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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

1000 replies

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:50

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 19:22

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 18:14

@aSofaNearYou do you think that about stepdads who have been in lives of DSC pretty much all their life, especially when the dad has never been on the scene? If mum was to die do you not think the DSC would view stepdad as dad and would more likely want to live with him than grandparents

I think that is the scenario where it is most likely a step parent and step child will have an actual parent/child bond, yes, though I'd still think other relatives would be a reasonable option. But it isn't the case for most of the are families being discussed here.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 15/04/2023 19:24

I have interest in and affection for some of my DC’s friends but I wouldn’t expect to automatically take over their parenting when their parents died. It’s hardly a binary choice between despising a child, as someone’s suggested, and happily taking over full legal guardianship for them.
OP doesn’t even have parental rights over them and wouldn’t if their parents died. There would have to be a discussion between potential family carers and authorities. In a case like this it might be appropriate for a willing step parent to take them on and it might not.
It’s fine to feel differently about your stepchildren and your own children.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 19:24

Ginandrosemary · 15/04/2023 18:59

I actually think YABU. You married him- he's a package deal. You're a step mum. They are also your dependants now.

No, they're not.

Legally, they're nothing to do with her. She has no rights or responsibilities towards them by law.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 19:26

Anyone with any experience of the care system knows that it is something that you would want to avoid for any child you cared about at all, if it was possible to do so.

And it’s not possible for OP so there you go.

Katey1980 · 15/04/2023 19:27

I see my stepdaughter the way I see my in-laws. They are my family by marriage and if the marriage ended through death or divorce we would have a different (likely less close) relationship than the one we have now. I can’t imagine my stepdaughter’s mum’s family being that chuffed if I decided that she’d live with me in the event of her mum and dad’s death! I think people who aren’t stepparents - and unfortunately this especially includes the spouses of stepparents - have no idea what the fabric of the relationship actually is, and how it feels. It certainly isn’t without love, but also it is not a primary bond. No one is unreasonable here / but if your husband wants to ask provocative questions about upsetting hypothetical scenarios, he can’t really expect to not be upset at the answers.

Figgygal · 15/04/2023 19:28

Yes it would op
Those kids live with you 50% of the time with their siblings but you think they'd be better off living fulltime with their cousins wtf

Bucketheadbucketbum · 15/04/2023 19:29

SleepingStandingUp · 14/04/2023 10:58

You're surprised he's upset you'd rather they went to random relatives or into care, possibly / likely losing the relationship with their half siblings? I mean it's your prerogative to not love them or consider them family. But you can't be surprised it bothers him.

This. You sound very cold. I'd be upset. YABU

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 19:30

Mozero · 15/04/2023 18:03

Family is family is family. Knowing you only care for the children he has had with you and not the children he had before shows him you don't care about what he cares about. He cares equally for both children and you don't.
He now worries that you don't care about the wellbeing or future of his children over yours. Really if you want to get technical, you care more about YOUR children over his.
Huge red flag. He now knows that when it comes to inheritance, you might think otherwise and prioritise your children over his other children.
Apologise and tell him you will look after his children, no matter what happens to him.

At the end of the day, you'd want the same, right?

I don't even know where to start with this one 😂

Except to say that it pretty much sums it up that you'd call it a "red flag" that she cares most for her own bloody children.

SlippySarah · 15/04/2023 19:30

I wouldn't expect my DC step-mum to take them on full time if me and their dad both died. I don't think YABU at all.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 19:31

Figgygal · 15/04/2023 19:28

Yes it would op
Those kids live with you 50% of the time with their siblings but you think they'd be better off living fulltime with their cousins wtf

Because she doesn't want to become their parent. It's not just about which kids they are with, it's about being with the most suitable adult.

Unsure33 · 15/04/2023 19:33

GOW56 · 14/04/2023 11:31

I understand why he is upset. It signals how you feel about his children and that you don't see them as part of your family.

This , you could have worded it so much better . Of course it would depend on lots of scenarios at the time and the mothers side of the family , that goes without saying , but if your children and his children get on and they are comfortable being with you and their step brothers and sisters would you not take that into account ? He might take it that even if they did want to live with you , you would not want them. Sounds like he feels a bit hurt .

SlippySarah · 15/04/2023 19:34

I would hope that if I died and she and their dad took them on full time that she would consider becoming a legal guardian eg adopting them to give them stability and so she had PR.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 19:35

I honestly don’t know if it is possible to love DSC the same way you’d love your own DC. That said, if I ever find myself in this situation, I hope that I am more empathetic and kinder than the OP comes across as being. I also think it matters very much the order in which the DSC’s parents die. From the comfortable position of not being in the OP’s (hypothetical) shoes, I think it would break my heart to turn out two orphans if they lived in our house full time.

Also don’t understand how I could spend that much time with a 3 yo and 7 yo and not parent them over 6 years.

God, I really hope I’m a better human being than the OP seems to be!

lillysmom · 15/04/2023 19:38

Yes I think you'd be unreasonable. Thos children would be orphans and their closest biological relatives would be your children. Have you thought about THAT?

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 19:39

What I’m finding so frustrating about this thread is that the people who think OP is in the wrong, aren’t thinking about the realities for all involved if she became guardian to the dsc. Absolutely no thought whatsoever.

Beanfield2023 · 15/04/2023 19:45

Surely this was discussed before you set up home together ? This should have been a crucial discussion. I think this might cause a big rift in your relationship.

Happy2237 · 15/04/2023 19:46

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 18:14

@aSofaNearYou do you think that about stepdads who have been in lives of DSC pretty much all their life, especially when the dad has never been on the scene? If mum was to die do you not think the DSC would view stepdad as dad and would more likely want to live with him than grandparents

This isn't misogyny, his kids live 50% of the time with their step mom and half siblings in the house they consider home with their dad. The idea you don't want four kids but marry someone with 2 and have 2 more is so telling. If they own their home is she going to sell it to give his children some of the money and financial stability they'd be entitled to? Or will just the kids she shares with him get the stability and support. Most people get life insurance to make sure their kids are protected in the event of the worst happening and he has just realised 50% of his kids would be living a Cinderella story if he and their mom died. You don't want more kids , don't marry someone with kids?

BitOutOfPractice · 15/04/2023 19:48

yabu. They would be growing up with family if you took them in. Their half siblings.

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/04/2023 19:49

If you were the DH I wonder if people would be reacting in the same way. There is an expectation that women will take on caring responsibilities, and that there is something wrong with them if they reject them.
I think what he has probably heard, regardless of what you said, is that you don’t love his children. Perhaps the way to rectify this is to suggest you have a serious conversation about wills. Do you think their Mum would have wanted them to live with you in this unlikely scenario?

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/04/2023 19:51

Also, I actually know someone this happened to. She was a friend of my sister’s. She and her brother were young adults when their Dad died, something like 18 and 20 and the step mum did kick them out.

summersky42 · 15/04/2023 19:52

The way she talks about the DSC, she might as well be talking about some kids from two doors down who pop in every now and then to play with her kids. Given how little she cares, the kids would genuinely be better off with their grandparents.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 15/04/2023 19:53

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/04/2023 19:51

Also, I actually know someone this happened to. She was a friend of my sister’s. She and her brother were young adults when their Dad died, something like 18 and 20 and the step mum did kick them out.

Where was their mother?

Hopelesscynic · 15/04/2023 19:53

It would be mean to send them away IF there was no one in your DHs or his ex's family to take them in. But you say there are plenty of people on his ex's side and they are blood relatives, I think that's absolutely fine and chances are his kids would want to be with them anyway as would have a closer bond.
It is fine not to want the extra responsibility for 2 more children OP - Don't listen to the "fairy tale" responses on Mumsnet, they always flame step parents anyway and have high expectations of the care they should be providing.

I think a healthy choice would be his kids go to a relative they who's been in their life and is a good tole model AND visiting you and their siblings once a week for dinner, weekend playdate, a day out etc.
I don't understand your DH being upset about it, unless they've grown up with you and you literally raised them as being their mum (say if he was a single dad and no bio mum on the scene).

Iwasafool · 15/04/2023 19:53

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 14/04/2023 10:57

So you and DH have children together too? What is the age difference between your children and your stepchildren?

I think it would be a really horrible thing to do to children who had lost both parents, if they wanted to stay living with their step-parent and half-siblings. I do think if you choose to become a stepparent you are taking on a degree of responsibility- if the children involved are quite young especially. You really don't have the right to call yourself a step'parent' if you aren't happy about this.

That reminds me of a case I worked on, prostitute got murdered, her little girl went to her father, the younger child's father wasn't known and was put into care. Those poor little kids, mum murdered and then split up, particularly the one who went into care. They would be in their 30s now so it was a long time ago but it made me so sad for them.

Hopelesscynic · 15/04/2023 19:55

Justalittlebitduckling · 15/04/2023 19:51

Also, I actually know someone this happened to. She was a friend of my sister’s. She and her brother were young adults when their Dad died, something like 18 and 20 and the step mum did kick them out.

At the ages of 18 and 20 they are adults so would be reasonable they find their own accommodation once they've had a proper amount of time to grieve and move on with their lives.

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