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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

1000 replies

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:50

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

OP posts:
summersky42 · 15/04/2023 22:00

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 21:56

I don’t mean you alone. I’m also referring to the ones who only comment to say ‘you sound cold’, or ‘you’re not a good person’, as if that’s something OP should be upset by.

Show quote history

OP asked for opinions, and opinions are what she got. Who cares what she does with them!

DrMarciaFieldstone · 15/04/2023 22:01

Really if you want to get technical, you care more about YOUR children over his.

Is this supposed to be controversial? Of course people care more about their own children.

Ariela · 15/04/2023 22:08

I think YABU in that they currently spend 50% of time with you anyway, so to change that would be a bit off.

However I think YANBU to say that grandparents likely would want them the other 50% of the time.

Macinae · 15/04/2023 22:18

I would have asked what does he see happening in that instance- grandparents, you, someone else? What does he think his children would want?

I do think you were quite harsh, when you marry someone with children there is an added responsibility and surely splitting up with DH is entirely different to both DSC parents dying.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 22:20

*I'm not really bothered about the semantics. Of course they are their own people. They also share a huge amount in common with you, both genetically and because you've brought them up.

And exactly the same is true of your husband and his son. And your children and their sibling. Genetics and shared history.

I don't really care about the phrase 'part of'. It doesn't matter. Call it whatever you want. The relationship is real.

To deny it by claiming that it's exactly the same as refusing to adopt a random child with no connection to you or anyone you know is just nonsense.*

You're conflating two completely separate arguments I've made. The reason I mentioned the "part of you" thing was in response to the several posters who said something along the lines of "if you reject the children you are rejecting the father because they are a part of him". That's simply not true. You'd be rejecting someone very important to him, and that might well be a deal breaker for him, but you would not be rejecting him because they are different people. It's a silly argument.

mainsfed · 15/04/2023 22:22

I think people should give OP the credit for being the one in this situation. She’s the one who knows her step-children, their relationship with her, their relationship with their half-siblings and their relationship with their grandparents and wider family.

She is best placed to know that in her particular situation, it’s not in the best interests for her blended family for her to become the full time carer to her step-kids. We need to be led by OP here, like her DH.

Dibbydoos · 15/04/2023 22:24

If the boot was on the other foot, would he look after your child in addition to your joint children? The answer is Yes. That's why he's offended and upset by your answer.

I get that you're being honest, hypothetically, but if the chips were down, why wouldn't you want your children to live with their siblings?

No one said it would be easy, but your own kids might need their siblings if their dad died.

You are a blended family, you married into it and like it or not, you are a maternal figure in your SCs lives. So, I think you're being unreasonable.

When my DH died, his kids became orphans. They lost their mum at 22 and 17 yo and lost their dad when they were 28 and 23yo, but that's still young to lose both parents. I didn't meet them until they were adults, so they didn't need to live with us, but if they did now, I'd have no qualms over it.
They introduce me as their step mum. I love them. I'm very proud of them. They are good people.

EarthFireAirWater · 15/04/2023 22:27

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 21:48

Ah, but who cares about the children, as long as the step-parent can be labelled a shitty person with no morals? Wink

Show quote history

What MN has taught me so far: Step-parents! You are damned if you do and damned if you don't!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:27

I honestly can’t believe so many people have said YABU.

Of course you don’t take the kids on!!

I hate that people have this romantic idea of what caring for a bereaved child must be like. I blame Hollywood. It isn’t awkward for a day then a session of baking or roller skating irons out all the problems. OP doesn’t need the stress and hassle of 2 traumatised children that aren’t hers if she’s lost her OH.

It’s a shame your DH just sees you as someone useful to provide childcare really.

mainsfed · 15/04/2023 22:30

@Dibbydoos

If the boot was on the other foot, would he look after your child in addition to your joint children? The answer is Yes. That's why he's offended and upset by your answer.

Nice that you’re so confident the answer is yes. I don’t think he would look after OP’s hypothetical children from a previous relationship.

YouSeenMyMarbles · 15/04/2023 22:31

Your husband is upset because he has just realised that you are putting your needs before your children's - you may not be the natural mother, but when you married him you married his children too.

Even though the conversation was hyperthetical, your husband learned from that that your connection with his child is not protective - Id be pretty miffed with that too. He probably thinks your response was cold.

EarthFireAirWater · 15/04/2023 22:32

HeckyPeck · 15/04/2023 21:51

Same for me too and my step parents are both lovely too.

I imagine if there was a poll of step children, the vast majority would prefer to live with grandparents/aunts and uncles than a step parent.

Show quote history

I might start a thread on AIBU one day to see what the outcome is!

HeckyPeck · 15/04/2023 22:34

Your husband is upset because he has just realised that you are putting your needs before your children's - you may not be the natural mother, but when you married him you married his children too

What an unusual point of view. When my stepdad married my mum, none of us thought that he married me too!

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:34

So I grew up in a blended family - quite unusual in the 80’s. Whereby my step siblings lived with us FT.

My mum would bollock them just as much as she bollocked us. We were treated exactly the same but I think it was fairly obvious that
Me and my bio siblings were more important to my mum, and my step siblings were more important to my stepdad. This was normal, and expected and no one is traumatised over it.

However according to MN step parenting should go like this:

  • NEVER tell the SC off. Even if they call you a cunt and burn you with a fag, smile sweetly and leave it to your DH to sort when he gets home.
  • Always provide childcare. Even if you’ve planned a day out with your own DC at considerable expense, if the ex needs to go get her hair done then you MUST cancel all plans and watch the SC. Or better yet, fob your kids off and take SC on this day out instead.
  • Spend the same money on them as you would your own DC. Probably more.
  • If you ever wander more than 25m past your front door, this is a trip and you must take your SC with you. Even if you can’t afford it, and they’re getting 2,307 trips that year with their bio mum, they must be invited everywhere
  • Even though they will have grandparents of their own, INSIST your own parents treat them as bio grandchildren. Probably better. And if they don’t, go NC.
  • Treat them better than your own DC. But NEVER tell them off, in any way
  • You’re not their mum - but also you knew what you were getting into.
Floofydawg · 15/04/2023 22:36

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:34

So I grew up in a blended family - quite unusual in the 80’s. Whereby my step siblings lived with us FT.

My mum would bollock them just as much as she bollocked us. We were treated exactly the same but I think it was fairly obvious that
Me and my bio siblings were more important to my mum, and my step siblings were more important to my stepdad. This was normal, and expected and no one is traumatised over it.

However according to MN step parenting should go like this:

  • NEVER tell the SC off. Even if they call you a cunt and burn you with a fag, smile sweetly and leave it to your DH to sort when he gets home.
  • Always provide childcare. Even if you’ve planned a day out with your own DC at considerable expense, if the ex needs to go get her hair done then you MUST cancel all plans and watch the SC. Or better yet, fob your kids off and take SC on this day out instead.
  • Spend the same money on them as you would your own DC. Probably more.
  • If you ever wander more than 25m past your front door, this is a trip and you must take your SC with you. Even if you can’t afford it, and they’re getting 2,307 trips that year with their bio mum, they must be invited everywhere
  • Even though they will have grandparents of their own, INSIST your own parents treat them as bio grandchildren. Probably better. And if they don’t, go NC.
  • Treat them better than your own DC. But NEVER tell them off, in any way
  • You’re not their mum - but also you knew what you were getting into.

😂😂

Richierich77 · 15/04/2023 22:36

I wouldn’t want my DD to live with her SM if this scenario happened to my me & ex, I‘d want her with my sis & her kids

HeckyPeck · 15/04/2023 22:36

EarthFireAirWater · 15/04/2023 22:32

I might start a thread on AIBU one day to see what the outcome is!

Show quote history

😂 I wonder if we'll all get told we should choose our step parents because when they married our parents "they married us too"

DrMarciaFieldstone · 15/04/2023 22:39

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:34

So I grew up in a blended family - quite unusual in the 80’s. Whereby my step siblings lived with us FT.

My mum would bollock them just as much as she bollocked us. We were treated exactly the same but I think it was fairly obvious that
Me and my bio siblings were more important to my mum, and my step siblings were more important to my stepdad. This was normal, and expected and no one is traumatised over it.

However according to MN step parenting should go like this:

  • NEVER tell the SC off. Even if they call you a cunt and burn you with a fag, smile sweetly and leave it to your DH to sort when he gets home.
  • Always provide childcare. Even if you’ve planned a day out with your own DC at considerable expense, if the ex needs to go get her hair done then you MUST cancel all plans and watch the SC. Or better yet, fob your kids off and take SC on this day out instead.
  • Spend the same money on them as you would your own DC. Probably more.
  • If you ever wander more than 25m past your front door, this is a trip and you must take your SC with you. Even if you can’t afford it, and they’re getting 2,307 trips that year with their bio mum, they must be invited everywhere
  • Even though they will have grandparents of their own, INSIST your own parents treat them as bio grandchildren. Probably better. And if they don’t, go NC.
  • Treat them better than your own DC. But NEVER tell them off, in any way
  • You’re not their mum - but also you knew what you were getting into.

Absolutely accurate 🤣

Liz1tummypain · 15/04/2023 22:40

I guess this is why so many children are messed up. I hope the step children aren't aware of this kind of thing. They must feel inadequate a lot of the time when they get absorbed into new families.

HeckyPeck · 15/04/2023 22:41

Liz1tummypain · 15/04/2023 22:40

I guess this is why so many children are messed up. I hope the step children aren't aware of this kind of thing. They must feel inadequate a lot of the time when they get absorbed into new families.

All of the step children who posted on this thread have said they wouldn't want to live with their step parents and would prefer grandparents etc.

I doubt it would scar us for life to know that our step parents would think that's the best plan too.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:43

Liz1tummypain · 15/04/2023 22:40

I guess this is why so many children are messed up. I hope the step children aren't aware of this kind of thing. They must feel inadequate a lot of the time when they get absorbed into new families.

OR they probably have a normal stepfamily dynamic where they’d expect to be cared for by a close relative rather than someone they see EOW.

newnamethanks · 15/04/2023 22:43

You think he's being 'silly'? I think he is now having a much closer look at your relationship and finding it wanting. And if you don't understand why he might feel like that then words fail me.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:45

newnamethanks · 15/04/2023 22:43

You think he's being 'silly'? I think he is now having a much closer look at your relationship and finding it wanting. And if you don't understand why he might feel like that then words fail me.

FFS no one has a right to demand someone look after their children when they’re gone, except their other parent.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:47

YouSeenMyMarbles · 15/04/2023 22:31

Your husband is upset because he has just realised that you are putting your needs before your children's - you may not be the natural mother, but when you married him you married his children too.

Even though the conversation was hyperthetical, your husband learned from that that your connection with his child is not protective - Id be pretty miffed with that too. He probably thinks your response was cold.

Absolutely nothing wrong with women putting their needs before their SCs. And no you don’t marry the children.

I wish more stepmums would put their needs first. I get so sad reading threads by exhausted stepmums with piss taking husbands and ungrateful SC. They’re every day on MN

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 22:51

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 15/04/2023 22:34

So I grew up in a blended family - quite unusual in the 80’s. Whereby my step siblings lived with us FT.

My mum would bollock them just as much as she bollocked us. We were treated exactly the same but I think it was fairly obvious that
Me and my bio siblings were more important to my mum, and my step siblings were more important to my stepdad. This was normal, and expected and no one is traumatised over it.

However according to MN step parenting should go like this:

  • NEVER tell the SC off. Even if they call you a cunt and burn you with a fag, smile sweetly and leave it to your DH to sort when he gets home.
  • Always provide childcare. Even if you’ve planned a day out with your own DC at considerable expense, if the ex needs to go get her hair done then you MUST cancel all plans and watch the SC. Or better yet, fob your kids off and take SC on this day out instead.
  • Spend the same money on them as you would your own DC. Probably more.
  • If you ever wander more than 25m past your front door, this is a trip and you must take your SC with you. Even if you can’t afford it, and they’re getting 2,307 trips that year with their bio mum, they must be invited everywhere
  • Even though they will have grandparents of their own, INSIST your own parents treat them as bio grandchildren. Probably better. And if they don’t, go NC.
  • Treat them better than your own DC. But NEVER tell them off, in any way
  • You’re not their mum - but also you knew what you were getting into.

😂😂

Ain't that the truth 🙈

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