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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband friends with ex mistress

123 replies

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 11:38

Long story short my husband had a full blown affair lasting over a year with a work colleague. When I found out he begged me to stay and told me she was always just a friend and the sexual side of things should never have happened 🙄. I stayed as he seemed so remorseful and desperate to fix things with me. They still work together (he can’t leave his job at the moment for various reasons) and he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.
when I got angry saying it would not be happening he got very defensive and made out I was being highly unreasonable to stop him. Please confirm to me that him socialising with her in any capacity is totally inappropriate? I’ve been gaslit for so long now that I can’t always work out what is acceptable or not anymore (and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave)

OP posts:
niugboo · 15/04/2023 08:12

Ok just seen grandad has died already. You’re already in a mess.

Crazykatie · 15/04/2023 08:13

You will never willingly condone him “being friends” with another woman (or man) it does not work the tension is too much. Make preparations, leave as soon as you can, start again and dont look back.

Blendintothebackground · 15/04/2023 08:17

This man is a walking red flag and you need to get as far away from him as you can and as quickly as possible!
do you have any children?

Gagaandgag · 15/04/2023 08:18

Your life is worth more than this. I can imagine it’s very hard once you are on the ‘Inside’
All the best OP, sending you strength for moving on

Notonthestairs · 15/04/2023 08:20

You will both need to go through finances and declare your pensions, savings etc. You keeping it secret or in your Dad's account is nether here nor there.

Have you had any advice from a family law solicitor? If you haven't you need to make an appointment now.

Crazykatie · 15/04/2023 08:24

The OW saying its happy to be platonic - yea yea

Dont try to hide the inheritance it will have to be revealed, wether it is included in the settlement is up to courts to decide, a lot may depend on how the will was written. Tell your solicitor and follow the advice, anything else could cost a lot in legal fees.

MushMonster · 15/04/2023 08:24

I would not tell him to his face that I am OK with him seeing her, I think that is too suspicious. But I would not fight over it or check on him. He is clearly doing it.
Just say that is not appropriate. Take his shit as a good excuse to remain away from him till you leave. Move to spare room or dump him on the spare room.
But.... I think in your case, Ivwould not bother with 6 months wait, I would pack and leave now. Life is too short to share space with an idiot like this.
Can you really really not go now? Move in with your father for that while?

Biddie191 · 15/04/2023 08:38

It's my opinion that he is currently getting his ducks in a row, and the reason he is asking to have more time with her 'as a friend' is that he's told her he's leaving you, but is trying to maximise what he can get out of it first. You say he knows nothing about your inheritance from your grandad, but is there a chance he may have an inkling about it?
Not sure how long ago your grandad died, but probate can take a few years (has in my dad's case) - if you can get an agreement of a settlement soon, it will probably be in your favour, but as others have said, get good legal advice and follow it.
Personally I would be separating all finances as soon as possible, as he may well be trying to syphon off assets already. Sending best wishes x

MeridianB · 15/04/2023 08:39

Whether it’s sheer arrogance or blind delusion, the fact that he thinks he should be close to this woman and you’re the one being unreasonable would be enough to kill any feelings you must have retained for this idiot.

As PPs have said, this is clearly still an emotional affair and could tip back to physical at any time. I’m so impressed at how strong you sound and the steps you’re taking to protect yourself and your inheritance.

Only upwards from here, OP.

AgrathaChristie · 15/04/2023 08:49

Can you get a mortgage with your Dad as guarantor? I think you need to cut your DH out as much as you can. Or a joint mortgage with your dad?

WilsonMilson · 15/04/2023 08:52

Come on op, this is very simple.
He’s clearly still at it with this woman and is now gaslighting into you accepting the situation.

‘Walking the dog’ is he? Well, that’s a euphemism I’ve not heard for shagging before.

He’s an utter shitbag and making a complete fool of you. Do not let him!

I’d tell him exactly where he can fuck off to, and I’d be helping him pack so he can do so immediately.

ElizaMulvil · 15/04/2023 08:57

Why is 'your' inheritance going to your Dad first? Is he just the executor of the will or is he the beneficiary and then going to make you a present?

Lots of possibilities to help you.

Eg legal advice re Deed of Variation. You may be able to renounce your inheritance as long as all the beneficiaries agree. Then your dad could give you money later after you have divorced. Do you trust him? NB check IHT potential maybe for his estate.

Or Dad could set up a trust fund etc. to protect you. This is a common ploy to make sure family money remains in the family. The TF could pay deposit/buy a house for you etc.

Various possibilities to make sure your ex can't get at the money. You need a specialist solicitor not someone who dips into Crime, Motor claims, Family law etc. Check Legal 500 for the best in your area or failing that there will be London based firms aplenty.

JMSA · 15/04/2023 09:00

A decent man wouldn't consider this in the first place, let alone ask if it was ok.
He obviously still has feelings for her.

DeflatedAgain · 15/04/2023 10:06

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

This!! Protect yourself

FabFitFifties · 15/04/2023 10:57

Tell him it's HIS decision to make. It's not your job to make these decisions for him. He'll hate that, as it puts him firmly in the wrong. I would then move much quicker, to leave, than you have been planning. Goodluck.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/04/2023 19:42

Sorry, but I don’t see how you can be friends with someone you’ve been intimate with. Eventually the temptation will be too much and it’ll start up again. And the fact he’s told you he misses her company makes it even more likely. I think he’s an arse for even suggesting it after the hurt it’s caused you, and it would be the end for me.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 15/04/2023 20:41

He is unbelievable. What a stupid cunt he is. I can’t wait for you to get the last laugh, and walk out with everything sorted out behind his back, into your new life. Fuck him 🖕🏻 The shine on her will fade rapidly.

Newestname002 · 15/04/2023 22:15

Pineappletart7 · 15/04/2023 08:08

He doesn’t have a clue about the inheritance as I’ve get it completely from him (he obviously knows my grandad died but he has no idea that he had some secret savings which were left for me in his will). I will speak to solicitor next week to clarify a few things

Unsure f anyone else has mentioned this but I think once probate has been granted wills are public documents and you can get a copy (England and Wales)🌹

Spiderboy · 15/04/2023 22:18

He’s isn’t remorseful, he just doesn’t want to have to deal with upheaval of splitting up your family. He’s a man who wants his cake and to eat it too. He doesn’t care about your feelings and only cares about his image. You’re over

TheCatterall · 28/07/2023 12:42

@Pineappletart7 I hope you got your ducks in a row and have left him and your inheritance is safely tucked away.

Hoppinggreen · 28/07/2023 12:44

Be careful he doesn’t get a chunk of your inheritance

Tlittle · 28/07/2023 13:12

Hell no!

Amandasummers · 28/07/2023 13:28

It's a no from me. The sheer audacity of him.

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