AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

As I have said before, in the scenario where the young kids’ mum died and they moved in with their dad and lived there with him and their step mum for a few years, and then the dad died too, should the step mum kick them out? Remember the kids are not adults yet and have spent the past few years with their dad and half siblings. The OP says yes. I say no. Where do you stand in this specific situation?

As well as not bothering to read OP’s posts, making up scenarios, talking about scenarios with little relation to OP’s and pretty much ignoring that none of us knows what their actual mother wants making the whole discussion pretty moot.

Some seem to not even consider that the current dynamic is the way it is for a reason. Perhaps, the ex is happy with the amount of involvement that OP has with her children. Yes, OP has been with her DH for six years but that doesn’t mean they have been living together that long. The children would have likely met OP when they were 3 and 5 or maybe later depending on how she, her DH or both parents felt and I doubt their mother would have simply trusted OP with her children when they were that young or expected her to take parental duties within months of their father dating her. Heck, most posters would be calling either parent irresponsible for trusting their young children to someone they only been dating for a few months. Add in the kids’ grandparents and other family members close by who live local and a likely constant in their lives, it makes even more sense that OP’s parental responsibilities are the way they are, even more so if she had a job during those years before she had her own children.

Yes Dad would put being a dad first, in that hypothetical scenario, hopefully. And that'd mean divorce, if op is thinking like this. If I was dad, I'd lose sleep over this, and be very upset. It'd mean this family isn't really the family he thought it was.

Or do you think we should force people to take care of children they don't want?

You don't want the child? Don't marry the guy as these situations may occur. Being a parent comes first.

I wouldn't expect the step-mum to become a full-time single parent of children that weren't hers, no.

Not all step-parents would feel able to take on such a huge responsibility and they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for saying "no".

It's up to the biological parents to make appropriate arrangements for their children - it's not up to the step-parents to take over if they don't feel able to do so.

Nonsense.

The biological parents should be making adequate arrangements for their children in the event of their deaths, not assuming their new spouse will take over and do it.

Within the law people are free to decide how to conduct themselves. Whether I think it’s moral or immoral to not help someone in the street is irrelevant unless I’m the one that looked upon to help.

My DSC are adults now, but if when they were younger, somehow both DH AND their mother had died? Then yes, absolutely, they would have come to live with me. MN is such a weird place sometimes…….I married a man with children, therefore they became my family and, at least partly, my responsibility. If the worst had happened and both parents died….I would have taken them like a shot. My DH would have wanted it, I think his ex wife would have wanted it (she remarried but is divorced).

I would have hated it too. I had a stepdad from age 11. If both of my parents died while I was a teenager, I would have wanted to live with my grandparents over my stepdad because I was closer to them than him.

I had no half siblings, but even if I did, I’d need to be with the adult who I was most comfortable with in order to feel supported and happy. Being with siblings full time would come secondary to that and would be of less importance. I know plenty of people will disagree with that stance, but I think a child’s main priority in these circumstances is to be with the adult they feel most stable with, even if it’s at the expense of being with siblings.

@bringincrazyback not sure what difference that makes. I have a stepmum who I am close with and who would have looked after me if my dad ha

Then it’s up to the parent in question to establish how a prospective partner feels well before he’s spent six years, married, and had children with her

And mum had died. I know she would have had us if this happened.

I think what you said was horrible and I understand why he's upset

You do you, obviously but I wouldn’t feel comfortable kicking out kids I have helped raise and for whom I have become a mother figure and who also have close relationships with their half siblings. I wouldn’t feel comfortable telling them that the house they’ve lived in for years is no longer their home and they must now reestablish themselves elsewhere, in addition to having to deal with the trauma of losing both parents. All this while they are only in their early teens.

The overwhelming YABU responses suggest I am not in the minority and that there is hope for humankind still.

I think what is happening here is that he is saying if I or my ex is not around will you look out for my kids. That doesn’t have to mean them living with you (unless that is what is best for them) but making sure they are loved, cared for and happy. That could be with with other family members - but as his partner I think it is reasonable he feels he can rely on you you do the right thing.

I would adopt any child of my husband's if they had no one else to take care of them. The fact that you apparently see no distinction between a child who is your husband's son, and your children's sibling, and any random child in the world, is chilling and, honestly, really odd.

I also wouldn't marry and procreate with someone who already had children if I wasn't prepared to treat them as a member of the family.

And fuck no, I wouldn't sit back while my children's siblings went into the care system. Apart from anything else, I would be aware of how my children might come to view that decision when they grow up.

The overwhelming YABU responses suggest I am not in the minority and that there is hope for humankind still.

This is just totally unnecessary and snarky

Not everyone feels able to take on that role - and they shouldn't be belittled or made to feel like a shit person for saying no.

Same here. My step parents are both lovely, but I'd have wanted to live with either set of my grandparents.

I wouldn't have thought my step parents were horrible if they thought that was the best plan too.

It's a conversation that should be had at some point.
It's end-of-life planning. Everyone should have this conversation. Who gets the insurance,where certain documents are, disabled/incompentence wishes, who gets the kids, (then asking and informing those people you have earmarked the children to go to such-and-such person. So that THEY can tell you that yes they would, or no they would not take the children in such an instance and the parent needs to find another person.)
Neither of you are necessarily being unreasonable. You both have your wishes, morals, goals, and major change of life planning.

Those do not always align.

It's not unreasonable to feel that when the time comes, you will not want, or be able take on more.
It's not unreasonable to feel that when the time comes, you would have assumed/imagined you or your spouse's roles to be a united front, that they would see the future as you would, and be upset when that's not at all the case.

This wasn't a hypothetical game, this was a real conversation. Things like this happen all the time. OF COURSE your spouse is upset. Of COURSE he envisioned all of his children would remain together, or at least continue part time! Naturally he feels in a blended family, they are as much your children as they are his, and that you'd want them and take them in.
(and no, you do not have to. however, not seeing WHY this is a real thing to be upset about, you do have to understand that.)

Now that they know you have no intention to continue having any custody of the children at all, should the unthinkable happen, they (custodial parents) need to sit down and discuss their options, then ask those people that they agree on, and have that set up. Including having a specific portion of his/her life insurance set aside for those children and their guardians for their expenses.
It should not be something left to be figured out in the moment.

And fuck no, I wouldn't sit back while my children's siblings went into the care system

Then you're very privileged to be physically, emotionally, mentally and financially able to raise multiple unrelated children as a single parent.

Lots of people aren't so fortunate.

It wasn’t meant to be snarky, fwiw. But honestly, you really shouldn’t marry anyone with kids if that is really your viewpoint. If there are financial or physical constraints, it’s a different situation. But simply not wanting the kids because they’re not your own blood is a completely different mindset. One we really do not need to respect.

I have issues with my MIL, but I also love, care for and tolerate her far more than I would a random woman in the street precisely because she is my husband's mother.

Same goes for my brother in law.

For a woman who's had children of her own to deny that those children are in some way 'part of you' is really fucking bizarre.

I suspect you don't really believe it. I hope you don't. Apart from all of the other implications, it's hopelessly illiterate. Your husband's son shares 50 percent of his genes. He is half of him, and half of his mother. And on top of that, he's been raised by his father too, so he's not only genetically part of him, but also through nurture.

To deny that children are to a massive extent a continuation of their parents is just trying to distort basic reality because it doesn't suit your preferences for denying any connection with your stepson.

Of course he's a part of your husband. That's how inheritance works. And it's how parenting works. You can try to deny that connection, but it's bollocks.

But simply not wanting the kids because they’re not your own blood is a completely different mindset. One we really do not need to respect.

Do you think this about everyone that wouldn't adopt a child? The majority of people don't want to raise a child that isn't theirs.

This is an interesting thread.

I can see why the husband would be upset but understand where the OP is coming from.

I have never have seen this scenario play-out in real life. However, I have seen situation when children have been placed with other relative. From what I can gather blood relatives are normally preferred, particularly grandparents. In my experience grandparents are much less likely to abuse a child than any other relative.

If I was a child in this situation, I would not want to live with a step-parent.

The previous poster who said she'd be fine with her children's sibling going into care said nothing about being unable to look after him. She just doesn't want to.