AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Oddly enough something like this happened to my friend near the end of last 2022 except birth mum had already died two years previous. Dad died in an accident. The children have stayed with step mum. The difference is that she fought to keep them. She wanted step kids and her kids to be brought up together. The extended family supported her decision and have very regular contact and treat her children as theirs as well. Everybody has to be on board with the plan.
if you don’t want them I guess it’s better being honest now and examining your feelings why just in case the scenario ever happens.

Shouldn't this be a discussion between him and his ex. I think she might have very different ideas on who kids should go to, therefore rendering this conversation redundant.

I think id be the exact same in his situation. Kind of blows my mind that they live with you half the time and if they somehow lost both parents you'd also disrupt their lives further by taking away the half the time they live with their siblings. Its all about what YOU want and not what's best for your children or his so its really selfish. Id actually consider ending the relationship with you to be honest.

I thought of that too @HarlanPepper but it's the reverse of this isn't it?

I wonder how many people would have expected Michael Hutchence to take on the existing children of PY and BG if they had both died, so that the half siblings could all stay together?

YANBU, OP, but you might find life easier if you learned to be a bit more tactful! I hope I would have had the nous to say that it would all depend on the age of the step kids when they were orphaned and what they wanted, and of course there would also be his side of the family whose feelings would need to be taken into account, and then refuse to discuss it further because the thought of losing him is not something I want to think about.

Later on I'd ask him to make sure he had a lot of life insurance so that if this scenario did happen, and you did become the grieving mother of four children all hoping to go to university, at least you wouldn't have to worry about money. And that obviously parenting four children would really hold your career back and would hit your pension. Point out that unless you remarry you'd remain the single parent of four children till you die. That might encourage him to think about what he is asking of you.

Your DP is being a typical man. He, like most men, assumes that some woman, somewhere, will step in and make everything all right in his absence — and that they'll do it willingly and without fuss. They never expect their brothers or fathers to take it on, always their wives and mums and sisters.

My sympathy is with step parents. You only have to read a few threads here on MN to realise the extraordinary lengths that stepmothers are expected to go to and that some stepchildren are very difficult to be around. Not blaming the children, but there has to be a limit to what anyone is expected to do/ provide.

He sees you as an extension of him. He hasn't considered you as a whole person in your own right, nor the DC and ex frankly.

Tell him you're glad he brought it up as it's important and you can plan for your joint DCs now.

Also, you're sad he's sad, but he needs to have a chat with his ex and her parents before assuming anything like that.

The actual practicalities of logistics in the event of the death of both parents, the wills, life assurance etc are smoke and mirrors here. I don't imagine for a moment he thinks this vanishingly unlikely scenario will ever become a reality and is upset because he's suddenly panicking about his children's future.
Rather, he has discovered that his wife has an entirely different perception of his children than he thought she did.
The question isn't whether he's reasonable to expect her to take them on, but whether he's reasonable to be upset that she wouldn't want to, when he clearly believed she would.
A lack of shared understanding of this magnitude, involving something so emotive as your children takes some processing. I'm not surprised he has nothing to say at the moment.

I think that you need to read Tiger's book to see how badly it turned out and how Geldof deliberately didn't allow her contact with her paternal family. She left the UK and went to live in Australia as soon as she could.

Gosh, I can totally see why he’s upset!

Is it the same as saying if you and your DH died, your own DC should go to his ex-wife?

That's bonkers isn't it? She's not related to them.

I see your point entirely, OP. If there were no other loving family, then I'm sure you'd had a different view, but as there is, surely they are a better option?

So you’d be a widowed single mum trying to navigate your life on your own with your children, and you’d be an expected to add the dsc to your mental/physical load too?

So just say you have 2 of your own who are little, and you’re able to just about manage with those children. Life would be manageable and you’re able ti give your children the stable home they need and deserve. Adding two older children makes 4 children and it’s a lot of children on your own, especially when 2 of them aren’t yours. Two older ones changes the dynamics of your life tremendously.

I think the dsc should live with their other family members and the siblings keep in touch. It takes the pressure away from you to run a household for all of them, and it means they still see each other.

He needs to be realistic and not simplify this. It’s a MASSIVE deal. He would be actually dead and you would be expected to bring his children up alone. But hey no big deal. 🙄

Since it was a lighthearted moment I don't think he was really looking for a serious discussion, be just wanted you to say yes. He loves them, and even if you don't really look after them, like most parents he likes to think you love them really. Your quick denial has shattered his illusions.
I think you're in a no win situation really, even if you did love them like your own if you split up you'd probably never see them again, and if their parents died their family would want them. I'd leave your DH alone until he's ready to talk

But why? What does the mother want?

this should all be agreed between the parents.

if my sister and brother in law for I g at my nephews. If they separated and my brother in law remarried I would fight to the death so that his new wife didn’t get custody of the children in the unlikely event both biological parents die.

as a PP has said is does depend on family dynamics and relationships - but step parents aren’t always the default custodian. Family should surely be considered first?

This thread is bonkers.

As if any man would be expected to take on the full-time care of two totally unrelated children if their parents died 🙄

This!!!!!

They're not totally unrelated. They're the half siblings of their child.

I think like many SP you are on a losing wicket whatever you do! It should not be assumed by him that you literally double your child responsibilities here . Its often assumed that second wives look after DSC but not second husbands! I would just say " Look Mike ,I understand youre hurt ,but I have enough to do now! without 2 more DC should the worse happen!" Lets hope we are all around for a good while yet eh? Try not to dwell on it

As a step mum I can't imagine not taking on my DH children if this scenario happened. I signed up for this when I married him. I made a commitment to him and his children. I spend just as much alone time with them, if not more due to my working pattern, than both their DM and DH.

However I understand that not everyone has that kind of relationship.

I don't think either of you ABU. You just differ in your stance.

I can’t. Really.

But do they not have aunts and uncles and grandparents?

what do the parents wills say?

As the aunt I would be heart broken if a new partner got custody of my nephews.

@SleepingStandingUp but they're not related to OP in any way.

She shouldn't be expected to take on full time care for them - she's not their parent!

Me neither. Just another parent with their head in the clouds who thinks it’s all very simple. “If you love me you’ll take my kids if I die.” No thought for how that will actually pan out. Just love conquers all. 🙄

I haven’t read most the replies, but I don’t think yabu. I have a son from a previous partner and wouldn’t expect my dh to take on my son too. He has known him for 13 years, but the relationship has never been a father-son type. My ds would be happier with grandparents. I also wouldn’t ask my sons step mum to take on responsibility for him.

Because it's not about the hypothetical situation at all, it's about the Stepmum of two kids who live with her 50% of the time saying I don't see them as family, and they would be straight out the door if you died.

Yes, imagine the horror. How could he be expected to hold down a job and look after four grieving children — and two of them children of another man? Send for a woman and get her to do it.