AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Absolutely - it's something that needs to be done as soon as you become a parent, IMO.

Aside from the argument, you both (and the mother of the step children) really need to get all this sorted in your wills.

who said anything about bitterness and resentment? It’s not an either/or where if you don’t deeply love someone/would do anything for them, then you hate them.

You can like and care for someone without wanting to be responsible for them.

Would this conversation upset you?

Yes, it would. You don't sound very nice, OP. Sorry to say.

I can't imagine loving a person enough to marry them, but having no interest or affection for their child. Just doesn't compute. If you despise or are indifferent to your partner's child, you despise or are indifferent to someone who is part of them.

Who said anything about despising them or being indifferent to them? Or having no interest and affection?

You can love your step-children and care about them without wanting to become their full-time parent.

I think it would depend on when u were actually in that situation and depends how long you’ve been together etc
if yr married I would expect the step parent to bring them up I think?
I would have been hurt if said to me I think.
If there was an aunty or uncle who were in a better position financially and emotionally maybe they’d live with them all of the time or some of the time? Like I said I don’t think you’d know til u were actually in that situation that would have been my answer!
I can see both sides though
Hope he’s speaking again tomorrow!

They aren't your children so why would he think you'd take them on? It's a silly assumption to make. If you broke up you'd never see them again this is the thing. My friend divorced over 2 years ago and hasn't seen her ex step child since, why would she, he's nothing to do with her once the dad is no longer in her life. May sound harsh but I know many people who would say the same about step children.

It was a response to several posts in this thread, such as the poster who said she would definitively prefer her stepson to go into care than to live with her and her children.

I am far from the only person who was shocked by that post.

I have read many posts on here over the years where it's clear that some people genuinely do resent and hate the existence of their partner's other children and would absolutely prefer them just to disappear.

(For balance, I've also read plenty of posts from stepparents who are doing their best to negotiate and manage their families from a place of love.)

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

If you've always been 'Dad's wife' rather than 'step-mum', you've not particularly fulfilled a parental role with them, so agreeing to take them on full time after they've suffered the trauma of losing both parents would be an enormous adjustment for everybody. Nowhere have you said you would cut ties with them, or not support/maintain the relationships between the half siblings.

I can understand your husband's assumption having not thought about the situation in any depth, and him being unsettled to find the reality so far removed from his expectations.

Surely it's better for this to come to light now and be ironed out, than the worst case scenario happen and there be a big to do over who takes the DSC.

YABVU. You have known these children for six years(!) that is a long time in a child's life. And they live with you 50% of the time?? I'd say you know them A LOT better than any aunt or uncle would. You are their stepmum and they are your children's half siblings?? Wow. I wouldn't even contemplate them going anywhere but stay with me, who in the event of biological parents death, would be their now only parent. Stepmum or not. Can totally understand your husband feeling upset with you. You sound like Cinderella's stepmum!

That doesn’t mean she hates and resents him, that’s what you’ve taken from that. Again, not being willing to raise a child, even if you know them, that isn’t your own doesn’t mean you hate and resent every child that doesn’t fit that criteria.

I’m not sure why you and some others being shocked is relevant, any more then others posters not being shocked by that is. That you think it’s wrong for her to believe that doesn’t mean she’s actually in the wrong. She’s perfectly entitled to make that decision.

Depends how old they are. If they are older teenagers it is different than if they were still quite young. It would have been hard for him to hear that you wouldn't offer them a home.

Lol, as if Cinderella’s stepmum isn’t a classic example of it not being a good idea to be responsible for children you don’t want to parent.

Yes, she is entitled to make that decision. That doesn't mean it's a value-free decision or that it doesn't tell you something about that relationship.

Anyone with any experience of the care system knows that it is something that you would want to avoid for any child you cared about at all, if it was possible to do so.

For someone to be absolutely clear that, regardless of money, space or any other practical considerations, they would unequivocally prefer to see their children's brother, and their husband's child, be subjected to the care system and all that entails and its lifelong implications, rather than even consider taking them in, does tell you a lot about how she feels about him.

I couldn't be with someone who felt that way about my child. For that reason, I think her husband is an irresponsible, shit dad who does not love or prioritise his children the way a parent should.

I think possibly how it was delivered was a bit sharp, but I can totally see where you’re coming from. My partner works offshore, his ex (mother of his D and S) has been told their rented house will be getting put on the market so they’ll need to move. My DH told me this and then said ‘so the kids might have to move in with us for a while’. To which he was told no, I would not be working a full time job (I’m the chief earner so can work 50+ hrs a week), looking after our 4 yr old, completing my degree and ferrying teenagers around. Before I get jumped on by the perfect parent brigade, my reasoning is that when his kids were younger and I was left to look after them when he was out, they would refuse to do anything I asked them. When I complained to him, he said ‘they aren’t your kids, I decide what they can do’. Since then, I don’t act like another parent, I feed them, clean up after them, and treat them well when they’re with us. But I’m not going to have the paying for them or going above and beyond when I have no say in what they do, even when it affects me. It’s all well and good people saying if you are with someone who has kids, you take them on too, but it all depends on the dynamics of each particular situation. No-one except OP knows that, so no-one can sit on their perfect throne and judge.
Yes it’s great when people can be one big happy family, but in reality it isn’t always like that. And the step-parent isn’t always the one at fault.

I think I am on the same page as you I wouldn’t take them on full time either but would still have contact for your childrens sake but then on the other hand I wouldn’t of married a man that already had children if that’s how you feel.

She's a classic example of it not being a good idea to marry someone who despises your kids.

I actually think YABU. You married him- he's a package deal. You're a step mum. They are also your dependants now.

No, you are not being unreasonable. More so if you've never tried to step into the mum role. Even if you did it's a bit of a full on expectation to have for a single woman, unrelated to either family, to take on that responsibility.

I'm a 'dad's girlfriend' and I already find the slow bleed of getting more involved in his kids lives than I expected a mixed blessing. I've redrawn a boundary or two recently because of this slow bleed. For him to have a hump suggests he's built you into some sort of wifey fantasy, and isn't dealing with the complex reality of blended families. It's a form of objectification to project the saintly mother role onto you.

Are you/have you ever been a stepparent?

Value judgements are in the eye of the beholder. Some will judge her negatively, while others will think she made the right decision. The negative views do not have more weight than the positive, and nor are they worthy of any special consideration. Ultimately the only value judgement on the issue that actually matters is that of the person in the situation.

She isn’t the one responsible for the state of the care system, any more than she is responsible for her partners child. Even if that’s the alternative, not being willing to raise children that aren’t her own doesn’t mean she hates them.

It’s so easy to say the right thing in completely and utterly hypothetical situations, isn’t it 🙄

She's a classic example of it not being a good idea to marry someone who despises your kids.

Do you despise every child you wouldn't adopt?

I can't imagine loving a person enough to marry them, but having no interest or affection for their child. Just doesn't compute. If you despise or are indifferent to your partner's child, you despise or are indifferent to someone who is part of them.

I've always found this "they are a part of them" argument to be nonsense. They aren't a part of them. They are obviously very important to them, but they aren't a part of them, any more than your DH's mother is a part of him meaning you must dislike him if you dislike her.

Anyone with any experience of the care system knows that it is something that you would want to avoid for any child you cared about at all, if it was possible to do so.

It's up to the biological parents to make appropriate arrangements for their children in the event of their deaths.

The fact that the care system is horrendous doesn't change that, nor does it mean it's the step-parents responsibility to take on the role of full-time parent to someone else's children.