AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

The majority of people wouldn't sit back happily while their children's sibling, and the child of the person they apparently loved enough to procreate with, was abandoned to the care system.

What does ‘treat them like family’ even mean? Treat them like your own kids? Treat them like your mother? Treat them like your second cousin seven times removed? Fuck, treating them like family could mean having dinner with them twice a year and escaping after two hours.

’treating them like family’ is not the same thing as ‘being willing to raise and take responsibility for them’.

And she's well within her rights not to want to look after him.

The reasons are irrelevant at the end of the day - if someone doesn't want to, they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for that.

Why would anyone want small children being raised by adults who don't really want them, anyway?

Unless you’ve got the statistics at hand, that isn’t something you, or indeed anyone on this thread, could possibly know.

*For a woman who's had children of her own to deny that those children are in some way 'part of you' is really fucking bizarre.

I suspect you don't really believe it. I hope you don't. Apart from all of the other implications, it's hopelessly illiterate. Your husband's son shares 50 percent of his genes. He is half of him, and half of his mother. And on top of that, he's been raised by his father too, so he's not only genetically part of him, but also through nurture.

To deny that children are to a massive extent a continuation of their parents is just trying to distort basic reality because it doesn't suit your preferences for denying any connection with your stepson.*

It's not bizarre - it's semantics. My children mean the absolute world to me, they came from my genes, they have the most important connection to me of anyone in the world. But they are not "part of me", or an extension of me, they are their own people. I see that as a mark of respect, frankly.

It’s not really a comparable situation is it?

What I mean by it is 'not pretending that I have no more connection to, care for or responsibility towards them than I do towards a random stranger on the bus'.

When you marry someone you accept that they come with their own connections - friends, family, parents, children. It's not realistic to pretend thst your relationship with that individual exists in a hermetically sealed bubble. You take on the people that are attached to them as well as the person themselves.

In real human relationships, as opposed to the sort of bizarre legalistic rhetorical letter-of-the-law setup put forward by some on these threads, we're all enmeshed in these relationships and networks.

I don't tell my mil to fuck off because my husband loves her. For example.

You’re right, they shouldn’t. But that absolutely means the step parent is not a good person. And if they are made to feel bad about that, it’s not the worst thing.

I'm not really bothered about the semantics. Of course they are their own people. They also share a huge amount in common with you, both genetically and because you've brought them up.

And exactly the same is true of your husband and his son. And your children and their sibling. Genetics and shared history.

I don't really care about the phrase 'part of'. It doesn't matter. Call it whatever you want. The relationship is real.

To deny it by claiming that it's exactly the same as refusing to adopt a random child with no connection to you or anyone you know is just nonsense.

Believe me, I have absolutely zero intention of ever becoming a step-parent

But yes, we do need to respect people's decisions when it comes to raising children - I think that's vital. Raising children who aren't yours, with zero help, is no easy task, and not one that anyone should take on without giving it some serious, serious thought.

It's also not beneficial to the children to have them living with someone who doesn't actually want them there.

You sound so cold OP.

Yes, you respect they come with their own connections, which is different to accepting those connection as your responsibility.

you’re pointing to your own experience and painting that as reality, ignoring the fact that ‘reality’ can look very different to other individuals, in other families, and in other social groups. Your reality isn’t the ‘one true one’ that reigns supreme over that of all others.

The letter of the law is pointed out because that is one thing we can point to as concrete, as something we are bound by. Within that, individuals get to determine their moral beliefs and how to conduct their relationships for themselves. No one outside of yourself is bound by ‘bamboux thinks…’.

I’m sure she’s can turn the central heating up if she needs to.

No, in your opinion that means the step-parent isn't a good person.

My opinion is that they're an incredibly good person for knowing their limits and not forcing themselves into a situation that would eventually become toxic or damaging for them.

Surely it depends massively of the scenario!
for example of their mother was to pass away and the children moved in with you and their dad full time and lived with you for several years…. Then he passed away you would probably feel very differently about bringing the kids up than you do now…
however if DH passed away first and they lived solely with their mum for years, probably never seeing you, then she was to pass away… well in that scenario the mum would be very unlikely to request that they come to you in her will, they would likely go to one of her siblings or close friends etc….
In a situation where both died close together then her family/friends would fight to have them I should imagine.

I would tell him that as it stands right now you wouldn’t take them on… obviously if mum passed first and they lived with you years before he went then you’d probably feel differently.

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable to feel hurt that his wife doesn’t love or want his kids. Think in reverse if you died and he remarried then died and his new wife didn’t want your children and they ended up in foster care or wherever … it’s unlikely to happen but it’s obviously on his mind

It's end-of-life planning. Everyone should have this conversation. Who gets the insurance,where certain documents are, disabled/incompentence wishes, who gets the kids, (then asking and informing those people you have earmarked the children to go to such-and-such person. So that THEY can tell you that yes they would, or no they would not take the children in such an instance and the parent needs to find another person.)

The OP has said she's asked him to make these arrangements in the past and he won't. He has no life insurance while she has two policies in case she dies and needs someone else to look after her children. He's been totally irresponsible: hasn't discussed the situation with his ex-wife, hasn't made a will, hasn't made financial provision for any of his four children.

He is the irresponsible parent. OP has considered the situation and done what she can to protect her children.

And again, everyone is assuming the stepchildren will be easy to look after. I know someone who stepped in to look after her teenage nephew when his mum died. He took his rage out on her and pushed her down the stairs and he was into drugs and stealing. So many of you are imagining little angels when you might find yourself rescuing violent, angry teens.

Well this thread has turned completely batshit.

Exactly the same! I would have rather stayed with my grandparents.

I know plenty of people will disagree with that stance, but I think a child’s main priority in these circumstances is to be with the adult they feel most stable with, even if it’s at the expense of being with siblings

I agree and not all children are attached to their half siblings and bothered about being around them all the time. In my case, being full time with my grandparents would have brought me more comfort than growing up with my half-sibling.

Ah, but who cares about the children, as long as the step-parent can be labelled a shitty person with no morals?

Why do you think they need your respect, or to be thought of by you as ‘a good person’? It’s weird to me that anyone would feel the slightest bit bad over someone on mumsnet thinking they’re a cunt.

Well as your opinion has exactly the same weight as my opinion, we’ll just have to agree to disagree. All I can say is thank you for taking care not to put yourself in this situation!

Not sure why you think I think what you think I think!

Same for me too and my step parents are both lovely too.

I imagine if there was a poll of step children, the vast majority would prefer to live with grandparents/aunts and uncles than a step parent.

I guess the moral of the story is - find someone with the same moral make up as you!

I don’t mean you alone. I’m also referring to the ones who only comment to say ‘you sound cold’, or ‘you’re not a good person’, as if that’s something OP should be upset by.