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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband friends with ex mistress

123 replies

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 11:38

Long story short my husband had a full blown affair lasting over a year with a work colleague. When I found out he begged me to stay and told me she was always just a friend and the sexual side of things should never have happened 🙄. I stayed as he seemed so remorseful and desperate to fix things with me. They still work together (he can’t leave his job at the moment for various reasons) and he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.
when I got angry saying it would not be happening he got very defensive and made out I was being highly unreasonable to stop him. Please confirm to me that him socialising with her in any capacity is totally inappropriate? I’ve been gaslit for so long now that I can’t always work out what is acceptable or not anymore (and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave)

OP posts:
Sunnydays0101 · 14/04/2023 11:39

I think you need to seriously consider leaving your husband. He sounds as if he has no respect for you at all.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/04/2023 11:40

I think you should ask him to leave.

Chat23433 · 14/04/2023 11:41

Yes of course this is a line that he shouldn’t even be thinking about crossing if he wants to make it work with you and not her.

The fact that he then follows this with insults towards your feelings speaks volumes about how urgent his need to see her is over his consideration of your feelings.

OrigamiOwls · 14/04/2023 11:42

If he was genuinely remorseful then they is no way he'd still want to hang out with the other women.

Chat23433 · 14/04/2023 11:43

And it sounds to me as though they are continuing an intimate relationship even if sex is now on the bank burner. They’re still having a relationship aren’t they, even if it’s purely an emotional one.

Isiteveningyet · 14/04/2023 11:44

Wow I can’t even believe this is a question, he’s done a right number on you. He must think you’re proper desperate to be with him.

he’s just told you he intends on continuing his affair. It will start with the hour a week (will they bollocks be dog walking) and progress from there.

I think you need to try hard to salvage some dignity and end it

Dotcheck · 14/04/2023 11:46

Of course it’s not reasonable of him

bellalou1234 · 14/04/2023 11:46

No that's just awful. He's away out to meet her with your ddog and you've just got to sit at home wondering. He's got a nerve to even ask and think that it would be OK.. ltb.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 14/04/2023 11:46

your STBX is a complete wa**er get rid asap before he damages you any more!

Original poster
Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 11:47

Thanks everyone. If I was reading this from someone else I would think they were mad to have not packed their bags and left immediately. It’s so difficult when going through it though and having a narcissist continually manipulate and gaslight you until you start to accept toxic behaviour

OP posts:
Nagado · 14/04/2023 11:47

Of course it’s inappropriate. Your reaction to this is completely normal, understandable and a lot calmer that mine would have been.

Having said that, you’re planning on leaving and his actions have now confirmed to you that you owe this creature absolutely nothing. In your position, I’d give serious consideration to whether it might give you the upper hand to simply let him think he’s successfully gaslit you again, giving you a bit of extra space to make your plans. But I am mean and sneaky.

NurseCranesRolodex · 14/04/2023 11:47

One correct course of action.
He is not good enough for you. Get him to fuck. ASAP.
Take time to get over this, get therapy to uncover why you were one of his victims. You can make sure, from this point on it will never happen again. Get him out your home TODAY. Seriously, get him out the house today. Where he lives, how much money he has, all his problem. He has other places to go. It's over.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:47

and he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.

yuck yuck and yuck

have some self respect op
pronto

PermanentTemporary · 14/04/2023 11:48

The pain of missing her wouldn't exist if he hadn't got into a relationship with her. It's entirely his own fault and it will end quicker if he doesn't see her.

Though tbh id be tempted not to spend much energy trying to keep this dog on the porch.

Cleoforever · 14/04/2023 11:48

and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave

like what?

do you have children?

Viviennemary · 14/04/2023 11:48

If he socialises with her the affair will start again. I'd be suspicious that it already had.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 11:49

Totally inappropriate. And he is getting cross becuase he is defensive/ knows it's wrong. If he can't - at the very least - sacrifice the relationship with the woman he almost threw your marraige away for he can't be very sorry.

TempNCforthis · 14/04/2023 11:49

He thinks you are a complete mug, doesn't he?

Is she with a partner, too?

Keep hold of your self respect and tell him to get out, OP. You will never be happy with him again. He's ruined everything and continues to do so, too.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 11:50

But if he is a narcissist who manipulates you why do you stay with him? for me the affair would be the perfect catalyst to leave.

Lobelia123 · 14/04/2023 11:53

you must be joking!!!! This cheating, lying asshole gets the incredible gift of you staying and trying to work on your marriage, and he tries to pull the 'friendship' card? Hasnt the friendship gone over the line and turned physical already - not just once as a mistake, but for a year?? He doesnt miss her friendship at all, he misses her c*nt. Sorry to be so crude, but you need to get really angry at the disrespect this man is showing you . He will 100% use this as a justification in his steps towards building back to shagging this woman. Get angry and get rid of him! Hes giving you advance notice of whats coming.

PennyForearm · 14/04/2023 11:54

If, like you say, you really are preparing to leave in a few months, then let him crack on, why do you even care, surely this is a gift?

It will be good for him to be distracted, continuing his affair in plain sight and thinking he’s got the upper had.

Workawayxx · 14/04/2023 12:11

I think you can do one of two things:

One: Say yes OK and totally detach and divorce ASAP. Hope that his ongoing affair (whether emotional or physical) keeps him distracted and use it as motivation to leave. I found my ex was easier to deal with the better his relationship with OW was going. Upside is he thinks his gaslighting is working on you and is lulled into a false sense of security. Downside is you feel even more disrespected and shit as you're allowing it.

Two: Say no and still totally detach and divorce ASAP. Maybe harder as he will be doing some of the right things and you may start to feel lulled into a sense of security and wonder if you should continue the relationship. Most likely though he'll see her anyway using the excuse (when you inevitably find out) of "me not seeing her as a friend was totally unreasonable so that's why I did it anyway...".

Either way, really focus on building yourself and your life up and working on getting out. So sorry you're going through it - it's so hard Flowers.

GreyTS · 14/04/2023 12:16

Nagado · 14/04/2023 11:47

Of course it’s inappropriate. Your reaction to this is completely normal, understandable and a lot calmer that mine would have been.

Having said that, you’re planning on leaving and his actions have now confirmed to you that you owe this creature absolutely nothing. In your position, I’d give serious consideration to whether it might give you the upper hand to simply let him think he’s successfully gaslit you again, giving you a bit of extra space to make your plans. But I am mean and sneaky.

This! If you are planning to leave then perhaps start practicing some level of detachment. He's an awful person and clearly they can't be trusted but the main thing now is to find some peace for yourself and let him go.....but definitely leave him, don't be talked into staying and accepting this ridiculous behaviour

Original poster
Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 12:23

I’m 100% leaving as I don’t want to go through the rest of my 30s feeling so anxious and miserable because of his behaviour. I have inheritance coming in 3 months so I’m just biding my time and I have filled in two applications for shared ownership mortgages (not ideal but I can’t afford a mortgage on my own but could do it this way). I guess I just wanted clarification that I wasn’t being mean by stopping them being friends when they apparently have such a great connection and it’s 100% platonic now 😐. He got really annoyed with me yesterday saying it was a year ago and I need to get over it and he will be friends with who he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 12:24

I will try and detach myself and pretend I’m fine with him being friends with her (as like you say he will continue to meet up with her regardless and once I’ve left he will see her whenever he wants too so I might as well just let them crack on)

OP posts:
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