To take pressure off and just cook what she wants?

[ChickenBurgersAndWaffles]

DD is 8, and most likely ND.

She goes through phases where she insists she dislikes everything put on her plate, bar maybe one or two things, currently it’s everything apart from chicken burgers and waffles.

She’s spent the last few days insisting she only like chicken burgers and waffles, there’s no point arguing with her or trying to serve her anything else as she just won’t eat it.

She’s always worse when out of routine or tired or worried about something – she’s all of these things, out of routine due to easter holidays, tired from holiday club earlier in the week (that she loves but finds exhausting) and worried as she knows that next term is “transititon” term at school and she always worries about transititions before they happen, even though she’s usually fine and surprises herself by managing. DD is also going to her dads tomorrow until Sunday night and that’s another transititon even though she loves going, the thought of changing homes scares her – she came back to me after a week there on Friday hyped up and very unsettled, usually it’s EOWend for 2 nights but holidays he has a week or a few extra days.

We’ve compromised on that she can have some chocolate after eating and has to have some cucumber or raw carrot on her plate (and she sometimes eats this)

But WIBU to just stop arguing and let her have what she wants? I feel like the worst mum for not forcing her to eat properly like I normally would in these phases but I'm exhausted to.

Yes - mealtimes were a battle because my mum just would not eat the food her parents served. And eventually even my grandparents - who were a bit shit generally - realised that having a child that was severely underweight was not ideal.

Their solution was to turn mealtimes into a battle. Which didn’t work as she still wouldn’t eat.

Eventually she hit 18, went to university, gained enough weight to have a healthy BMI and very rarely went home.

An alternative would have been to give her food that she would eat.

If she won’t eat anything else you would need to provide a multivitamin. Keep trying with raw veg and fruit though along with the preferred food. You may need to have her iron levels checked too if she seems more lethargic.

I've got two autistic teens and mealtimes are interesting I mostly have to cook 3 different meals each night. It's that or they don't eat.

My daughter has suspected ARFID but the waiting list for help with this is huge. She is only a manageable weight because I feed her safe foods. This is not bad behaviour it is sensory mostly and fixed views, she's vegetarian but won't eat anything unless it has a clear lable to say it is vegetarian even if it's pretty bloody obvious that it is. She is so frightened of breaking the rules she's set herself.

No one with neurotypical kids will understand. So ignore their comments.

No diagnosis as we don't have major issues at school with mood or meltdowns although she can be very sensitive and pushes back against anything that means a transition, but referrals get rejected. I can't afford private, so we just have to do with suspected Neurodiverse.

Generally she eats well, doesn't like mushrooms or very crunchy food like tacos/fajitas but will eat most meats, loves vegetables and some fruit. Always had a very sweet tooth as well, like me in that sense. She goes through phases of wanting a particular food quite often but will eat it with other things, so she might get obsessed with Pasta but I can serve it as bolognese or with tuna and veg etc. Before this she was obsessed with Rice so we ate a lot of different risottos and vegetables. Just how she is.

But at the moment she's insisting she only likes Chicken Burgers and Waffles mores specifically Aldi Chicken Burgers and Birds Eye Waffles will drop the chocolate bribe but leave cucumber and carrot on the plate.

Will go with it for now and if it's still an issue next week then try something else.

My son is nt but when he was about 2 and a half he stopped eating most things. He would only have a boiled egg and maybe 3 crisps or 2 biscuits.
He lost a lot of weight and we saw a paediatric dietitian who said to give him what he would eat and not try to force him to have other foods.
He did it for about 6 weeks and then went back to eating normally. No idea why but he's fine now, he's 32 and has no food issues.
Just give her what she'll eat. Don't listen to the "she'll eat when she's hungry bollocks" she won't.

Easier said than done but stop consulting her over meals or talking about it if possible, deflect if you can. Don't bring it up.

Then, I'd throw it all on the table on plates... a plate of chicken burgers (thing she'll eat), with a plate of buns, bowl of salad (healthy option) with whatever else you want to serve... corn on cob, cous cous or chips, whatever. Everybody sits, helps themselves, nobody mentions food or mentions what she's putting on her plate. Nobody cojoles her to try anything. Talk about anything but.

All pressure is off, you know there's something there she'll eat and you've fulfilled your parental obligations by serving it alongside something healthy. It's her responsibility to choose what goes in her mouth. Let her be in control.

As you say, it does seem to coincide with transitions and changes, being out of routine.

50 years ago?

Here you go:

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/002239997090053X
A majority of mothers take infinite pains to fit into their children’s food preferences and caprices. Yet the incidence of variable and finicky eating has recently been shown to reach about 30 per cent amongst 4-yr-olds, and an even larger group of mothers (42 per cent) in the same study were mildly or even very concerned about the amount their children ate. Even higher rates of feeding disturbances (35 per cent, 45 per cent) have been noted in previous studies. (1970)

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0005791672900328
This paper demonstrates the usefulness of a behavioral approach in modifying problem behaviors in a 4-year-old girl. The problem behaviors were (1) she would not feed herself a full meal, and (2) she refused table foods.

A shaping procedure was used in which gradual steps toward the goal of getting her to feed herself table foods were reinforced by her mother. Reinforcers included social attention and praise, preferred strained foods, sweet foods, preferred table foods and favorite television programs. Within a period of 20 weeks, the child had fed herself 50 different table foods. (1972)

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1469-8749.1975.tb04671.x
This paper discusses behavioral mismanagement as a cause of feeding problems in children and reports the case of a six-year-old handicapped boy who was subsisting almost entirely on pureed foods at the time of his referral. […] The authors discuss the frequent occurrence of feeding problems in children and their possible causes. They propose that such problems constitute a clinical entity and suggest a preliminary classification system for them. (1975)

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0022318274800610
Reports from mental retardation centers (1) and personal experience at the Georgetown University Affiliated Child Development Center (The Center) indicate that feeding problems occur frequently in the preschool handicapped child. Among the most common are prolonged subsistence on pureed or junior foods due to delayed neuromuscular development, mechanical feeding difficulties, bizarre food habits such as eating butter by the stick or salt by the spoonful, temper tantrums at meal times, or simply a refusal to eat a variety of foods. (1974)

And that's from a very cursory, quick 'n' dirty Google search. It's pretty easy to find accounts of the kinds of problems parents report on MN today, from many different time periods and parts of the world where records have been kept and where these kinds of things are considered worthy of coverage. I won't dispute that these tendencies will be dealt with differently in different times and places, or that it's possible that a certain percentage of picky eaters only express that pickiness when given choices, but it's hardly a here-and-now-only phenomenon.

"You are creating a monster. "

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy the fact that you can say something so cruel and unhelpful means you have literally no idea what it's like to live with truly selective eating

Hi OP, as a previous poster said, you'll only get sensible advice from people who have experience. It's not 'picky' eating when dealing with ND, it's sensory. My DD also goes through stages of refusing even her 'safe foods' but it soon settles. At the moment she's happy and relaxed and tried a bit of melon today. She hasn't liked any new foods she's tried for years, but she does try and get lots of praise for that.
As you've said yourself, your DD often eats well, so don't worry. Give her this time to process what's bothering her and make her life easier and a safe space to do that. I do not reward or punish with food. My daughter will get her small pudding whether she eats her tea or not. Same for my son who is NT. take care x

Op don't take advice unless people understand your child is neurodiverse.

There is a good book called getting the little blighters to eat that I found helpful and another one specifically about ARFID - I will try to find the title. ...it was by a specialist who hd worked with thousands of children who were ND

essentially - just gently try to introduce new foods again and again - try to avoid restricting the presentation of new things - while letting her have what she is familiar with.

do not bribe/ beg/ plead with your child to eat - really.

Place food in front of them, create a calm drama free environment - light candles ! make it nice, enjoy meal time (this was hugely helpful as we were all beginning to dread mealtime and - what child would enjoy trying new food when really stressed with lots of adults angry or stressed or upset??

let go of the pressure (i absolutely know how hard this is - my husband sometimes has to leave the house he finds it so stressful watching my daughter pick at her food)

Make sure that you give DC multivitamins and minerals if she'll take them. At least then if she is missing something she'll get it in a supplement. You might need to try a few types. My daughter won't take gummy ones or orange flavour but I've found one she likes and I feel reassured that she is at least taking that.

It's so depressing how many posts seem to think neurodiverse children are being awkward and just need a bit of tough love.

Thus speaks the happy parent of a neurotypical child.

Did you miss the bit where OP said her DD is ND? Which means your suggestion is unlikely to work!

Give her what she wants - maybe add a multivitamin to her daily routine too as a back up. I had 4 kids living at home: one who had sensory issues around texture and sauces and veg etc, one veggie, one who still thinks a grind of pepper makes it all too spicy so couldn't eat anything hot (a korma tastes like vindaloo to her) and one who really loves trying everything. Me, I don't eat dairy and hate creaminess in anything. Meals were still great fun, served most meals on dishes in centre of table. The rule was only take loads if you'll eat it, take a tiny bit if you're not sure. Lots of leftovers which got rolled out next meal or as snacks later.

Guess what, they all survived and are healthy. One who hates spice now has discovered that she gets IBS if she eats onions but other than that they all still eat in pretty much the same way as they did as kids. Personal tastes and preferences are just that, personal and to be respected. Sounds like your DD knows and responds to her own needs in a way that helps meets her needs. Sounds like you and her are doing a great job. Eat what you like and serve her what she likes. Sit together and model pleasant meals and eating and chat about the normal stuff that chit chat is made up of. No need to analyse this further. Enjoy your daughter, I look back so fondly on our family meals and the noise and chatter. It was hard work but I miss those days so much.

Good luck you are doing amazingly, there's nothing worse than having these issues to cope with, the ones where the professionals/teachers decide they're not severe enough to actually be something, but they ignore the fact it impacts lives massively and expect you to just get on with it alone.

My dds are autistic. For months now my youngest has only eaten spaghetti, birdseye nuggets and veg. I used to worry a lot and I’ll often give her a little bowl of something else that we’re eating if she wants to try it but as long as eats that’s okay with me. Maybe give your dd a multi vitamin as well. My mum’s friend’s son grew up eating just cheese sandwiches. I’d go with what she needs.

Hi - I think there is a lot of peer pressure guilt issues for mothers with children who have limited tastes. My son has 5/6 safe meals and each time he eats something new we do a mini celebration but always stick to the rules - safe food on the plate with new. I want me child to eat and not turn meal times into a battle.

In a response to what did parents do 50 years ago? I am 43 and about 35 years ago I remember my mum doing this - eat what you are given. I used to gag at the table or just not eat and was extremely skinny as a child. My mum did eventually modify my food to food I could eat but a pattern had started with meal times just being a constant battle and fear for me.

Couldn't eat at friends houses as too scared I wouldn't like it. Even now I still don't have a good relationship with food. Over eat and still seem to live in a must eat now as I don't know if I will get food I will like again.

So to consider - I was a very picky eater now eat so much and so variety - just couldn't do it as a child

Someone doesn’t have a ND child…

You know your child better than anyone.

There is nothing worse than cooking a meal and arguing over the eating of it.

I'm sure you're doing your best.

ND children are not the same. The same tactics and parenting skills that work for neurotypical children will not work here.

If you took her to the doctors they would say just continue giving it to her - anyone judging you just doesn’t understand.

Jesus Christ, some of the comments on this thread.

Cook her what she wants. Add some other things, just in case. Try and sneak a smoothie in or banana "ice cream".

I spent years leaving my DD's carrots on the chopping board raw whilst steaming ours, or adding peppers and cucumber to her Sunday lunch (no meat, extra stuffing balls) or souping anything. Turns out she's ASD and now she's 16 she can tell me how smooth she wants her bolognaise sauce liquidising, why mashing her beans works (feel like flies in her mouth otherwise) and to give her skinny noodles if we need to have a conversation as she eats them slowly.

Honestly, I wonder if the "send her to bed hungry" people ever cook and force themselves to eat the foods they don't like.....? They're allowed to have preferences but the kids aren't, in my experience.

Good luck OP x

If you child isn’t ND then please refrain from posting.

My children aren't ND (as far as I'm aware - they're still very young) but I have as much experience with ND children here so I'll post when I want to, thank you.