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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband friends with ex mistress

123 replies

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 11:38

Long story short my husband had a full blown affair lasting over a year with a work colleague. When I found out he begged me to stay and told me she was always just a friend and the sexual side of things should never have happened 🙄. I stayed as he seemed so remorseful and desperate to fix things with me. They still work together (he can’t leave his job at the moment for various reasons) and he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.
when I got angry saying it would not be happening he got very defensive and made out I was being highly unreasonable to stop him. Please confirm to me that him socialising with her in any capacity is totally inappropriate? I’ve been gaslit for so long now that I can’t always work out what is acceptable or not anymore (and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave)

OP posts:

flipflop00 · 15/04/2023 07:27

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/04/2023 14:26

Whatever you Stbex suggests just reply "ok dear, whatever you want" smile and move on.

It will drive him mad. (He probably wants to make you jealous and "fight" for him....dont)

Then just crack on with your ducks and then slap him with a divorce order.

This is perfect! It'll drive him mad 🤣

SecretSwirrel · 15/04/2023 07:34

This reply has been deleted

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

OP I’m so sorry but it does sound like he’s hanging on because he knows you have inheritance coming. Never underestimate how manipulative a cheating man can be, he has already been unfaithful. My bet is he’s hanging on for the money.

Phoebo · 15/04/2023 07:38

Wow. I'd have made him find another job too. You have an incredible capacity for forgiveness and understanding OP! My hats off to you, but I'd kick his ass to the curb, disrespectful, inconsiderate selfish prick.

CantWait01 · 15/04/2023 07:40

Does he know about the inheritance? I would divorce him asap if you can.

Whataretheodds · 15/04/2023 07:42

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 14:22

Thanks everyone. I have already spoken with a solicitor in secret regarding the inheritance. so do you think I should pretend like I’m fine with him being friendly with her and walking the dog etc, and then tell him I’m leaving in the summer? I’m sure he’ll be ecstatically happy until then thinking I’m ok with the friendship now and he gets to have his cake and eat it

NO! You need to tell him to leave now, make sure it is absolutely clear that the marriage is over before the inheritance comes anywhere near you.

Stravaig · 15/04/2023 07:42

SecretSwirrel · 15/04/2023 07:34

Show quote history

This is my worry too OP, that he keeps you entangled in enough drama that you lose focus on divorcing quickly, and he ends up with half your inheritance.

Whataretheodds · 15/04/2023 07:45

Or your Dad!

DotAndCarryOne2 · 15/04/2023 07:48

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 12:23

I’m 100% leaving as I don’t want to go through the rest of my 30s feeling so anxious and miserable because of his behaviour. I have inheritance coming in 3 months so I’m just biding my time and I have filled in two applications for shared ownership mortgages (not ideal but I can’t afford a mortgage on my own but could do it this way). I guess I just wanted clarification that I wasn’t being mean by stopping them being friends when they apparently have such a great connection and it’s 100% platonic now 😐. He got really annoyed with me yesterday saying it was a year ago and I need to get over it and he will be friends with who he wants.

Get legal advice pronto. Your inheritance could be viewed as marital assets and you need to know what the implications are. And I agree, it’s time to leave. He’s got no respect for you, and a very strange idea of what ‘making it work’ involves.

Suzi888 · 15/04/2023 07:49

I’m sure future assets can be taken in to account? I don’t know…

Divorce now. Not usually a quick process.

millypeggyandpandora · 15/04/2023 07:49

I agree with everybody who is telling you to start divorce before you get the inheritance. He definitely has he eye on that money, and believes your too naive and foolish to realise it.

redbigbananafeet · 15/04/2023 07:49

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 14:24

Should add that the inheritance is going to my dad first and I’ve told him to hold onto it in his bank account until I’ve filed for divorce etc. I would move into a rental at that point for 6 months and then get a shared ownership mortgage

No one of this prevents you from leaving him right now?

mischlerischler · 15/04/2023 07:50

Get divorced asap! Does he know about your inheritance?

daisychain01 · 15/04/2023 07:51

and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave)

you have your answer right there.

don't invest any further energy or thought into whether it's acceptable or not, how can it be acceptable for him to continue socialising with someone he had an affair with - focus on moving forward with your plan to leave. Good luck.

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 07:53

This is all a ploy to get back with her and have your approval to do so. Sorry to be harsh but your relationship is over.

NeedToChangeName · 15/04/2023 07:57

You can't tell him who he can be friends with

And he can socialise how / where he wants

But, YOU are in control here, as you can decide whether you wish to continue a relationship with a man who wants to continue an affair right under your nose

Agree with PP, I would be anxious to protect the inheritance. I'm not sure that Dad keeping it in his bank account is sufficient protection. And what if your dad dies unexpectedly and the inheritance is classed as part of your Dad's estate? I think you need proper advice on this. Does DH know about the inheritance?

Notonthestairs · 15/04/2023 08:02

Your inheritance is likely to be considered a marital asset. You are trying to hide it.
Get some legal advice.

Lwrenagain · 15/04/2023 08:03

I've been mocked on here a few times for being the "cool wife" and I was thinking that maybe it was an ex from a really long time ago and maybe it was platonic.
But that is absolutely not the case and he's got some fucking audacity, hasn't he?
I've stayed friends, as Mr Lwren has with exes, very good friends and so I get how it can be platonic or in some cases, should never have been not platonic.
But this is a level of pure cuntery from your husband.
Nope, nah, not on your arse pal, you don't ask to rekindle a friendship with someone you've cheated on your DW with, what a fucking prick.
Divorce him, Bury him under the patio and live comfortably from his life insurance, whatever you choose, but do not give this bastard anything. Ever again.

Ponoka7 · 15/04/2023 08:03

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/04/2023 14:26

Whatever you Stbex suggests just reply "ok dear, whatever you want" smile and move on.

It will drive him mad. (He probably wants to make you jealous and "fight" for him....dont)

Then just crack on with your ducks and then slap him with a divorce order.

No it won't drive him mad. It'll allow the affair to continue and he'll get to walk away without blame, because the OP gave her blessing.
I also think that he's hanging on for the inheritance. He's probably got plans to leave the marriage, but is getting his ducks in a row and maximising what he'll have to take to his new household set up.

IneedanewTV · 15/04/2023 08:04

So he wants to go for walks with a woman he had sex with? Absolutely no chance. The lust for sex doesn’t just disappear because the affair finished - we think.

your inheritance needs to stay with your dad. You start divorce proceedings immediately - why wait until the summer - your H has emotionally checked out ages ago? You are young - move on and leave the deceitful sod asap!!

QueSyrahSyrah · 15/04/2023 08:07

For me, leaving his job would have been a condition of me giving him a chance in the first place.

If he wanted to be friends with her he'd be very welcome to - after he'd moved out and I'd started divorce proceedings.

Stick to your guns OP x

Original poster

Pineappletart7 · 15/04/2023 08:08

He doesn’t have a clue about the inheritance as I’ve get it completely from him (he obviously knows my grandad died but he has no idea that he had some secret savings which were left for me in his will). I will speak to solicitor next week to clarify a few things

OP posts:

MaryMagda · 15/04/2023 08:09

Absolutely unacceptable, but I agree with others, get yourself organised to leave and protect your inheritance. Get legal advice.

As an aside, is OW married? If so make sure to throw a grenade in there before you leave. Just for fun.

Tanktanktank · 15/04/2023 08:10

good For you OP, getting your ducks in a row. Is he likely to go away for a few days later on? I’d be packed up and left for when he got back.

niugboo · 15/04/2023 08:11

If the will specified you it doesn’t matter if you give it to your dad. That would be seen as concealing assets in the context of divorce settlement.

you need to file BEFORE the will is read. A decent solicitor would have told you this.

Original poster

Pineappletart7 · 15/04/2023 08:11

She left her partner to be with my husband last year. Husband has told me he realised that he just saw her as a friend and wanted to be with me so he told her it has to stay platonic. She is apparently fine with that even though I know she was/is madly in love with him 🙄😑

OP posts:

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