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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband friends with ex mistress

123 replies

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 11:38

Long story short my husband had a full blown affair lasting over a year with a work colleague. When I found out he begged me to stay and told me she was always just a friend and the sexual side of things should never have happened 🙄. I stayed as he seemed so remorseful and desperate to fix things with me. They still work together (he can’t leave his job at the moment for various reasons) and he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.
when I got angry saying it would not be happening he got very defensive and made out I was being highly unreasonable to stop him. Please confirm to me that him socialising with her in any capacity is totally inappropriate? I’ve been gaslit for so long now that I can’t always work out what is acceptable or not anymore (and yes I plan on divorcing him in a few months as soon as I have everything prepared to leave)

OP posts:
justanotherdrama · 14/04/2023 18:05

Sunnydays0101 · 14/04/2023 11:39

I think you need to seriously consider leaving your husband. He sounds as if he has no respect for you at all.

I agree
I don't know why you would have thought it was a good idea to stay with him after an affair anyway that's a crazy idea

LadyH846 · 14/04/2023 18:10

He is 100% taking the piss.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 18:12

he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.

Is he having a fucking laugh? This is unbelievable. He does not deserve your forgiveness.

HappiestPenguin · 14/04/2023 18:13

can you move in with your dad?

thebaneofmylifeisacat · 15/04/2023 00:56

It's totally unacceptable

He's still having sex with her or in an EA

You deserve better op

Kick him out

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 15/04/2023 00:58

Don’t play pretend and don’t let him gaslight you either. He’s completely ignoring what he’s put you through and your wishes.

dont tolerate him being such a prick. However, keep your plans secret whilst you get your ducks in a row. He’s a total piece of shit and you deserve so much better 💐

Mill1119 · 15/04/2023 01:15

Good for you for leaving him! He sounds like an a hole! The absolute nerve of him! Run like the wind and don't look back, start your future around positive people who have respect for you! Good luck!

CheekyHobson · 15/04/2023 02:29

he has told me he really misses her friendship and wants to occasionally hang out with her such as taking our dog for a walk for an hour one evening per week.

Missing the point but I would struggle to find time to even see my best friends once every week, so defining this as an “occasional” catch-up is beyond taking the piss!

Trez1510 · 15/04/2023 03:28

I get why people are suggesting remaining to get your ducks in a row, but what about intimacy? Presumably he'll still be expecting to sleep with? Could you fake that until ducks are in a row? Is that sustainable for months on end?

If it were me, I'd agree he deserves to retain her 'friendship', you know he loves you, you know you can trust him, yada yada yada .....

Meanwhile, I'd be looking for anywhere else to stay for a few months. Then I'd use his hour long walk with his dog/ex to pack and move out.

Let him come home to an empty house. Don't contact him to say where you are.

Basically, afford him the same level of respect he is showing you.

PS I'd also deliberately make sure there was no toilet paper/wipes, fresh milk, his favourite beer/whisky etc. just to totally fuck him off.

Purplewind · 15/04/2023 03:48

PennyForearm · 14/04/2023 12:28

You need to leave him and initiate divorce before you get the inheritance.

Get some legal advice on that asap.

This is good advice.

You deserve so much more x

TiedUpWithABlackVelvetBand · 15/04/2023 03:55

Pineappletart7 · 14/04/2023 14:24

Should add that the inheritance is going to my dad first and I’ve told him to hold onto it in his bank account until I’ve filed for divorce etc. I would move into a rental at that point for 6 months and then get a shared ownership mortgage

Good. It sounds like you have your head screwed on.

Honestly, I’d take the wind out of his sails and tell him to crack on. As you say, what difference does it make now - you’re leaving and he’ll pursue her then anyway.

He thinks you’re desperate for him - show him you’re not. The opposite of of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference.

Blueblell · 15/04/2023 04:27

As others have said Divorce before you or your dad get the inheritance. You are in your 30s so still young!

MrsRickAstley · 15/04/2023 04:38

What an absolute bell end.

You forgive him & this is how he thanks you???

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Let's see how reasonable he thinks divorce papers are ?!

PopsicleHustler · 15/04/2023 04:55

He is so gross and I read about this before. The husband telling his wife he MISSES his OW.

What a bloody slap in the face!!!??!?!!!

You are better off on your own! Leave him.

Blossomed · 15/04/2023 05:32

So sorry you are going through this OP. I agree about getting legal advice asap. A family member was in a similar position re separation and inheritance. The partner they were divorcing went after the money and it caused all sorts of problems and years to resolve. Legal support at this point will be money well spent. Really hope it all works out for you. Good luck x

doozledog · 15/04/2023 05:41

I bet the affair never even ended, what a cunt.

Stravaig · 15/04/2023 06:03

If they were friends as well colleagues first then it makes sense that they would go back to being friends. That the honest reality of who they are.

Whether that works for your relationshp or not is something else entirely - and it's irrelevant given that you're planning on serving him with divorce papers in a few months. None of your business anymore. Demanding he give up his friendship or change jobs is bizarre in this context and seems more about a (very understandable) desire for vengeance than moving on with your life.

barmycatmum · 15/04/2023 06:08

“An hour one evening per week”

the unmitigated gall of him, to think he can plan his affair and get your agreement. Oh hell, no.

glad you are setting things in motion to lose this person who didn’t wind up being worthy of being your husband.

He doesn’t deserve you.

DeflatedAgain · 15/04/2023 06:32

Tell him he can see her whenever he wants now as your relationship is over. Send him packing OP!!

Summerfun54321 · 15/04/2023 06:54

You're in your 30s, don't waste a single minute more with this man. Another mortgage doesn't matter right now, you may end up meeting someone else who owns their own home anyway. Just protect what money you have and get out of there ASAP.

KenAdams · 15/04/2023 07:12

Stravaig · 15/04/2023 06:03

If they were friends as well colleagues first then it makes sense that they would go back to being friends. That the honest reality of who they are.

Whether that works for your relationshp or not is something else entirely - and it's irrelevant given that you're planning on serving him with divorce papers in a few months. None of your business anymore. Demanding he give up his friendship or change jobs is bizarre in this context and seems more about a (very understandable) desire for vengeance than moving on with your life.

No it doesn't, don't try and gaslight her even more.

Inthebathagain · 15/04/2023 07:13

What is it about men? Are there any good ones out there?

Sounds like you've got your head screwed on @Pineappletart7 Give him over to her. Rise above. Cry in private. And move on with your life into a better chapter.

Fewfucksgiven · 15/04/2023 07:22

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

SecretSwirrel · 15/04/2023 07:27

Absolutely not. What arsehole. How utterly utterly hurtful. Why are you still with him?

AliceMay55 · 15/04/2023 07:27

If he is missing her, he has fallen deeply for her. That’s the kind of longing you’d have for your life partner.
IMO, There is something from her side stopping them from getting together as a couple. Your man would have left you to be with her otherwise.

if he is longing for her company, the affair is far from over. Sorry OP, you deserve MUCH better