To take pressure off and just cook what she wants?

[ChickenBurgersAndWaffles]

DD is 8, and most likely ND.

She goes through phases where she insists she dislikes everything put on her plate, bar maybe one or two things, currently it’s everything apart from chicken burgers and waffles.

She’s spent the last few days insisting she only like chicken burgers and waffles, there’s no point arguing with her or trying to serve her anything else as she just won’t eat it.

She’s always worse when out of routine or tired or worried about something – she’s all of these things, out of routine due to easter holidays, tired from holiday club earlier in the week (that she loves but finds exhausting) and worried as she knows that next term is “transititon” term at school and she always worries about transititions before they happen, even though she’s usually fine and surprises herself by managing. DD is also going to her dads tomorrow until Sunday night and that’s another transititon even though she loves going, the thought of changing homes scares her – she came back to me after a week there on Friday hyped up and very unsettled, usually it’s EOWend for 2 nights but holidays he has a week or a few extra days.

We’ve compromised on that she can have some chocolate after eating and has to have some cucumber or raw carrot on her plate (and she sometimes eats this)

But WIBU to just stop arguing and let her have what she wants? I feel like the worst mum for not forcing her to eat properly like I normally would in these phases but I'm exhausted to.

You aren't making a monster, ignore that bullshit. You're helping your daughter feel safe and comfortable during a transition period. You know it won't last from past experience. Take the pressure away.

I would go for chicken, waffles and a vegetable. (And let her prescribe the vegetable.) I have a child that is very difficult with food - our rule is that we work with it as long as it is nutritionally balanced and so won’t impact his health. (Luckily his favourite, safest, food is peas. He eats a lot of peas. I am amazed that he isn’t green.)

My daughter doesn't eat any vegetables. I cook what I know she'll eat but I also add 2 vegetables to every meal. Not heaps because its a waste. I don't pressurise her. You can't force feed them so no point in forcing the issue. I do sneak veg into sauces gravys where possible.

I wonder if any mum EVER had this conversation even 50 years ago? I don't think so. Dinner was on the table, eat it or don't eat it.
I wonder if any mum on a tight budget haggles with their child over dinner?
I wonder if (not that long ago in the history of man) when the hunter returned from his hunt with a goat for example the child said "I don't wanna eat goat, can you go back and hunt me a chicken" (I can imagine the hunters response to that cheeky request!!!!

Choose your battles - this isn't one I would be fighting.

If, as you say, she is ND and all out of sync with Easter Holidays etc., this is her way of coping. Go with it, and use it to start a conversation about it. My boy is ND and has many quirks over the years and I realised very early on that these quirks tended to wax and wane, and often become less troublesome when I had accepted his need to do whatever/eat whatever. Once he had a bit of validation, he was less spikey. And talk to her about it. Say you understand this is something that will make her feel less anxious, but once everything is back to normal then so will dinner. But the bottom line is she needs you to help her deal with these problems, so you need to be dealing with them together, not ending up always arguing about something she can't necessarily control yet.

Op cook her waffles and chicken burger. And if that's what she wants when she gets back from Dads, cook it then too.
She's not NT, she's clinging to something safe she can control, and you know once she's in routine it'll right itself.

All the "let her go to bed hungry or send her to the kitchen to make her own food" is meant well, but not every kid who won't eat is just picky, and you're def not making a monster.

Stop pandering to her . Cook a meal and that's what she has . If she doesn't want it she goes hungry.

Just offer her the choice of whatever you are eating that evening. If she doesn't eat it; she goes hungry. Or she can make herself some toast.

You have clearly never tried to get a child to eat who would rather go hungry than eat something they don't like.

You are creating a monster.

What a nasty remark.

I hope your DD gets past this @ChickenBurgersAndWaffles

For the sake of less than a week, I'd give her what she'll eat. Especially if she's compromising and having the raw veg too.

I'd rather she was eating something when she's tried and stressed than adding to that stress - its not like you are having permanent battles with a fussy eater , she's out of sorts and should be allowed have something she wants.

My mum started university at 18 so underweight and malnourished that she hadn’t yet started her periods.

As an adult she struggled massively with her weight as when she saw food that she could eat she couldn’t stop eating in case there was nothing she could eat again for days.

Her main memory of her childhood was endless mealtime battles.

Not sure that is a perfect solution……

(She was pretty sympathetic to me and my brother and our normal childhood fussiness. As a result, for us, mealtimes were an enjoyable part of family life. )

God Forbid a child go hungry!
Why are people so afraid now of sending a child to be bed hungry?
Trust me they will only go to bed hungry once or twice before they get the message. Don't make loads of work for yourself or issues surrounding food, once u have dished up the dinner your job is done.

That's not how neurodiversity works.

Exactly this. Avoid mealtime battles do not make a thing out of it. Serve the dinner. If its not eaten throw it away (well feed it to the dog at least or husband !!!!)

https://www.autistica.org.uk/what-is-autism/signs-and-symptoms/anorexia-and-autism

There is so much ignorance on this thread. I didn’t post this link as it’s not relevant to OP. However, ND women are more likely to develop anorexia.

Saying they will eat if hungry is simply untrue of many ND people. It’s not understanding the real anxiety around food.

???

That's not how good aversion works.

DS physically won't eat enough to sustain himself. And that's with me cooking food he'll eat. He doesn't get hungry enough. Parenting like you do, how underweight would you let him get before you changed tactic?

*food

I think your instincts are good OP. Keep doing what you're doing. A few days' grace in transition back to school is just sensible and kind.

Can't help but feel you've missed the point. Her Mom grew up malnourished because it was "eat what I cook or go hungry" which is exactly your position. Her mother then raised her kids differently, which was clearly better as they don't have eating disorders.

You are not creating a monster.

Yes for now offer what she’ll eat, ideally in addition to some other things you know she’ll usually eat too. Keep mealtimes light and positive as hard as that can be. No pressure to eat the other things you put out and if she only plays with them, takes a small bite etc don’t make it an issue. I’d suggest a separate plate she can put any food she doesn’t want on it ‘to be shared’ or ‘for later’.

It sounds like she’s getting overwhelmed due to the change of the holidays plus the pending transitions. Sometimes if ND children struggle with change and times when there’s lots of it they’ll look to control something they easily can like food.

Also for some children with sensory needs things they can manage ok such as certain foods is harder if they’re overwhelmed/overstimulated/not regulated so this could be playing apart.

Try not to worry too much about it.

No, the poster stated that each mealtime was a battle and an issue was made out of food.

As an autistic adult who is able to make my own food choices, familiar food is vital at times of stress and anxiety. Battling about it just increases the anxiety and is likely to lead to further restriction. Do as you're doing with the bit of cucumber etc on the plate, but let mealtimes be low key and stress free. As long as she's eating, it's good. She can take a multivitamin.

The poster has not mentioned any extreme mental health conditions? Im sorry for your situation.

It's in the first line of the OP.