Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

1000 replies

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:50

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/04/2023 20:30

Good to read of such clear boundaries, OP.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 20:30

Reimu · 15/04/2023 20:24

The default common sense approach is that yes, she would be involved with those children, it goes without saying that rejecting someone else's child means that you are rejecting them. This is not unusual, this is standard common sense. Both should have brought up this conversation, not just him, the aberrant element here is her approach.

Show quote history

Nope, the default is that there is no default. The level of involvement a stepparent has is entirely down to the individuals that make up the family.

That seems obvious, considering the different experiences of blended families that have been described on this thread alone.

He is the one responsible for his children, thus his failure to communicate his expectations to OP is entirely his failure. It isn’t her responsibility to consider his children more than he bothered to do.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:32

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 20:25

LMAO, no. No it is not.

Show quote history

No wonder there are so many wicked stepmother stories 😂 FWIW, wicked stepfather also applies.

Throwncrumbs · 15/04/2023 20:33

Tandora · 14/04/2023 21:37

How did you feel about that?

Show quote history

I was ok with it, like I said we were close, she was a lovely supportive step mum, she has since died and I miss her very much

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 20:34

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:29

The logic is the same.

Show quote history

lol, it really isn't.

I helped an elderly lady who had fallen in her garden a few months ago. I got hr up and back inside safely, and made her a cup of tea. That doesn't mean I'd be happy for her to come and live with me and care for her on a full-time basis Hmm

Equally, when I was with my ex, I looked after his children while they were with us, but there's no way I'd have taken them on full-time if both their biological parents passed away.

PrincessScarlett · 15/04/2023 20:35

Well at least this realisation should prompt your husband into making a will. He knows that you won't treat his kids fairly so he will have to make sure OP gets 50% (which OP then passes to her children) and 50% to his children.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 20:35

The logic is the same.

Yes, but the magnitude of what your expecting of someone is also relevant. Helping someone on the street at no cost to yourself - yeah you'd be a dickhead not to. But not giving a homeless person a huge stash of cash? Not so much.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:37

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 20:30

Nope, the default is that there is no default. The level of involvement a stepparent has is entirely down to the individuals that make up the family.

That seems obvious, considering the different experiences of blended families that have been described on this thread alone.

He is the one responsible for his children, thus his failure to communicate his expectations to OP is entirely his failure. It isn’t her responsibility to consider his children more than he bothered to do.

Show quote history

I guess the main problem is the differing set of values. Some people are very much “what is mine is mine, what is yours is yours” whereas some are “what is mine and yours is now ours”. Important to know this about your partner before you marry / enter into long term relationship with them.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 20:40

That seems obvious, considering the different experiences of blended families that have been described on this thread alone.

Right? It's getting ridiculous the amount of people who can't see that the things they think go without saying about being a step parent obviously don't go without saying, because opinions are so varied.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 20:42

Oh ok, if you’re not legally required to do that, it must be alright then? Do you also apply the same logic when deciding against helping someone in the street?

Omg that’s not the same! Becoming a child’s parent is a commitment. Something that you will have to do every single day.

Helping someone in the street is an immediate reaction and very short term kind thing to do for someone in distress. Big difference.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 20:42

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:37

I guess the main problem is the differing set of values. Some people are very much “what is mine is mine, what is yours is yours” whereas some are “what is mine and yours is now ours”. Important to know this about your partner before you marry / enter into long term relationship with them.

Show quote history

I think for most it’s ‘some things are mine, some things are yours, some things are ours’. What people consider to fall under each category will vary.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 20:43

PrincessScarlett · 15/04/2023 20:35

Well at least this realisation should prompt your husband into making a will. He knows that you won't treat his kids fairly so he will have to make sure OP gets 50% (which OP then passes to her children) and 50% to his children.

This is such a weird, manipulative response. Not being willing to adopt a child and allow your life to be irrevocably altered by that responsibility in no way indicates that you wouldn't treat them fairly when passing on his inheritance. That's a totally different scenario.

And he needs to split his share of their assets between all his children, not just his oldest, not leave the youngest nothing because he's banking on OP doing so.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:43

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 20:35

The logic is the same.

Yes, but the magnitude of what your expecting of someone is also relevant. Helping someone on the street at no cost to yourself - yeah you'd be a dickhead not to. But not giving a homeless person a huge stash of cash? Not so much.

I agree the magnitude is different. Also think the answer is case specific. Would you be comfortable kicking out kids barely into their teens after they’ve lived with you for a few years after their father died? The OP says yes.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:46

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 20:42

Oh ok, if you’re not legally required to do that, it must be alright then? Do you also apply the same logic when deciding against helping someone in the street?

Omg that’s not the same! Becoming a child’s parent is a commitment. Something that you will have to do every single day.

Helping someone in the street is an immediate reaction and very short term kind thing to do for someone in distress. Big difference.

🙄 Did I say the two situations are the same? I said the logic was the same.

MrsMiddleMother · 15/04/2023 20:46

He's reasonable to be upset, I imagine its hard to hear but voted yanbu as if that's how you feel to the hypothetical question then that's it. I've had this conversation with my DH, dsd lives with us full time and if both parents died she would continue living with me and her brothers, I'm already raising her with her dad and she's at her mother's every other weekend (if that). However if she only came 50% of the time I'm not entirely sure what I'd do in that situation.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 20:50

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:46

🙄 Did I say the two situations are the same? I said the logic was the same.

Show quote history

I was on about the logic too.
The logic isn’t the same. One is a big commitment, the other one is a kind gesture. Both require entirely different thought processes.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 20:51

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:46

🙄 Did I say the two situations are the same? I said the logic was the same.

Show quote history

The logic isn't the same though, because you're comparing apples and oranges.

Helping a stranger in the street is a kind thing to do, just as looking after your step-children in an emergency is a kind thing to do.

But neither is remotely comparable to taking on that step-child on a full-time basis as a single parent.

Purpleboat · 15/04/2023 20:53

I voted YANBU. Accepting a partner’s children from a previous relationship is different from assuming full responsibility for them yourself.

I think if DH genuinely wants/wanted this bringing it up in a non-serious conversation is odd. I think it’s important to consider what the biological mum wants too. Does she have a partner and how would DH feel if she wanted them to take the kids?

Like you I would expect grandparents, aunts, uncles to be ahead of you in the line for adopting the kids. I would understand if no one else could and the kids would go into care, but it doesn’t sound like that. All that being said I think it would BU if you were to cut all contact and if that is what DH is projecting onto your response might explain his upset. Again a reason to have a serious conversation about this, he should probably start with DCs biological mum.

Betaalpha · 15/04/2023 20:53

We'll op, obviously the child would come to his / her parent if the other died? What did you think would happen? I'd divorce over this, you clearly have different values.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:53

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 20:50

I was on about the logic too.
The logic isn’t the same. One is a big commitment, the other one is a kind gesture. Both require entirely different thought processes.

Show quote history

The reasoning for the YANBU response given by someone up there was that a stepparent does not legally become responsible for step children, the implication being that there was therefore no need to look after them. My response was to them - that just because it was legally okay, it doesn’t mean that it is morally okay.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:55

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 20:42

I think for most it’s ‘some things are mine, some things are yours, some things are ours’. What people consider to fall under each category will vary.

Show quote history

For most? I certainly hope not.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 20:57

Betaalpha · 15/04/2023 20:53

We'll op, obviously the child would come to his / her parent if the other died? What did you think would happen? I'd divorce over this, you clearly have different values.

That's a separate conversation because obviously the dad would still be there.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 20:57

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 20:53

The reasoning for the YANBU response given by someone up there was that a stepparent does not legally become responsible for step children, the implication being that there was therefore no need to look after them. My response was to them - that just because it was legally okay, it doesn’t mean that it is morally okay.

Show quote history

I think it's perfectly fine (morally speaking) not to want to take on full-time, sole care for someone else's children, even if you are married to their parent.

Or do you think we should force people to take care of children they don't want?

Peppadog · 15/04/2023 20:58

I think YABU. You've been in their life for 6 years with 50/50 care since they were 7 and 3, you are the parent to their half siblings, they consider your home their home.

To tell your DH that if he and his ex died, that the children wouldnt be welcome to stay in THEIR home (bearing in mind presumably he would want to leave his share of the home at least partly to his children) alongside their half siblings is just awful and cold. It's not like they are babies and require round the clock care!

EarthFireAirWater · 15/04/2023 21:01

Considering the age of the kids their feelings on the matter should be taken into consideration. Would they even want to live with SM and their half siblings?
I am a stepchild and it would have been my worst nightmare having to live with my SM and half-sibling full time if both my parents died.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.