To take pressure off and just cook what she wants?

[ChickenBurgersAndWaffles]

DD is 8, and most likely ND.

She goes through phases where she insists she dislikes everything put on her plate, bar maybe one or two things, currently it’s everything apart from chicken burgers and waffles.

She’s spent the last few days insisting she only like chicken burgers and waffles, there’s no point arguing with her or trying to serve her anything else as she just won’t eat it.

She’s always worse when out of routine or tired or worried about something – she’s all of these things, out of routine due to easter holidays, tired from holiday club earlier in the week (that she loves but finds exhausting) and worried as she knows that next term is “transititon” term at school and she always worries about transititions before they happen, even though she’s usually fine and surprises herself by managing. DD is also going to her dads tomorrow until Sunday night and that’s another transititon even though she loves going, the thought of changing homes scares her – she came back to me after a week there on Friday hyped up and very unsettled, usually it’s EOWend for 2 nights but holidays he has a week or a few extra days.

We’ve compromised on that she can have some chocolate after eating and has to have some cucumber or raw carrot on her plate (and she sometimes eats this)

But WIBU to just stop arguing and let her have what she wants? I feel like the worst mum for not forcing her to eat properly like I normally would in these phases but I'm exhausted to.

I think if she generally eats well, let her have what she wants during difficult phases. I'm an autistic adult and generally have a very wide and adventurous diet. Apart from being vegetarian for other reasons, in standard times there are maybe two or three dishes I won't eat. However, during times when I am stressed or have a lot on, my palate narrows right down. I can only manage a very few things. That's not me being picky, or difficult, it's just that when there's more than usual to process in my brain then my food has to be as same as possible. If I try to eat something that's not a safe food during that time, I will literally gag and spit it out as fast as I can.
Luckily I'm an adult now and I can adjust as necessary, keep an eye on signs that I need more vitamins and supplement or have smoothies, and it doesn't last that long. Maybe your DD is like me.

But not all kids experience hunger the same. DS would choose the sensation of hunger over the sensation of putting say yoghurt or spag bol or chocolate milk into his mouth.

What a massive load of shite! How to say ‘I don’t understand neurodiversity’ without actually saying it and just spouting a lot of drivel. My husband had issues with food and had had all his life. I have seen him not eat for 48 hours as none of his ‘safe’ food was available. His mum took him to the Dr in desperation after forcing, cajoling, letting him go hungry..it doesn’t work like that.

‘Hungry kids eat’ ha ha ha no they don’t. I’ll let you meet my husband who would rather be hungry than eat food he doesn’t like. I’ve seen him go 48 hours with no food. Starving hungry but won’t eat unless it’s something he likes.

A Mum on a tight budget is more likely to restrict to food they know a their child will definitely eat, surely? Because she can’t afford to risk any waste on an “eat it or leave it” basis. Not sure you’ve thought your views on this through very thoroughly.

'Same fooding' (what we refer to it as in my house) is something my ARFID causes when im really stressed or super tired or in lots of pain.

Fortunately, I am an adult so I can generally just get on with it, I try to have some veg on the plate, as well as the familiar thing, but will often run out of steam before I've eaten it all.

Battles over food really don't help, despite the number of people who have never experienced ND related food issues (or even common NT ones!) insisting it does. There is a good chance that they will create massive stress around mealtimes which in turn will cause further food related and stress related problems.

Provide the familiar food.
Provide some other food.
Make sure it's not touching or off putting for any reason.
Don't do bribes or rewards or 'if you eat this then you can have that' and definitely do not do 'oh wow you tried xyz well done see it wasn't so bad'...

If there is dessert, then there is - stick it on the table at the same time it does not matter if its eaten first, middle or last. It is all food.

If there isn't, then there isn't.

Eating regular meals is the habit you want to promote. Avoiding stress is everything. You can widen the range of food someone eats if they are happy and stress free at mealtimes, but you'll NEVER do that by force with someone anxious and over threshold.

Agree with all this. And you are right about common NT food-related issues. It doesn’t help for parents of NT children to be going down the “eat it or go hungry” route either - ok the child may be able to force themselves to eat in a way that the ND child can’t but in the long run it risks creating even more issues while parents assume that they’ve solved the problem. A range of foods offered including enough “safe” ones for the child’s calorie requirements, plus some variation, works much better. One of my children (all NT) always restricts themselves to a narrow range of (fortunately fairly healthy, but extremely boring) options when tired/sad/out of routine, and this low pressure approach often results in more quantity and variety being eaten than it looked like they were going to at the start of the meal - and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t matter.

Some safe food on her plate. Some other food in the middle of the table you can serve yourselves. Praise if she tries it.

Would she consider something like a smoothie or small cup of soup she can down with some fruit or veg in, away from mealtimes?

I was a fussy child treated with the 'like it or lump it' approach, it was horrible. It genuinely caused me emotional upset to eat food that didn't seem safe. I grew out of it eventually and I've never taken the same approach with my kids.

You are ignoring the fact that some people don't feel hunger.

I agree with this.

With ND kids, you need to not try and impose the same things that work for NT kids.
The safe food makes her feel safe on days when everything feels out of control due to too many transitions.

If you know that it is just for a while, then pick your battles.
I would serve her the chicken burger with the cucumber if she will tolerate it. If she will eat pudding, don't make it a treat, but just serve it, chocolate or whatever.

By the way, for those who are sniffy about the chocolate, when a friend's dd had a very restricted diet, the nutritionist said as long as she is eating chocolate she will be fine!

That's not a sound basis for evolution.

Neither is healthcare.

Are we reeeeeeally going to have this discussion? Really? Cause it gets quite unpleasant, quite quickly.

My DS (7) is ND and dinner time has previously been a proper battleground. We sat down at a quiet time and together compiled a list of 10 simple options that would be acceptable for dinner. These included options like a bowl of non-fun cereal, sandwich etc. Plus extras after like a yoghurt/fruit/biscuit. Some days he is just not as hungry.

Things have been much calmer as we rotate through the options and he is now becoming more open to trying different things from my plate or school lunches

Just sharing what has worked (so far) for us. You can only do what you can do and my priority has been to take the stress away from the dinner table as we always ended up in the same place anyway!

It sounds like arfid or a sensory issue. To be honest I’d just go with it. Chicken burger, waffle and carrot/cucumber. You know why and can try adding other foods again in a few days. She’s obviously overwhelmed and having safe food makes things easier.

Haven’t read the full thread but take no advice from anyone with no experience of ND children. Parenting NT children is completely different.