To hate DH playing World of Warcraft

[FuckThisFuckThis]

Honestly he's 34 years old. The default every evening is that he will be sat on his laptop playing WoW from when the kids are in bed. Im so sick of it. And if I ask if he'll be doing it all night its "yes probably, but i don't have to"

But I feel like it's ridiculous that I have to almost book in time for stuff. It's removed the sort of casual time together spent just chatting or watching random crap because if I ask him to watch something with me we have to "watch something" rather than shooting the shit. I just miss the casual Ness of having someone in the room and actually having them in the room.

I feel like this is destroying our relationship. Has anything else had this and successfully turned things around?

For context we have 3 kids, all pretty young and demanding and he definitely pulls his weight parenting wise. Probably not in terms of housework/mental load 🙄 but he does all the food shopping and cooking.

I agree, but if OP had posted he spent every minute from when the kids were in bed cycling, there would be very different replies!

I don't think OP wants him to mindlessly scroll Netflix with them, but just to have time were they are chatting, catching up and spending time together.

Absolute nonsense OP, he needs to grow up. Why is it that men always get to maintain their hobbies when they have a family and young DCs but women mostly do not.

I'm a WoW widow. I dumped my gorgeous fiance over his addiction in 2006.

Failed his degree, lost his job, his fiance & his home all because he was addicted to WoW! It was awful

However, I am a gamer. I'm in my late 30s but I'll never be addicted. Real life always comes first

OP could do a hobby in the evening.

There is nothing stopping the OP from doing her own hobby once the kids are in bed as her partner does. If he was reading once the kids were in bed instead of watching TV with her would you say he needs to grow up then? No.

OP wants him to sit and watch crap on TV.

Also to add, the OP said in her post that he does his fair share of house talks and caring for the children. She said he does all of the shopping and cooking. It’s not like he’s checking out of life as a parent to play his game, he’s doing it when they’re in bed. The OP is mad because he doesn’t want to scroll through tv channels with her.

Actually, she doesn't say the household tasks are shared 50/50- she says she takes on more of them. And later in the thread she says she has to always resettle the children if they wake in the evening.

Lol @Fuzzyblank I have the cat mount too!
OP - me and DP are big wow players - it's how we met. I think on one hand, it's a reasonable and fun hobby on an evening, as opposed to slobbing about watching TV. But it can be massively addictive, as you're experiencing now. I've stepped back since I got my new job and Ive asked DP to take a few nights off a week for time together. He's done this without complaint and it's really improved our relationship. Have you talked to him about this?

As with all addictions, only a minority of people exposed will become addicted.

Dopamine is simply what your brain releases when you feel good. Drinking cold water on a hot day- dopamine. Sex- dopamine. Shopping- dopamine. Food-dopamine. Laughing-dopamine. Smelling flowers- dopamine. Listening to music-dopamine.

It’s an urban myth that gaming is especially addictive. It is no more addictive than anything else that makes a person feel good.

Because too many women love being martyrs. I didn’t give up my hobbies.

OP- I get it.

When I was in my early 20s, I had a partner who played WoW. At first, he just played casually, but then he got into raiding, and it started to take up all his time. He ended up having to repeat a year of his degree and I do think gaming was a factor. He never wanted to go out and socialise, and everything had to be scheduled around his hobby. It was unattractive in a student, let alone in a grown adult.

The truth is most people do have more flexibility with their hobbies, and they don't expand to fill all your available free time.

I think it would be reasonable to agree 2-3 evenings a week where he doesn't play. It's about having time and space for your relationship, and being able to interact as a couple. It's not about the activity, it's about being able to talk to someone and them give you your attention, or doing something shared together. It's really, really normal, despite what a lot of people on this thread are saying.

And then the pressure isn't on you to come up with an activity each time you want to spend time together. If he wants to do something other than watch TV, then he can come up with ideas for this time!

It sounds like this has crept in and expanded over time? When did he first get into WoW?

Many modern games are specifically designed in ways that ensure regular hits of dopamine, and give rewards in ways that are designed to increase play time. It's how games hook people in, in the first place.

Of course, not everyone will become addicted, but it's more comparable to something like gambling, which we recognise is more addictive than many other hobbies.

My husband plays counterstrike but he only does it when I'm in bed (usually 10pm-midnight) and when it's his turn to respond to wake ups, he does it. To be fair he does most of the wake ups because I'm a super bad sleeper so even if the stars align and the conditions are perfect I could still be laying awake for hours at night, so once I'm out of bed for our daughter I can be guaranteed to be awake for hours. Whereas he will just go straight back to sleep. But if he needs to respond to our daughter while he's in the middle of a game then he will always do it. Sometimes he gets banned for stepping out of a team game and letting his team down but that's parenting. I've suggested he starts earlier (when I'm awake) so he's less likely to have to do a wake up but all his counterstrike friends play from 10pm.

On the other hand I totally get what you're saying OP. It sounds like he needs to take on more of the load and the wake ups.

This thread is so obviously full of boring men defending gaming and the man’s right to a hobby.

The lack of time spent together on a social level would be enough to make me want to talk about change.

As would the fact that Op’s DH expects her to do all the housework and always be the one responsible for the children while he plays the game

I thought a hobby was something you actively ‘do’? For example cycling, horse riding, netball team, dance class, playing football, being in a band, a choir etc.

I wouldn’t class sat in your living room and playing on your PlayStation as a hobby. That’s a pass time? Like scrolling on mumsnet or reading a magazine or watching tv.

if someone says ‘what are your hobbies?’ The normal response is ‘I play netball twice a week’ or ‘I have horses’ surely? Not ‘i play PlayStation’ or ‘I watch Netflix’.

I’m a female with a husband that games.
I’ve not said the OP shouldn’t instigate talks about change. Of course, she should if she’s unhappy with how little time they are spending together. My problem is with how him gaming is sneered at but her wanting to flick through TV channels isn’t. She wants him to stop doing something he finds fun, to do something he finds boring with her. That’s not a compromise of any sort, that’s her wanting to get her own way.
She also said he pulls his weight with the children in her first post.
My compromise with my husband is that on nights he games, he has the baby monitor with him as he’s up anyway so if our son stirs, he sees to him. It’s also not every night, because I suggest things I’d like to do and we do them. If ever I say I’d like to spend the evening playing board games or watching a film, we do that. But the OP isn’t asking her partner to do anything specific other than to just not game. And when he’s not gaming she wants to watch shit tv with him. It’s not wrong of him to not want to do that.

Jesus wept, are most pp missing what the OP said re they have 3 young kids and she has to deal if they wake up etc because he’s mid battle etc?! So she’s default parent because he’s mindlessly playing some imaginary game every single evening? And they spend no time together once the dc are in bed?

You can't pause an online game. And if you are playing with friend/in a team... it would be like a footballer saying they have to pop off the pitch for sec to deal with something.
Back before digital TV and recording boxes... OP would be insisting she can't leave watching Eastenders in case she misses a bit.

So the OP has to deal with the 3 dc because he can’t leave the game-every single night? I don’t think that’s fair at all. He basically does no parenting after a certain time because he’s gaming.

Gaming online is a social activity. You create friendships and bond with people from all over the world. You work as a team in the game, and get entertained in the process.

You could equate it with football, except it is online and not on a pitch. Gaming is a lifesaver for some people who have disabilities that mean they can't get out in the actual world. Are you going to tell them that their hobby is not "real"?

Time enjoyed is time well spent. I can not and will not accept that spending hours scrolling Netflix for something to pass the time is in any way healthy.

My mum is in her 60s.. she games online because my dad is a boring fart who just wants her to sit and watch endless history documentaries on TV. Maybe OP should think of something her DH would actually want to do with her... or she could join him gaming.

The gamers are out in force.

OP has three small children and what limited time they could have as a couple is being spent on a game.

It's anti social and rude, and will surely be to the detriment of their relationship in the long run, if it isn't already.

It's fine to have a hobby. It's not reasonable to piss away literally every evening on a solo activity while ignoring your children and wife.

It's not about the fact he games though is it.

His hobby could be anything and it would annoy the op that he didn't want to instead sit and mindlessly scroll through the channels looking for something to watch.

Yes he should be stopping and doing his fair share of the childcare in the evenings but that's not why the ops frustrated. She genuinely seems more cross about the fact he has something to occupy his evenings and she doesn't.
I agree. It sounds like the OP's main issue is that she wants to sit and watch random stuff on the telly and he would rather spend his evening doing something that interests him, which means they whatever his hobby is it would be an issue.

He should not be opting out of doing his fair share of the children waking up though.

Raising 3 kids without him. No time for hobbies. And no I don't watch TV. I spend my evenings catching up on work.

If you watch TV then you can generally make comment if someone enters the room or, you can get up and deal with a child without catastrosizing the possible impact on fictional commitments.