AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

We are the stepchildren, we can do whatever we like including burning down our step-parent's house because they knew what they were getting into the moment they married into the family

In answer to your question yes I would be upset if the person I married and had children with could so easily wash their hands of my other children, the half siblings of our children. Clearly you both have very different expectations and it’s unfortunate that it hasn’t been discussed before! As for your husband he really needs to sort this out. Has anyone actually asked the grandparents or aunt if they’re willing to do this, they have no obligation to do it the same as you. And he needs to write his will so that the children are provided for

Eeek got shades of Damian there from your post

Who incidentally was also living with adoptive parents.

I thought this is something you'd have discussed before getting married.

DH and I did a pre-nup (not legally binding in UK but is generally adhered to by judges if considered fair). We were expecting it to just address pre-martial assets but it went into every single practical and financial circumstance you can imagine. What happens if you have children, one parent dies, the other remarries, has a kid with them, and then they die and so.

Some of it we had already discussed, some we hadn't and was good to go through before tying the knot

I would have assumed I would have my step kids unless there was clearly someone else like a maternal grandparent.

I’m sure you wouldn’t actually see your step kids with distant relations would you?! Sounds like it got very upsetting for everyone.. with the benefit hindsight (assuming you aren’t really saying in all circumstances they are someone else’s problem), then you might have said something more diplomatic like “I’m sure [mum] will have family she wants them to be with but of course Id always want to ensure very regular contact with their siblings so I suppose we would work out care between us”. Isn’t that what would happen?

Struggling to get my head around the idea you’d really let your step kids go to a great aunt or something!

😂 Why did nobody tell me. Brb, just off to rob my stepdad and kick his cat.

As a child of divorced parents, I didn’t have half siblings but do have step siblings. If both my parents had died, I would by far have preferred to stay in my own village with my step mother and step siblings than be shipped off to live somewhere else with relatives who I saw for Sunday lunch once or twice a year. I also would have been really really upset to see my step siblings continue to live in the house that my dad bought, while I was sent away elsewhere. So yes, unless there is a very close local alternative relative I would expect the step mother to step (ha) up and take in her children’s half siblings in such a horrible circumstance.

The positive I'm taking from this is at least the conversations are happening now.
I feel sorry for the DSC to be honest, that OP wouldn't let them live with her after their father's hypothetical death even if they were already living there due to their mum's hypothetical death.

I don't expect that someone would love their DSC as strongly as their children, but I do think as a minimum they should love them and be willing to take them on if they are willing to create half siblings to those children.

I think your stance is wrong. You married someone with kids and as a result you have responsibilities even more so knowing in this albeit hypothetical situation it would break up the relationship with your own kids - their half siblings.
if I was your husband I’d start reevaluating the relationship personally. when you marry someone to a degree you also marry into their family and you take on some responsibilities as a result.

YANBU

This is a discussion your DH should be having with his ex in the first instance.

She may have very clear views on what she would want to happen in this situation.

Is she remarried? Does she have more children?

Regardless of what your husband thinks, his ex may not agree. The ex may hate you, and would never want you to bring up her children.

And as a previous poster said, if she is remarried, I'll bet her husband wouldn't just be expected to take the children. That's just an expectation put on women.

However, this situation would be very emotional. I can imagine grieving relatives having strong views on how the children should be raised and who should do it. Minefield.

It would upset me a lot if my spouse after my death didn’t want to keep all of our kids together, yes. I’m not with my kids dad anymore and his son (my SS) is grown up, but had this happened when his son was young I’d have absolutely offered to have him live with us. Even after we split up, I would have. He’s my kids brother.

I agree.

I find a lot of the responses to this thread utterly bizarre.

You only have to read through step parent threads where step parents are repeatedly told they have no right to get involved in their step children's lives. Not their place to discipline, no they shouldn't be at the school play etc etc.

And then this! One pp even said that they become your dependants the moment you marry their father. No they don't.

So the general consensus is, step mums have no rights/responsibilities to their step children whilst their parents are alive. But once they're dead they must take on those same children as their own! 🤯

You do realise your birth Children would be their closest living relatives. Of course he'd assume you'd want to keep them together if that's what they wanted. Separating siblings can be awfully traumatic. Of course you'd expect their mum's family to continue an active role in raising them too, but I find it pretty cold that you wouldn't want to keep the family together. It makes it seem as if you don't view them as family and that would be tough for him. If it were me it would be really problematic in fact.

Sorry that this doesn't help the OP's situation, but is it worth evaluating what the commitment of marriage means in modern society?

So now not having double the amount of dependants with half the support and finances is considered as washing your hands of someone?

Blimey I’m pleased I’m not related to some of you drama llama.

Ah good old MN where while actual women are erased from the narrative. the OP would be her children’s closest living relative if their dad dies. She’s not just the fucking nanny.

Their grandparents would be as close to them as their half-siblings in terms of DNA.

Hi. You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. He asked and you answered. He didn't like your answer but such is life. His previous kids are NOT your responsbility to raise, they are not your burden to carry. He is being unreasonable and extremely presumptuous.

bemorerip - BINGO! The audacity of it all, hilarious. The entire thread is too funny.

Next post - I told my stepkids to sit down and stop yelling so loud.
All responses - YOU ARE NOT THEIR MOTHER, shame on you, die!!!! EVIL Woman.

I was talking about the hypothetically bereaved step children. But don't let that get in the way of your moral outrage.

Perhaps so (my high school biology was some time ago) but they also spend 50% of their lives living with their half siblings. Not to mention sharing a parent, generational closeness and probably looking similar too.

So what if they are (they aren’t BTW) - the OP would suddenly be the main caregiver and have financial responsibility for double the children but with half the support. Why should she do that to herself? The kids don’t live with them full time so life would be no different for OP’s kids (bar losing a father).

People need to Stop bullshitting women that they need to put themselves second to everyone around them.

Actually, they share the same amount of DNA with their half-siblings as they do with their grandparents and aunts/uncles - 25%. So, no, the OP's children aren't their nearest or closest relatives. Also, their half-siblings aren't old enough to take on responsibility for them, so that's a moot point to make anyway.

He's being U.
You were honest so he needs to stop sulking.
Would he rather you lie about it?