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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband friends with ex mistress

123 replies

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 11:38

Long story short my husband had a full blown affair lasting over a year with a work colleague. When I found out he begged me to stay and told me she was always just a friend and the sexual side of things should never have happened 🙄. I stayed as he seemed so remorseful and desperate to fix things with me. They still work together (he can’t leave his job at the moment for various reasons) and he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.
when I got angry saying it would not be happening he got very defensive and made out I was being highly unreasonable to stop him. Please confirm to me that him socialising with her in any capacity is totally inappropriate? I’ve been gaslit for so long now that I can’t always work out what is acceptable or not anymore (and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave)

OP posts:
Tinkerbyebye · 14/04/2023 12:25

Be careful re the inheritance, try and protect it as he could come after it when you divorce.

TempNCforthis · 14/04/2023 12:27

Leave him before you get the inheritance! He will do whatever it takes to get hold of that.

PennyForearm · 14/04/2023 12:28

You need to leave him and initiate divorce before you get the inheritance.

Get some legal advice on that asap.

Isthisexpected · 14/04/2023 12:29

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Could you divorce before your inheritance comes?

Isthisexpected · 14/04/2023 12:30

I agree he'll actually be nicer to you if his affair is ongoing whilst you divorce.

potatowhale · 14/04/2023 12:33

PennyForearm · 14/04/2023 12:28

You need to leave him and initiate divorce before you get the inheritance.

Get some legal advice on that asap.

Yes this

ifthe · 14/04/2023 12:34

Please be careful around finances, particularly if you are married and expecting a large amount of cash in the next few months. The cash might enable you to leave, but seek legal advice now to make sure he has absolutely no claim on it. You might be better off leaving now and having it tough moneywise for a few months.

DPotter · 14/04/2023 13:16

Leave / kick him out now if you're expecting a life changing inheritance.

In fact - could this have factored in to his wanting the marriage to continue ?

Ansjovis · 14/04/2023 13:23

Yeah, he thinks you have DOORMAT tattooed on your forehead. Prove him wrong.

maddening · 14/04/2023 13:24

I would submit divorce papers now before the inheritance.

Serenity45 · 14/04/2023 13:26

I'm not sure where you live OP but do get some legal advice about the position of your inheritance / any asset you might buy with it in regards to any divorce proceedings.

Oh and no YANBU he's a prick

eatdrinkandbemerry · 14/04/2023 14:08

He sounds like a knob get rid

Starwarslover · 14/04/2023 14:11

He is twat to even ask. YANBU and he is majorly gaslighting you into thinking this could even remotely be ok. Am glad you’re getting your ducks in a row to leave.

TennisWithDeborah · 14/04/2023 14:20

Yes! Talk to a solicitor about the timing of the divorce OP.

And keep him sweet - let him walk the dog with the woman. It will grate on your nerves, but it may be to your advantage when negotiations begin.

BringItOnxxx · 14/04/2023 14:22

Get a separation date before inheritance received. That is vital.

Original poster
Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 14:22

Thanks everyone. I have already spoken with a solicitor in secret regarding the inheritance. so do you think I should pretend like I’m fine with him being friendly with her and walking the dog etc, and then tell him I’m leaving in the summer? I’m sure he’ll be ecstatically happy until then thinking I’m ok with the friendship now and he gets to have his cake and eat it

OP posts:
MissMogwai · 14/04/2023 14:24

He's one hard-faced fucker to even ask this and then to be defensive when you quite rightly have a problem with it!!

Honestly if you're planning to leave anyway then just leave him to it and see a solicitor. Start planning your new life away from this waste of space.

Boogismyname · 14/04/2023 14:24

The brass neck on him. LTB!!

Original poster
Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 14:24

Should add that the inheritance is going to my dad first and I’ve told him to hold onto it in his bank account until I’ve filed for divorce etc. I would move into a rental at that point for 6 months and then get a shared ownership mortgage

OP posts:
MissMogwai · 14/04/2023 14:25

Sorry x post, you've seen a solicitor. Good luck to you OP, you deserve so much better!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/04/2023 14:25

(he can’t leave his job at the moment for various reasons)

Well, I think we all know the main reason...

Have some self respect for God's sake. Get a divorce! You sound like a doormat.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 14/04/2023 14:26

Sorry, just saw update. Thank heavens for that!

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/04/2023 14:26

Whatever you Stbex suggests just reply "ok dear, whatever you want" smile and move on.

It will drive him mad. (He probably wants to make you jealous and "fight" for him....dont)

Then just crack on with your ducks and then slap him with a divorce order.

LIZS · 14/04/2023 14:27

OrigamiOwls · 14/04/2023 11:42

If he was genuinely remorseful then they is no way he'd still want to hang out with the other women.

This

Anothnamechang · 14/04/2023 14:36

Please get in touch with a solicitor re the inheritance etc as it could look like deprivation if you get your dad to hold onto it until after your divorce.

Do not allow this man to walk all over you, he seems a right pig!

Ps. I worked with a man that done this several times and for what it’s worth, we all found him absolutely repulsive alongside his bit on the side. Not one of us respected him or his opinion, knowing that he had a wife and kids and home but was sowing his seed anywhere he could 🤢🤢