AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

You sound like you need a day off. I'll tell you why I have feelings about this though. My (half)brother and I were denied the chance of a proper relationship due to some selfish parental decisions. Similar to the ones you advocate for here. It was emotionally damaging for both of us. The gender of the OP is entirely irrelevant. I'd advocate the same if they were male. Marriages are partnerships, parenting is selflessness. May I suggest this doesn't need to have a feminist angle applied to it.

Are you as close with your grandparents and aunts as you are your siblings though. Particularly ones you lived with. Your advocating denying siblings a full relationship and I'm sorry but there is a whole pile of research into what that's a terrible idea.

Would the kids even want to stay with you? They have to see you because you’re with their dad but realistically, you’re unlikely to be that important to them.

My friends ex has remarried. The kids go to see their dad, his new wife is perfectly nice but there’s no way they’d be interested in spending much time with her if their dad (and mum) died. They would tolerate having to see her to spend some time with their half sibling, but they haven’t got a deep bond with the woman dad happened to marry after splitting from their mum. The kids would go to their aunt who they have known since birth, not a random woman dad married when they were 7, 10 and 14.

my morals are done in. I trust few people

I lied. I trust nobody

So if your DH died and a year later his ExW died. He wants some children you have hardly anything to do with (because he’s been dead, so you won’t really see them), to come and live with you? I don’t think he has thought through the scenario properly. Might be different if their mum dies first and the children were living with you for a year and then he died. By this point the dynamics of the family are very different.

And if your DH and his ExW die together, then that’s very fishy.

YANBU.

But it might pay to lie to him. He won’t know, when he’s dead.

I don't think the DH's upset is anything to do with morals.

His upset is because he has had it made clear to him that he actually has to put some thought and effort into this.

He assumed @GroundFogDay would take on the parental role because it was convenient for him. It meant he wouldn't need to do any mental heavy lifting. OP would deal with everything.

OP has sensibly pointed out that his assumption is wrong. These are his DCs not hers. He is the one who has to work it out not her.

You can tell who all of the step parents who don't like their own DSC are here. Note to self- don't ever remarry unless you're certain your other half understands why it'd be important to you that your kids don't become 2nd class family members to your new kids.

A few people are changing the narrative of this as well but
Of course bio mum might not want her to have them, they might not want to be with her but that wasn't the question. I am sure the OP states that both her DH and his ex don't have much family so they'd likely end up with a distant relative not their grandparents. This likely wouldn't have been a hypothetical conversation if there would be anyone else to raise them but the idea the OP's home is 50% of the time theirs and their siblings live there.

Making it a "because she's a woman-you think she should have the kids" thing is seriously off, if you flip it around and it was a step father it'd be no different. The same people crying "equality" are suggesting the bio mum family would be preferred by her, like it should be left to her despite them equally sharing custody. The kids live with their mother 50% of the time so which home is theirs, neither?

People talking financially about the burden it'd be to this woman who knowingly married a man with kids who call her home, their home 50% of the time, if they own that house he may want to make sure he states his half is split between his 4 children also, I'd be horrified if my kids from a previous marriage were left with no financial support whilst my other kids had it all.

I'm slightly astounded that you've both got this far without having this conversation and getting it formalised in your wills - and that DH hasn't had the same with their mother who presumably also has thoughts/needs to check with relatives that they can take on the kids. And, if they are old enough, has anyone asked the children?

There's a line in Clueless "You divorce wives not children" which would seem to apply here - if you take on the parent you take on the kids and losing the parent does not cut your obligation to the latter.

It’s an important conversation to have tbh. In the v unlikely event!
I think he’s taken it very personally but taking on someone else’s children is a huge responsibility. Maybe in his eyes he would want his children to be in a familiar environment and with their other siblings (assuming you have children together).
And putting it into perspective if it actually happened, imagine how those kids would feel. They’d need to be somewhere they felt safe and supported. So maybe you could put it from an other angle to protect his feelings and say that if it were to happen, depending on the order they lost their parents. You may be grieving yourself and unable to take on such a huge responsibility suddenly. Although it does happen from time to time and people do take on such responsibilities.
That being said haha has he thought about what the mums wishes are (his ex) have they been discussing the will or has he even asked her what she would want?

So when you get divorced, your commitment to the person you actually made a commitment to ends, but your presumed obligation to somebody you never made a commitment to is permanent? Figures 😂

@CMupnorth My DSS is definitely as close to his grandmother as he is to his half siblings. And this stance still ignores the fact that the most important "closeness" test, is the adult who will be raising him. Siblings are not able to raise and support him through his parents death, the most important thing is that he has the best adult there to do that.

And neither OP or anyone else are advocating denying him a relationship with his siblings, everyone including OP has said they would happily maintain a relationship between the siblings.

Not adopting a child is not a "selfish parental decision", like the step parent is refusing to do something easy for the sake of the kids. It's about the biggest thing you could possibly ask of anyone. It's extremely manipulative to brush that off as "selfish". It's selfish in the same way not giving your entire life's savings to charity and living on the streets is selfish.

I am genuinely so shocked by this, that some people think it's ok.
These are his KIDS, and his own WIFE is saying she wouldn't take them in if he DIED and they were ORPHANED even though it is the only home they would know and they would be a total mess.
If the kids would choose to live with grandparents or an auntie or whatever that's fine, but it's not the point. OP has categorically said she wouldnt take them. I would question the whole relationship.

An so you’re projecting then.

Well, OP has never suggested that she will deprive her kids of time with their half siblings. Just that they won’t be living with her. There you go. Panic over.

Who’s advocating that?

😂😂also LOL at using Clueless, a film about millionaires whose step siblings end up shagging, for any sort of standard to aspire to

Whaaaat!?
Come on you know this isn't true don't you!?
So if I divorce my husband, and he doesn't want me to see his stepson any more- do I have rights to take him to court? No. I don't. So stop chatting absolutely rubbish!!

If me and my ex died after divorcing would I hell want his new wife to look after my children- I'd want them with my family as would they. Utterly ridiculous take.

A few people are changing the narrative of this as well but
Of course bio mum might not want her to have them, they might not want to be with her but that wasn't the question. I am sure the OP states that both her DH and his ex don't have much family so they'd likely end up with a distant relative not their grandparents

Funny you talk about people changing the narrative and then say this.

OP said they would likely go to close, beloved grandparents, or their aunt and cousins.

If you marry a person with children you take on the children as well - that's part of the deal. Children are dependents and need good adults in their lives, if an ex wanted to prevent a relationship with an ex-step which the child wished to maintain then I would consider that a pretty selfish response unless there were safe-gurading issues not obvious to the child. On the bit about the mother's views - we are in agreement, she does not appear to have been consulted and, depending on the relationship within her own family might want/not want the kids to stay with her relatives /their siblings.

In any case these are issues which really need to be sorted out early in any "blended family" relationship - indeed any parents, divorced or not, should have thought about these issuses and made arrangements for who has guardianship of the children in the event of them being orphaned.

If you marry a person with children you take on the children as well - that's part of the deal.

This line is trotted out way too often and it really makes my blood boil. Everyone is different, and you have no idea what conversations took place before the marriage. You can't just decree the law according to you. Many women have open conversations around the level of involvement they want with a man's children before they get married. They set expectations. And if both parties marry with their eyes open to this, that's perfectly ok.

Ah there was me thinking this was AIBU board, not "what is the legal position in this case because that is the only thing that matters and no opinions outside that have any relevance" board. OP, suggest you see a solicitor if that's what you are after opinions on because @whumpthereitis says that anything else doens't count.

Exactly.

Contrary to what many people think on here, there are no rules. There is no "deal". You make your own deal, and that could be anything.

Either way, I magine it's a moot point and loads of PPs are right, that the ExW will absolutely not want her kids looked after by OP. I sure as well would do pretty much anything to ensure that my kids didn't end up with someone who cared so little about them that she would kick then out of their home right after they were orphaned. To be honest, I'ld be quite uncomfortable with them spending 50% of their time with a person like that, but unfortunately there's probably not a lot she can do about that. Hopefully this hypothetical situation won't happen so the kids never have to be exposed to it.

Oh gosh, it is an eye opener that there are people like this in the world.

You don’t sound very nice at all, OP.

When my best friend died, age 37, she was a single mum.

I took on her children.

Good for you but your are not the OP.