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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take pressure off and just cook what she wants?

140 replies

ChickenBurgersAndWaffles · 14/04/2023 14:20

DD is 8, and most likely ND.

She goes through phases where she insists she dislikes everything put on her plate, bar maybe one or two things, currently it’s everything apart from chicken burgers and waffles.

She’s spent the last few days insisting she only like chicken burgers and waffles, there’s no point arguing with her or trying to serve her anything else as she just won’t eat it.

She’s always worse when out of routine or tired or worried about something – she’s all of these things, out of routine due to easter holidays, tired from holiday club earlier in the week (that she loves but finds exhausting) and worried as she knows that next term is “transititon” term at school and she always worries about transititions before they happen, even though she’s usually fine and surprises herself by managing. DD is also going to her dads tomorrow until Sunday night and that’s another transititon even though she loves going, the thought of changing homes scares her – she came back to me after a week there on Friday hyped up and very unsettled, usually it’s EOWend for 2 nights but holidays he has a week or a few extra days.

We’ve compromised on that she can have some chocolate after eating and has to have some cucumber or raw carrot on her plate (and she sometimes eats this)

But WIBU to just stop arguing and let her have what she wants? I feel like the worst mum for not forcing her to eat properly like I normally would in these phases but I'm exhausted to.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/04/2023 14:22

We’ve compromised on that she can have some chocolate after eating

So you're rewarding her?

Makes no sense.

Just offer her the choice of whatever you are eating that evening. If she doesn't eat it; she goes hungry. Or she can make herself some toast.

You are creating a monster.

hairdresserbreakup · 14/04/2023 14:24

Clearly not the most nutritionally balanced meal in the world but how long do you expect it to last? A week or so? Or longer? If you're confident that she'll go back eating a more balanced diet soon enough I wouldn't fight it for now. It sounds like she's grappling for control at a time when things feel unsettled and uncertain. The two of you fighting over food is only going to make that worse.

However if this is now the thin end of the wedge and she's been gradually cutting down what she'll eat for a while, I'd probably be more worried in your shoes.

Original poster
ChickenBurgersAndWaffles · 14/04/2023 14:27

hairdresserbreakup · 14/04/2023 14:24

Clearly not the most nutritionally balanced meal in the world but how long do you expect it to last? A week or so? Or longer? If you're confident that she'll go back eating a more balanced diet soon enough I wouldn't fight it for now. It sounds like she's grappling for control at a time when things feel unsettled and uncertain. The two of you fighting over food is only going to make that worse.

However if this is now the thin end of the wedge and she's been gradually cutting down what she'll eat for a while, I'd probably be more worried in your shoes.

@hairdresserbreakup Once she's back at school she'll go back to eating "properly" again, so probably by Wednesday or Thursday she'll be fine again.

She's usually good with food, pretty varied diet and only 2 or 3 things she really won't even try otherwise she generally eats pretty well.

OP posts:
BeBesideTheSea · 14/04/2023 14:27

If she is ND then she is trying to have something reliable and familiar that she can cling on to at this time.

This is not a hill to die on at this moment - give her what she wants, with the cucumber/ carrot on her plate too. Come back to it when she is back in her school routine in a week or so.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/04/2023 14:28

My lad went through a faze of eating broccoli and gravy, at every evening meal.

MigAndMog · 14/04/2023 14:36

"Just offer her the choice of whatever you are eating that evening. If she doesn't eat it; she goes hungry". This was what I thought before I had a child like the OPs but now I understand that children are still developing in lots of ways including their taste buds and also, for many, there are sensory issues etc. So if there is only going to be one meal served up then why does the adult impose their taste on the not fully developed child or the other equally valued human with different preferences? My child can't stand to eat combined foods - it's the textures together more than the tastes. They might be ND and this is a common feature. So I don't make them eat eg lasagne or anything in a sauce. We do variations on a theme. Last night we had curry and they had the same chicken just cooked in oil with the rice alongside. It means one more pan to wash up but I value my child enough to do that. The OPs situation is more extreme but it looks as though this is a temporary glitch to be so fixated on only two foods so I would tolerate it for a couple of days at least and then try and broaden it back out once routines are re-established. Some people advise not to make an issue out of food where possible as it may lead to eating disorders. Obviously you also need to make sure there is a fairly balanced diet but it doesn't need to be perfect every day.

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2023 14:39

I wouldn't cater exclusively to whatever is demanded, but would look at making sure that something on her plate is a "safe" food. Then say "this is lunch/dinner" and back off, don't comment on what she is or isn't eating, don't get into rewards or negotiating with chocolate.

She can eat as much or as little as she likes from what's on the plate.

Megapint · 14/04/2023 14:41

Definitely not unreasonable. Take the struggle away for both of you & give her what you know she'll eat.

Icmdiba · 14/04/2023 14:46

You’ll only get sensible answers from people who understand OP.

My daughter is autistic. So yes just serve what she’ll eat. Take the pressure away. She hasn’t got the capacity to eat differently at the moment because of all the other things stressing her out. Look into spoon theory. Have other food on the table she can eat if she wants but don’t even mention it or comment on her eating.

TragicMuse · 14/04/2023 14:46

Honestly, if you can handle it, cook what she wants to eat, even if it's the same every day.

She's unsettled, there's no point adding to stress by forcing her to eat things she doesn't want, or not eating at all.

We've been through phases like this. It's not great at the moment but tbh as long as there are some calories going in I am at the point where I don't really care what form they're in.

Of course some veg or fruit would be better but a calorie is a calorie and if familiarity is a comfort why not facilitate that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2023 14:51

BeBesideTheSea · 14/04/2023 14:27

If she is ND then she is trying to have something reliable and familiar that she can cling on to at this time.

This is not a hill to die on at this moment - give her what she wants, with the cucumber/ carrot on her plate too. Come back to it when she is back in her school routine in a week or so.

This. The only change I'd make is the chocolate. You are already compromising with the chicken and waffles and so discussing with her that the cucumber o carrots is her compromise and sh can eat it or not.

Using this as a way to cope temporarily isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean we all talk about 'comfort food' and this is a version of that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2023 14:55

FWIW my ND DD was great with food but clothes were a nightmare. We once tried on every single pair of sensible shoes in the whole shop on and none were 'comfortable'. And 'uncomfortable' meant getting dressed was like torture every day. If hell is real, mine will be a shoe shop.

Now she wears DMs or Vans and both are always 'safe'.

Everyone learns to manage.

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 14:55

If she’s going to her dad’s from tomorrow, this often happens and she’s fine a few days later, then yes, I’d just serve her what she wants. Vary the veg on the plate with the chicken & waffles, and tell her if she gets bored then you’ll be happy to cook her something else.

catshreddedthesofa · 14/04/2023 15:14

Do you follow kids.eat.in.color on Instagram? She posts a lot about picky eating.

She recommends serving your child's safe foods alongside veggies that they can chose to eat or not eat. You don't make a big deal about the veggies whether they're eaten or not, it's just about exposure.

She also recommends against using chocolate or sweets as a bribe to eat dinner, and instead suggests serving whatever you're comfortable giving with dinner so it becomes less exciting.

Her methods are definitely long game and about food exposure rather than getting them to eat something other than safe foods right now.

Baneofmyexistence · 14/04/2023 15:44

My DD has Down Syndrome so not the same but has only certain food she will eat. It’s not the same as being a fussy eater. It’s because she knows they are ‘safe’ and she understands them. I discussed this at length with her paediatrician and OT and they both said feed her what she will eat. For the most part this is chicken nuggets, chips, alpha bites, sausages, toast, crisps, strawberries, apple and chocolate mini rolls. They said take the pressure off me, her, and make meal times enjoyable and comfortable for her. They recommended slowly adding a tiny amount of other things, e.g a teaspoon of peas to a plate of chicken nuggets and chips, 2 grapes in a bowl of strawberries etc. DD is now at a point where she will try but not fully eat the non safe food. I would just let her have what she wants.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/04/2023 15:49

Food can be a big problem with ND children; and frankly there are bigger issues facing you if she’s undiagnosed and about to go up to secondary school. If you can afford a private diagnosis get one and work up from there. (I speak from personal and professional experience)

Skybluepinky · 14/04/2023 15:58

Don’t reward with chocolate, cook the meal add veg, don’t comment if she doesn’t eat it.

Oblomov23 · 14/04/2023 16:10

Tell her you can do this for today abc tomorrow, or 3 days say, but only if she agrees now to return to a normal menu, in x days time. Because you know this can't continue, needs to be addressed.

Workawayxx · 14/04/2023 16:10

I'd definitely give her what she will eat for now - it sounds like specific circumstances that you understand the dynamics of and reasons for and it'll go back to normal. I'd maybe serve a v small portion of family dinner/veg (on a different plate) and say you'll just put it next to her but no pressure to eat it.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 14/04/2023 16:17

Just go with it of it helps her feel less anxious and it is only short term. Why does one adult member of the household get to decide what everyone else must eat? Personally if the roles were reversed and someone else's food choice were being imposed on me every single night whether i liked it or not I would soon kick off. Find a moddle ground. There are 5 of us and we all pick what we eat for one main meal a week and sat night is takeaway or fakeaway and Sunday is roast dinner. Every meal must contain veg or fruit or salad and the deal is everyone tries the meals everyone else has chosen. If they try and truly dislike it then they get something else.

Boopydoo · 14/04/2023 16:19

Pick your battles was always my motto with my three. It's not worth the fight, let her have consistency in one area for the next week. Relax and enjoy sitting and eating with her with no pressure instead.

tailinthejam · 14/04/2023 16:20

I get it OP, as do others. It's tough, isn't it?

Just give her what she wants for now and just put a few extra odds and ends on her plate as well, as you often do, and feign as much indifference as you possibly can. The advice we were given was to provide at least one or two 'safe' foods every mealtime along with whatever else is for dinner. And to pay no attention to whether it is eaten or not. But I'm preaching to the converted anyway.

Original poster
ChickenBurgersAndWaffles · 14/04/2023 16:22

Just me and DD at home, so I'd be making two meals which I don't want to do long term, so hoping its a short term thing.

She's at her dads for meals tomorrow and Sunday anyway.

OP posts:
JulieHoney · 14/04/2023 16:23

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/04/2023 14:22

We’ve compromised on that she can have some chocolate after eating

So you're rewarding her?

Makes no sense.

Just offer her the choice of whatever you are eating that evening. If she doesn't eat it; she goes hungry. Or she can make herself some toast.

You are creating a monster.

That’s what everyone told me too. It’s bullshit. It resulted in years of distress for us all but most of all our late-diagnosed autistic son for whom these were profound sensory issues.

OP, stick to what she’ll eat as you get her through this stage. And good luck. Parenting ND children can be hard.