AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

The irony. I missed it, so no great conspiracy there. No, I don’t have children, as I said earlier in the thread.

Surely it's common decency to ask before you go out and leave your child in the care of someone else - step-parent or not.

MN is full of threads from women who are pissed off because their DH's have buggered off to play golf/go cycling without checking first. Why would it be any different because Sofa is a step-parent?

If you have a child, you can't just go out and leave them without checking that the other adult in the house is available and happy to care for them.

Goodness… your DH genuinely has to ask permission to leave your DSS with you? Surely when you marry someone, you’re also taking on their children, knowing that as a step parent that entails parental type duties? I really cannot fathom how people can live with such a dividing line between their biological children and their partners children from previous relationships. Not least because it really doesn’t create a great environment for the children involved.

Yes, in the same way that he'd have to ask if he wanted to leave him with my MIL or anyone else that isn't responsible for him. There's nothing odd about that, just "do you mind watching DSS while I do x". Perfectly normal. No surely about it - I didn't sign up for any of that. I signed up for DP parenting his son in my house, not taking on parental duties myself.

There are no dividing lines because DSS doesn't witness my DP trying his luck and getting me to look after him by myself - he knows the score, he should be around by default unless there's a quick errand that needs doing.

Thankyou @coffeecupsandwaxmelts, I found it odd that it would be so baffling to anyone that he'd need to ask before leaving me with DSS. I'd expect him to ask before leaving me with my own DC, too, let alone DSS!

Goodness… your DH genuinely has to ask permission to leave your DSS with you? Surely when you marry someone, you’re also taking on their children, knowing that as a step parent that entails parental type duties?

I don’t see what’s so wrong with this.
He doesn’t see his kid full time, so why can’t he choose a non contact weekend to go out and do what he wants to do? If he wants to go out and do something when his kid is there, then yes he has to ask.

Why should Sofa spend Saturday afternoon looking after dss while her husband is out running errands? He can take him with him like loads of other parents have to! And if it’s something for leisure like meeting up with mates, he gets non contact weekends to do that.

No problem!

It's not baffling at all - just basic manners surely? 😬

Relentless IS the word.

It is utterly beyond me why any woman would go near a man who has divorced with young children.

Invariably they are duds as fathers and are solely focused on the nearest sap they can find to take on as much financial responsibility/skivvying/ au pair work........and now we have, should they die they get the children permanently too🙄......without even a conversation 🙄

You couldn't make this up, it's so unbelievable.

.....and at the same time as they are expected to act as a parent, they must keep their views and nose out of anything other than when its deemed convenient to their parents.......like paying for them, feeding them, paying for their holidays.

You'd want to be utterly batshit to entertain such a proposition, yet there are threads every day of women dealing with this.

Genuinely baffling.

And yet so many have such difficulty with @aSofaNearYou posts, whom appears to have some boundaries in this area.

It is perfectly possible to have a kind caring relationship with the child of your partner without being taken advantage of and basically used.

Not every woman wants to jump straight into a mothering role of children they meet with two parents that are already coparenting.

Far better for healthy boundaries to be established.

Well, no. I wouldn’t expect to ask permission from anyone, nor would I see any need for my partner to? Beyond a “I’m nipping out here” or as a courtesy to let my partner know I have plans and vice versa, there definitely wouldn’t be any element of asking to care for the children, step children or biological. I’m not asking for childcare, I’m assuming the person I parent with will just, you know, “parent”.

And yet , while raising his siblings, you would knowingly allow him to grow up care? I’m beyond appalled .

Is she raising the DSCs though? She may well cook for them, possibly clean and do their laundry - though it's possible their father does that? - but aren't their biological father and mother actually doing the raising? 🌹

Well, no. I wouldn’t expect to ask permission from anyone, nor would I see any need for my partner to? Beyond a “I’m nipping out here” or as a courtesy to let my partner know I have plans and vice versa, there definitely wouldn’t be any element of asking to care for the children, step children or biological. I’m not asking for childcare, I’m assuming the person I parent with will just, you know, “parent”.

Well when it comes to our shared DC - yes I'd still expect him to ask if I mind. It's entirely possible for one parent to take the piss and be out all the time leaving the other picking up the pieces. So yes, I'd expect a "do you mind if I do X". Since they're my kids and DP doesn't take the piss, I'd rarely say no.

But with my DSS yes I'd definitely expect him to ask, and I wouldn't expect him think it was fine to go out and leave me with him unless it was definitely necessary, like to pick up a pint of milk or whatever. To hang out with his friends? No, I don't want to babysit so he can do that. Because we don't parent DSS together - he parents him and I occasionally provide childcare where it's needed.

It's highly entitled to claim your partner looking after their step children is not child care. It absolutely is and to not acknowledge that is massively taking the piss.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts, completely agree, it IS actually a courtesy to check with the other parent.

My husband and I would have done that as a very basic courtesy towards each other, with 4 young children.

Neither of us would have dreamt of just walking out the door and just "assume" the other would carry on.

What an unbelievably disrespectful thing to do.
I simply can't imagine it.

I can believe it that it goes on in marriages with zero respect though.

But if I wouldn't expect the father of my children to walk out the door without a backwards glance, I sure as hell wouldn't entertain it for a minute from a man whose children I was a step mother to🙄

No problem @Ktime i need to articulate better too. All this hoo-ha over a hypothetical situation. I need to check myself sometimes. Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

I don't consider myself to be raising DSC no. PP may not believe it but no I don't feel like I'm in a parental role. I cook for them when I cook, like I would anyone who was in my home and other things like that, chucking their washing in with ours (again like I would anyone), but no I don't expect to take them to school or attend school plays or parents evenings or take them to their hobbies or get involved in grounding them or anything else like that, their parents do all that between them, it's not my place imo and everyone seems quite happy with that. I certainly don't feel like I've raised them for 6 years no. That's not the same as saying I'm mean to them or don't have a good relationship, it's just not a parental one.

And yes id expect DH to ask me if he wanted to make plans for when DSC were here. I can't believe anyone would think it was acceptable to just tell your spouse 'oh I've made plans so you'll have to have my kids today bye'. Erm no! They live here half the time to spend time with their Dad. If he wants to not be here he can check first that I'm around and happy to do it like he would anyone else, I'm not less deserving of consideration just because I married him. In the same way if I made plans I'd say to him regarding our own children 'im thinking of doing X, will you be alright with Y & Z that day?'. I wouldn't just wake up one morning and say oh btw DH I'm out today so you're with the kids bye. Who does that?

But you are asking for childcare, because when you nip out, you're automatically putting the other person in a position of sole responsibility for the children in the home.

I see what you're saying in that a parent should be happy to parent regardless, but it's still basic manners to double check first.

Anyway spoke to him last night said if it was something he seriously wanted to discuss he should have had a serious conversation about it firstly with his ex and not just during the middle of a light hearted discussion. I also said he needs to be proactive himself, not just expect others to sort it for him, in making a will and sorting life insurance to cover situations like this if it's something that concerns him.

And neither was his ex-wife, the mother of these children. He decided on his own without even talking to his ex-wife nor their children who are old enough to have an opinion on where they would want to go on the rare chance they were to lose both of their parents. He hasn’t even considered if his ex-wife would actually want OP to have her children in the first place.

This should have been a discussion between him, his ex-wife, and their children before bringing their partners into it.

My DH arranged a night out on one of the nights DSS is usually here. DSS stayed at mum's and I had a lovely peaceful evening to myself. What's the point in him coming if his dad isn't here? He's not here to see me.

Yes, when I nip out I’m automatically putting them in the position of them caring for the children, but I’m certainly not asking if it’s okay or leaving the underlying impression that they’re doing me a favour or anything. If one of us isn’t there, the other person is caring for the children, there just isn’t a sense of “do you mind..” or “is it okay if I…?”

Yes, when I nip out I’m automatically putting them in the position of them caring for the children, but I’m certainly not asking if it’s okay or leaving the underlying impression that they’re doing me a favour or anything. If one of us isn’t there, the other person is caring for the children, there just isn’t a sense of “do you mind..” or “is it okay if I…?”

Do you actually do this with children that are just yours? Massively entitled and ungrateful if so.

Yes, when I nip out I’m automatically putting them in the position of them caring for the children, but I’m certainly not asking if it’s okay or leaving the underlying impression that they’re doing me a favour or anything. If one of us isn’t there, the other person is caring for the children, there just isn’t a sense of “do you mind..” or “is it okay if I…?”

I'm sorry, but I find this to be such an entitled way of thinking 😬

On a basic level, they are doing you a favour because they're allowing you to go out child-free while they stay home with full responsibility for the children.

I mean, it's not hard to say "Fred, do you mind if I just nip to the shops for half an hour while you watch the children?".

They might be a parent but that doesn't mean they're automatically free and willing/able to care for your children at the drop of a hat.

Fred can then say "yep, no problem!" or "actually, I'm about to do x, could you go later/hold on for half an hour/etc."

On a basic level, they are doing you a favour because they're allowing you to go out child-free while they stay home with full responsibility for the children

Well surely even more so when they aren't the other person's children as well. I find that so entitled. I'd think my husband were very entitled indeed if he expected to just inform me he was leaving DSC with me for the day and said he expected me to 'well parent...'

Yes, exactly.

It's hugely entitled to expect someone who's not your child's parent to just be there to take over 😳

@Tandora before he involved the kids or even talked to OP, he didn't do the one basic thing any decent parent would do in this situation and talk to the children's actual mother. Which If he did that from the start, which any minimally considerate parent would do, most likely would have meant this topic would never even arise between him and OP.

Give over about family dynamics and OP disappointing him. He has disrespected the entire family dynamic by having this conversation with OP first. It has nothing to do with her before their mother has given her say on the matter.

@funinthesun19 so if the stepdad had been in the DSC lives since they were very little eg 2, so much so that the DC saw them as dad, and he would be there 100% of the time, so would actually see them more than GPs, you think it would be best to uproot them from the only home they can remember, from a person they see as dad to both them and half siblings if their mum died

The step-dad would still have no legal or moral duty to house the children.

Too many people have children and blend families without truly considering all the consequences of it. They assume their partner loves their children as much as they do, and that they'll be happy to take on the role of full-time parent in the future.

I honestly think a lot of these issues could be avoided if people just talked to each other before getting married and moving people into their homes.

A step-parent is probably never going to feel the same way about your children as you do, and it would be pretty foolish to assume otherwise. It would also be foolish to assume that a step-parent would take on the role of full-time parent in the event of your death when you've never even spoken to them about it first.

What a horrible thing to say. You took his children in when you married him. They are your response and if you can't handle that, divorce him. As a child of divorce, my stepdad never treated me as one of his own. If you can't handle the responsibility, give it to another stepmother who can.