, so now there’s no need to pile on me as well, Team Mumsnet 🫠

Paq · 15/04/2023 20:53

YANBU. Especially if it means you're jumping up to look after the kids. But also it's destroying your relationship. Have you told him?

coodawoodashooda · 15/04/2023 20:58

Happybakers · 15/04/2023 20:36

Not quite in the same situation OP but I feel your pain nonetheless.

My brother (33) plays WoW and when we plan family meeting ups/meals, we have to plan it around his gaming nights and need to be done by a be certain time so he can ‘raid’.

But he's not raiding though, is he?

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 21:49

Awintersnight, so you're the one who watches stuff on a tiny screen with headphones? Why can't he game on the ipad?

Devoutspoken · 15/04/2023 21:54

It's a bit unfriendly to not hang out at all every evening

askii · 15/04/2023 22:49

SkyandSurf · 15/04/2023 08:25

It's not about random stuff on the TV. She wants to spend downtime with him. That's normal!! She shouldn't have to plan some enticing novel evening to draw him away from his fictional world every time she wants to relax with her husband at the end of the day.

Also if people read the OP, they'll see he doesn't do his fair share in terms of household chores and mental load and he's abdicating all parenting responsibilities every evening of their lives. It's selfish. It's downtime for him that comes at the cost of her downtime.

I think a grown man gaming for hours a day is pathetic, I own that prejudice. But if he buggered off out the door to go play basketball or fantasy football or poker or swimming for hours every evening it would still be a shitty and selfish thing to do.

Agreed!! It's the fact he's happy to opt out of engaging with the person in his house in favour of sitting in front of a game.
It's rude. It's lazy. It's disrespectful.