AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

What do you mean “children that are just mine”? As in my son from a previous relationship, who has been raised by DP since he was 2/3 years old? Well yes. And there’s nothing “entitled” about it. Nor would I expect him to ask me if it’s ok to leave me with DSD, despite her spending less time in our home. DP has attended school plays, parent evenings, spends time with my son (his DSS) happily without me there. We both co parent really well with my ex and I’m eternally grateful that he has so many adults in his life who genuinely love and care for him. When my son was hospitalised with septic arthritis, myself, DP and DS’s dad took it in turn to spend nights by his bedside. He loves my son as much as our biological children together, and his DD from previous marriage. Likewise for me. We’re a family, that’s how families work… I don’t understand how so many people here can be in a parental role for their DPs children, often from a young age and yet view them so differently from their own biological children.

I said unreasonable because I think it's unreasonable to force people to make such a binary judgement. There are a million factors that could be at play and really only you two can properly take those into account and work it all out. I would however say that out yourself in his shoes and try to consider how it would have sounded to him and impacted his feelings.

Best of luck and don't take anyone's opinion here too seriously, apart from mine, of course :)

I don’t understand how so many people here can be in a parental role for their DPs children, often from a young age and yet view them so differently from their own biological children.

Because they are not. Being married to someone does not automatically make you a parent, or give you parental rights, or put you in a parental role. Plenty of people are just the spouse of the child's parent. A "parental role" is a role you have to actively choose to do and a responsibility you have to choose to take (in agreement with the other parents). No one else can sign you up for that. Not your partner, not their ex.

It does seem a lot of parents expect a blended family to operate in much the same way a nuclear one does, with a stepparent taking on the role of third parent and raising the child alongside the actual ones.

Except this isn’t at all universal understanding of the role, which is why if having that is important to a parent, it’s their responsibility to make sure their partner is on the same page, rather than just assuming they are.

When you married him, you agreed to take in those children as your own regardless of where they lived at the time, they are supposed to be yours too. In all honesty, what you just said will inevitably cause a rift and severe trust issues, and you would be in the wrong. You should not have married someone with children if this was your stance, it's ok to not want to marry someone with kids, much more preferable even, but you are breaking your obligations by taking that stance.

Because there isn’t one universal way in which families work, and nor is there one universal understanding of what being a stepparent means. Is it really so difficult to understand that not every family works like yours, or would even want to?

Family is family is family. Knowing you only care for the children he has had with you and not the children he had before shows him you don't care about what he cares about. He cares equally for both children and you don't.
He now worries that you don't care about the wellbeing or future of his children over yours. Really if you want to get technical, you care more about YOUR children over his.
Huge red flag. He now knows that when it comes to inheritance, you might think otherwise and prioritise your children over his other children.
Apologise and tell him you will look after his children, no matter what happens to him.

At the end of the day, you'd want the same, right?

No, she didn’t. When she married him, she made vows to him, not his children. Marrying him did not give her rights over, or responsibility for, his children.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts I agree that there should be more discussion before families blend, get wills etc sorted, but that should also happen whenever anyone starts a family too. OP has a will but get DH doesn’t, but they also don’t appear to have discussed who should be a potential guardian for their own joint children

Totally this. Your children don't view your family the same way as you, and they might actually be disgusted with how you feel on this. Why not ask your own children? Lol what if they said you were also being unreasonable...?

He cares equally for them because they’re all his children. Of course she cares more about her two, they’re hers.

He’s entirely in the wrong for assuming what OP was willing to do, without even bothering to ask her. Like fuck should she apologise and backtrack, and thankfully she hasn’t. If he wants to make plans for his children in the event of the worst case scenario then he needs to discuss that with their mother.

What do you mean “children that are just mine”? As in my son from a previous relationship, who has been raised by DP since he was 2/3 years old? Well yes. And there’s nothing “entitled” about it. Nor would I expect him to ask me if it’s ok to leave me with DSD, despite her spending less time in our home. DP has attended school plays, parent evenings, spends time with my son (his DSS) happily without me there. We both co parent really well with my ex and I’m eternally grateful that he has so many adults in his life who genuinely love and care for him. When my son was hospitalised with septic arthritis, myself, DP and DS’s dad took it in turn to spend nights by his bedside.

If he's raised him as his own that's obviously quite a different situation to part time visitation. Plus if you have an arrangement where both of you have children from former relationships that you drop on the other for childcare without asking, at leas there's equity.

But it is fundamentally entitled to refuse to even acknowledge that somebody looking after your child for you is childcare. Fine if they're up for it, but that's what it is. If my DP refused to see that, it would be the last time I did him any favours regarding DSS. I think it's interesting that you say you are eternally grateful for what DS has, yet refuse to accept that any gratitude might be called for.

And it's still weird to take offence at being expected to check with the other adult in the house if they're ok with you going out and looking after all the kids, even if all the children were shared.

He loves my son as much as our biological children together, and his DD from previous marriage. Likewise for me. We’re a family, that’s how families work… I don’t understand how so many people here can be in a parental role for their DPs children, often from a young age and yet view them so differently from their own biological children.

I don't understand how so many people here can fail to understand that being around a child EOW, or even just 50:50, or pretty much any amount other than adopting them from a very early age and living with them full time, is unlikely to elicit feelings anywhere near as strong as the one's you have for your own children. It's ludicrous to me.

Bold assumption there. You seem to think her children would naturally condemn her viewpoint, when in fact they may just fully agree with it.

I don’t care if anyone else wants to consider me unreasonable, they’re free to. Someone disagreeing isn’t going to make any difference to my life.

If I were to leave this world, I'd want to know my children would be cared for and that their home with me would still be their home. If I remarried and my new husband admitted to me that should something happen to me they'd feel no way about taking my kids home away and giving the kids we shared the love and stability whilst everything changed for my children from a previous relationship, he'd be receiving divorce papers not the cold shoulder, based on the fact I couldn't feel the same about someone who was so selfish and uncaring toward my kids. Everyone's different, this was a hypothetical conversation but it'd wake me up to the fact that we aren't on the same page.

@aSofaNearYou do you think that about stepdads who have been in lives of DSC pretty much all their life, especially when the dad has never been on the scene? If mum was to die do you not think the DSC would view stepdad as dad and would more likely want to live with him than grandparents

Absolutely amen.

It’s not difficult to understand at all. Perhaps “understand” is the wrong word. I guess it’s just very far removed from what I would find acceptable from a partner re how they view any children in the family who aren’t their biological children. I can’t imagine inviting someone into my child’s life, to share a home with them, to choose to spend our lives together but not deem them worthy of actively parenting my child. It doesn’t seem to tally well with then subsequently deciding to have children together. So they aren’t good enough to parent my child, but they are good enough to have further children with?

I agree that it might've been better to say what he wanted to hear, given that it's extremely unlikely to happen.

If it did happen, then there's a good chance his family might offer to have them anyway. If you were absolutely adamant about being honest then you have to be prepared to accept him being honest too and indicating that he now feels differently about you.

Sorry, but that is rather naive, to believe that you can marry someone with children and become uninvolved with them when they are under legal age. It also sounds to me like none of this was discussed beforehand, before marriage, all of this should have been settled well before, but common sense dictates that you married someone with kids and now involvement with those kids is inevitable one way or the other, and rejecting them in such a hypothetical time of need equals to rejecting their father(her husband), there is no in between.

It’s not about being worthy or not, it’s about not expecting someone who isn’t your child’s parent, to parent. Someone who isn’t a parent not being held responsible for parenting a child isn’t the same thing as considering them unworthy.

It was important to you to find someone that was willing to take on your child as his own, so presumably you made sure that your partner knew that. OP’s DH, on the other hand, didn’t consider it something important enough to even have a conversation with her about it.

Well erm.. yes, yes I do care / love / feel more about my own children, and yes I will be leaving to them my inheritance.. no I don't care about their wellbeing over my own childrens. Sorry but that's how it is. I think that's a wholly unreasonable expectation to have of someone. Great if it happens but I imagine most people don't care about / love equally their step children or care about their future over that of their own childrens.

Can I just say that this was really nice to read, a breath of fresh air in this thread. I can feel the love and warmth in your post.

I am sure that all of your and your partner's children benefit hugely from the way you are all raising them.

In the end it's about understanding that children have no choice in their lives, while adults do, and taking responsibility for the choices you've made to become involved in their lives.

It’s not naive at all, plenty of stepparents don’t just believe that, but actively live it.

What is naive is assuming that your partner is going to have the same view as you in regards to your children, and thinking you don’t need to have a conversation with them about it. Considering he’s the one responsible for his children, it was absolutely on him to make expectations clear to her years before they got to this point.

I've always said that. If you want someone to love your child like your own, and raise them like their own, then go find a partner who is willing to do that. You don't get to pick the person you want and just assume they will take on that role.

Agree, it is a huge failing on the part of any parent who involves someone so closely in their child's life without making sure they care for them, want the best for them, and don't resent their existence.

No child should have to grow up like that, with an adult in their life who essentially doesn't care if they never see them again.

No parent should allow that person to be a major figure in their child's life.

I can't imagine loving a person enough to marry them, but having no interest or affection for their child. Just doesn't compute. If you despise or are indifferent to your partner's child, you despise or are indifferent to someone who is part of them.