Page 26 | AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

GroundFogDay · 2023-04-14T09:50:48+00:00

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous. We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility. He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect *me* to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs). I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said? YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same. YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:56

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 13:54

Then that’s something that you are responsible for establishing before starting a relationship with someone. Much like OP’s DH was.

It isn’t necessary for you to ‘buy it’. OP has described her own family dynamics, whether you choose to believe her or not impacts only you.

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Hmm, why I am apparently the only person on this thread who is not allowed (by you) to say anything about the OP’s circumstances and what I think of them? This is literally the point of AIBU. If you don’t agree with me that’s fine, but this weird censorship whenever I say something about op is getting dull.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 13:57

I’m assuming the grandparents would be grieving too as they would have lost a child (albeit an adult) @aSofaNearYou

GnomeDePlume · 15/04/2023 13:57

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 13:05

@GroundFogDay have you not had a conversation m with your DH who you would want your joint DC to go to in the unlikely event of both you dying? Have you then had the conversation with the prospective guardians, and also worked out finances for the guardians whilst looking after the DC?

OP has stated that she has life insurance policies (separately to benefit DH & her DCs) and a will. So it does sound like she has put some thought and planning into this.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:00

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:54

I’ve literally not seen one person say that. And since you said earlier that I said that - even though I didn’t - I can assume you are referring to me. But when an adult willingly involves themselves so closely in a child’s life - even if it’s only to cop off with their dad - and plays a role of one of their primary caregivers (which I just don’t buy OP didn’t when she lives with a 3 and 6 year as part of a family) then you take on some kind of responsibility for their well being.

im really curious - I assume you have kids? If you found yourself windows and remarried at some point and say, you were terminally ill, you would really be ok with your dh who has helped raise you kids for almost a decade saying that he intended to have nothing to do with them other than access to their siblings? Including making them leave your home? You would really feel that that was entirely alright?

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You keep repeating that, but no, involving yourself with a parent does not in any way make you responsible for them. If a parent wants someone to be responsible for them, then it’s entirely up to them to make sure they find someone in agreement.

When you think it’s on OP to walk away from a relationship because she’s not going to take on his children, rather than it being on the father to actually make his expectations clear, then yes, you’re asking her to consider his children more than he’s bothered doing.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 14:00

I wonder how many women who were single parents (with no input from their ex) and then married and had children with their new partner, would expect their DH to take on his DSC in the event of their death

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:02

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:56

Hmm, why I am apparently the only person on this thread who is not allowed (by you) to say anything about the OP’s circumstances and what I think of them? This is literally the point of AIBU. If you don’t agree with me that’s fine, but this weird censorship whenever I say something about op is getting dull.

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I haven’t told you what to think, or post. I’m questioning why you think you ‘not buying it’ is at all pertinent to OP. You don’t believe her! Okay, great, and?

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 14:03

But surely @GnomeDePlume it’s a joint decision to name guardians for joint DC? Everyone is criticising the DH for making an assumption who would look after the DSC without discussing it, but it looks like they haven’t had the discussion about their own DC too.

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:04

So you would be entirely ok with that situation then us what you are saying?

I think we are just going to have to acknowledge we disagree on the step parent responsibility thing. You can keep telling me that they don’t have any responsibility but I simply think you are wrong. I also think that makes you quite a callous person, but there we go.

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:06

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:02

I haven’t told you what to think, or post. I’m questioning why you think you ‘not buying it’ is at all pertinent to OP. You don’t believe her! Okay, great, and?

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“Ok great and…” to what you are saying? Are we back at school 😂 look you aren’t the AIBU police, if you think what I’m saying is irrelevant you are always welcome to just ignore it.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:07

Tandora · 15/04/2023 13:56

OP has described her own family dynamics, whether you choose to believe her or not impacts only you

It doesn’t though. It impacts on the children who I imagine weren’t part of these negotiations and yet have their own independent needs and interests. Furthermore, her partner seems to have a very different understanding of their family dynamics, hence the upset.

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And the person responsible for that is their father. He’s also the one responsible for assuming, rather than bothering to have a conversation with her years ago.

Floofydawg · 15/04/2023 14:07

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:04

So you would be entirely ok with that situation then us what you are saying?

I think we are just going to have to acknowledge we disagree on the step parent responsibility thing. You can keep telling me that they don’t have any responsibility but I simply think you are wrong. I also think that makes you quite a callous person, but there we go.

You're the one who's wrong. Step parents have no legal responsibility towards stepkids.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:11

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:06

“Ok great and…” to what you are saying? Are we back at school 😂 look you aren’t the AIBU police, if you think what I’m saying is irrelevant you are always welcome to just ignore it.

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I’m asking a question, as is commonly done on forums. You don’t buy it, and…? Why do you think you need to, in fact, buy it? Or are you not buying it because doing so requires you to abandon the particular narrative you’re spinning?

Ktime · 15/04/2023 14:12

Tandora · 15/04/2023 13:52

Given how anti SMs MN is, that it is only 66% voting against OP shows how complex a question this is

Excellent twist in logic 🤣 worthy of Boris J himself.

Interestingly , I have quite the opposite experience of mumsnet concerning step parenting and blended families. Never have I encountered such fundamentalism and callousness . The prevailing attitude seems to be that step parents (particularly step mothers) should have zero regard for the welfare of their step children, regardless what their needs might be. Apparently this is a principle of feminism, and anyone who suggests that the children’s needs and welfare might matter is oppressing women and hates step mothers. It’s toxic.

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I have the opposite experience.

So many threads where the step-mum is told to top up the maintenance her dp pays to his ex wife, or told that she has to take step kids on every single holiday and pay for them, or that she has to tell her grand parents they can’t take just her own kids out, or that she can only take her kids out on a day out on days her dp has his step-kids. It’s relentless.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:16

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:04

So you would be entirely ok with that situation then us what you are saying?

I think we are just going to have to acknowledge we disagree on the step parent responsibility thing. You can keep telling me that they don’t have any responsibility but I simply think you are wrong. I also think that makes you quite a callous person, but there we go.

We can agree that you’re wrong. Legally, which is one thing that can be definitively referred to, marrying someone does not make you responsible for their children. You can think they should be, but that’s utterly meaningless unless the person in question agrees.

You’re more than welcome to consider me in whichever way you want 🤷🏻‍♀️

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 14:17

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 13:57

I’m assuming the grandparents would be grieving too as they would have lost a child (albeit an adult) @aSofaNearYou

Yes, but their love for DSS would no doubt motivate them to push past that in the same way mine would for my DC.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 14:19

im really curious - I assume you have kids? If you found yourself windows and remarried at some point and say, you were terminally ill, you would really be ok with your dh who has helped raise you kids for almost a decade saying that he intended to have nothing to do with them other than access to their siblings? Including making them leave your home? You would really feel that that was entirely alright?

If I was a NRP so my DH didn't even live with the kids full time, yes I would be ok with that. He would have never signed up for more.

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:21

I am not talking about legal responsibility.

and you won’t answer my question. Funny that.

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:23

So you genuinely think no one has any responsibility re how they act towards or interact with children or people in general unless there are legally compelled or obligated. What an odd way to few life and human relationships. Because most people agree that many things that are not illegal are nevertheless not ok to do.

so no, we can’t agree that I am wrong. Because I am not talking about legal obligations, despite your insistence that that is the only possible thing that matters. Which it isn’t.

Floofydawg · 15/04/2023 14:28

So you genuinely think no one has any responsibility re how they act towards or interact with children or people in general unless there are legally compelled or obligated.

Of course people have a moral obligation to be nice to others. Treat them with kindness and generally not be a twat. However there's a world of difference between that and having someone who is not related to you live in your home and you take on financial responsibility for them. But I'm sure that now you're going to tell me you take in random waifs and strays 🙄

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 14:30

Ktime · 15/04/2023 14:12

I have the opposite experience.

So many threads where the step-mum is told to top up the maintenance her dp pays to his ex wife, or told that she has to take step kids on every single holiday and pay for them, or that she has to tell her grand parents they can’t take just her own kids out, or that she can only take her kids out on a day out on days her dp has his step-kids. It’s relentless.

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It absolutely is relentless. There are some right CF mums out there who expect all this and more.

Ophy83 · 15/04/2023 14:30

Surely their mother wouldn't want them to go to you in any event - it's much more likely she'd want them to live with her family

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 14:34

Floofydawg · 15/04/2023 14:28

So you genuinely think no one has any responsibility re how they act towards or interact with children or people in general unless there are legally compelled or obligated.

Of course people have a moral obligation to be nice to others. Treat them with kindness and generally not be a twat. However there's a world of difference between that and having someone who is not related to you live in your home and you take on financial responsibility for them. But I'm sure that now you're going to tell me you take in random waifs and strays 🙄

Exactly, lol. Some of these responses are utterly batshit.

You can be nice to someone and care for them without committing to becoming their full-time parent

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 14:35

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 14:23

So you genuinely think no one has any responsibility re how they act towards or interact with children or people in general unless there are legally compelled or obligated. What an odd way to few life and human relationships. Because most people agree that many things that are not illegal are nevertheless not ok to do.

so no, we can’t agree that I am wrong. Because I am not talking about legal obligations, despite your insistence that that is the only possible thing that matters. Which it isn’t.

See, the law absolutely matters, because it is the authority that we’re all actually bound by, whereas no one is bound by ‘NordicRain thinks…’.

within the law, individuals are free to decide their viewpoints for themselves.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 14:35

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 14:00

I wonder how many women who were single parents (with no input from their ex) and then married and had children with their new partner, would expect their DH to take on his DSC in the event of their death

Maybe they are close to their parents though?? Why do so many people assume that single mums have no family and are alone in the world? 🙄

Chances are that if there is no input from the father (either because he’s dead or out of the picture through choice), then the mum’s family is even more heavily involved with their grandchildren?

I don’t think the grand arrival of a new man will change things. He doesn’t automatically become first in line as guardian to her children when there are already strong relationships in place already.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 15/04/2023 14:35

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 10:16

Not being a step parent I didn’t realise that one of the criteria was to not be involved in their lives in any way, shape or form despite them living in your home 50% of the time. Would I be able to just cook for me, DH and the children I birthed and leave DH to cook for his other children? Is DH never going to leave the house when they’re present so I don’t have any responsibility for them at any time?

Your ignorance is showing. My DSS is not living in my home 50% of the time, he's there at most 20%, probably less, and this is very common. And yes, much like if he was wanting to leave his child in the care of any other relative, if my DH wanted to leave the house leaving DSS with me, then he would need to ask, and the default is that he wouldn't do this unless necessary.

None of that constitutes not being in their life in any shape or form. It means not taking quite as much personal responsibility for them as randomers online would like.

Goodness… your DH genuinely has to ask permission to leave your DSS with you? Surely when you marry someone, you’re also taking on their children, knowing that as a step parent that entails parental type duties? I really cannot fathom how people can live with such a dividing line between their biological children and their partners children from previous relationships. Not least because it really doesn’t create a great environment for the children involved.