Page 25 | AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

GroundFogDay · 2023-04-14T09:50:48+00:00

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous. We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility. He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect *me* to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs). I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said? YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same. YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

SpicedPumpkinLatte · 15/04/2023 10:26

If my DH had children and then he died and so did their mother, I think I would raise them because they are HIS children and I love him.

KitKatLove · 15/04/2023 10:26

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 10:16

Not being a step parent I didn’t realise that one of the criteria was to not be involved in their lives in any way, shape or form despite them living in your home 50% of the time. Would I be able to just cook for me, DH and the children I birthed and leave DH to cook for his other children? Is DH never going to leave the house when they’re present so I don’t have any responsibility for them at any time?

Your ignorance is showing. My DSS is not living in my home 50% of the time, he's there at most 20%, probably less, and this is very common. And yes, much like if he was wanting to leave his child in the care of any other relative, if my DH wanted to leave the house leaving DSS with me, then he would need to ask, and the default is that he wouldn't do this unless necessary.

None of that constitutes not being in their life in any shape or form. It means not taking quite as much personal responsibility for them as randomers online would like.

I don’t know if you read the comment in context but apparently the thought that as a step parent you might do the school run or take the stepchild to a party was unreasonable because they have parents to do it. I just took it to the extreme based on that reply. Not ignorance just sarcasm.

Ktime · 15/04/2023 10:29

I don’t know if you read the comment in context but apparently the thought that as a step parent you might do the school run or take the stepchild to a party was unreasonable because they have parents to do it.

Where did I say it was unreasonable for a step parent to do those things @KitKatLove ?

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2023 10:47

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 10:24

I love all this defending the OP's waster husband who is so outraged at his children not automatically being settled with his present wife, whilst at the same time not being arsed to do the very very basics of a will and life insurance.

The OP is a step parent.
Should she divorce him, she might never engage with the children again.
She has not adopted them.

If her husband is so concerned he should get his arse in gear and sort his affairs out properly.

His entitlement is astounding.

Twat.

Exactly or even considering the fact that if he hasn’t even planned these things, he has likely not discussed it with his ex or possibly has and his ex has said something on the same lines as OP.

The children are 9 and 13 and OP’s children are 1 and 3 and those are massive age gaps. Who is to say his children would even want to live with OP if both their parents die. They may prefer keeping with the arrangement they already have or to stay fully with their stepfather since it would be them and their SD not them, their SM, and their siblings who are still very young if they were to lose both parents now. Plus, some seem to have forgotten or likely didn’t read all of OP’s posts where they do have grandparents and family close by that they see regularly so chances of them going into care is extremely slim.

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 10:52

I don’t know if you read the comment in context but apparently the thought that as a step parent you might do the school run or take the stepchild to a party was unreasonable because they have parents to do it. I just took it to the extreme based on that reply. Not ignorance just sarcasm.

I don't think anyone's saying it's unreasonable to do those things. But it's unreasonable to be expected to do those things.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 10:54

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 10:24

I love all this defending the OP's waster husband who is so outraged at his children not automatically being settled with his present wife, whilst at the same time not being arsed to do the very very basics of a will and life insurance.

The OP is a step parent.
Should she divorce him, she might never engage with the children again.
She has not adopted them.

If her husband is so concerned he should get his arse in gear and sort his affairs out properly.

His entitlement is astounding.

Twat.

Exactly this!

But because OP is a much-hated step parent, her place seems to be permanently in the wrong 🙄

If their dad cared so much about what will happen to his children, he should have sorted it out years ago.

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 10:57

phoenixrosehere · 15/04/2023 10:47

Exactly or even considering the fact that if he hasn’t even planned these things, he has likely not discussed it with his ex or possibly has and his ex has said something on the same lines as OP.

The children are 9 and 13 and OP’s children are 1 and 3 and those are massive age gaps. Who is to say his children would even want to live with OP if both their parents die. They may prefer keeping with the arrangement they already have or to stay fully with their stepfather since it would be them and their SD not them, their SM, and their siblings who are still very young if they were to lose both parents now. Plus, some seem to have forgotten or likely didn’t read all of OP’s posts where they do have grandparents and family close by that they see regularly so chances of them going into care is extremely slim.

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Exactly.

Their loving grandparents/aunts/uncles could be much closer family than the poor woman who married their twat father, whom has made ZERO provision for them.

The assumption that she would automatically provide on her own for all 4 children 🙄.

Like most people we assigned guardianship of our children to people, with the knowledge that we were substantially insured and their costs would be fully met.

Basic parenting, as the OP ascribes to, unlike her twat husband.
Her children are lucky to have one parent with a bit of cop on.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 11:04

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 10:54

Exactly this!

But because OP is a much-hated step parent, her place seems to be permanently in the wrong 🙄

If their dad cared so much about what will happen to his children, he should have sorted it out years ago.

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according to some on here that was OP’s responsibility too. Apparently stepmothers owe kids more than their actual parents do.

notanotherdayofthisshit · 15/04/2023 12:04

billy1966 · 15/04/2023 10:24

I love all this defending the OP's waster husband who is so outraged at his children not automatically being settled with his present wife, whilst at the same time not being arsed to do the very very basics of a will and life insurance.

The OP is a step parent.
Should she divorce him, she might never engage with the children again.
She has not adopted them.

If her husband is so concerned he should get his arse in gear and sort his affairs out properly.

His entitlement is astounding.

Twat.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

THIS!!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 12:17

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 11:04

according to some on here that was OP’s responsibility too. Apparently stepmothers owe kids more than their actual parents do.

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It's utterly bonkers, isn't it?

Heaven forbid the children's actual parent has to do some work

KitKatLove · 15/04/2023 12:28

Ktime · 15/04/2023 10:29

I don’t know if you read the comment in context but apparently the thought that as a step parent you might do the school run or take the stepchild to a party was unreasonable because they have parents to do it.

Where did I say it was unreasonable for a step parent to do those things @KitKatLove ?

My point was not that as a woman she was expected to do those things but as a family unit these are the types of things that couples share between them for any number of reasons.
In asking
Why would OP do the school run or take to parties?

They have a mum and dad to do that stuff for them.
implies that the parents are the only people that can do those things and why would a step parent do it as if the OP doing it is unreasonable. If I misunderstood, I apologise.

toomuchlaundry · 15/04/2023 13:05

@GroundFogDay have you not had a conversation m with your DH who you would want your joint DC to go to in the unlikely event of both you dying? Have you then had the conversation with the prospective guardians, and also worked out finances for the guardians whilst looking after the DC?

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 13:11

My point was not that as a woman she was expected to do those things but as a family unit these are the types of things that couples share between them for any number of reasons.

Couples where both parents are responsible for the kids share those things between them. When they aren't, like when there's a step parent involved, it requires a different conversation and shouldn't just be assumed, because it's a favour.

Step parents CAN choose to do those things, but they're under no obligation to.

KitKatLove · 15/04/2023 13:16

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 13:11

My point was not that as a woman she was expected to do those things but as a family unit these are the types of things that couples share between them for any number of reasons.

Couples where both parents are responsible for the kids share those things between them. When they aren't, like when there's a step parent involved, it requires a different conversation and shouldn't just be assumed, because it's a favour.

Step parents CAN choose to do those things, but they're under no obligation to.

Which is why I ended my comment with
If I misunderstood, I apologise.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 13:36

The children are 9 and 13 and OP’s children are 1 and 3 and those are massive age gaps.

This is what bothers me too. Navigating your life as a single mum of 4 when they’re all your own, especially with big age gaps like that, is hard enough. Juggling two very different age groups isn’t easy! I know that myself because my eldest is 12 and my youngest is 4.
But it’s a different kettle of fish when those older children aren’t even yours.

I reckon if the OP took her dsc’s in, she’d be forever walking on egg shells around them and they’d start taking their emotions out on her. I understand they would be grieving, but OP shouldn’t have to sign up for that when she has 2 little ones to support as well as making sure she herself stays mentally afloat for her children. Again, the grandparents seem like more likely candidates to support two hurting teenagers rather than a single mum who has about a million things on her mind herself.

funinthesun19 · 15/04/2023 13:37

And again, very different if they were her own teenagers!

Ktime · 15/04/2023 13:43

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 13:11

My point was not that as a woman she was expected to do those things but as a family unit these are the types of things that couples share between them for any number of reasons.

Couples where both parents are responsible for the kids share those things between them. When they aren't, like when there's a step parent involved, it requires a different conversation and shouldn't just be assumed, because it's a favour.

Step parents CAN choose to do those things, but they're under no obligation to.

Thanks @aSofaNearYou , this is what I meant.

@KitKatLove sorry if I wasn’t clear.

Tandora · 15/04/2023 13:45

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 10:22

You are not “anyone else in the world” though. You are the person raising his siblings (not to mention once married to his father). And yet , while raising his siblings, you would knowingly allow him to grow up care? I’m beyond appalled .

And? There are lots of people who know him, me knowing him in the above way does not specifically make me the prime candidate for adopting him. My life would be an absolute misery which I am not willing to do, and I would obviously be a poor mother for him because I don't want to adopt him. Be appalled all you want, I'm appalled right back so it really is not a concern of mine.

I believe the question was if there were no other options, and he was to be taken into care. I do wonder , if that happened , what your children would come to think?

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:48

For me it has absolutely nothing to do with gender and child rearing being left to women. Not everything is sexism 🙄. I would 100% be saying the same about a man. If a man I was with - especially one I was married to and shared a home and family with - made clear he would shaft my kids should anything happen to me I would quickly realise he doesn’t see my kids as family and that he did not prioritise their well being. I would not allow a man like that to share a home and life with my children.

I also just don’t buy the while no parental relationship. Unless OP only looks after her own kids when her step kids are there and doesn’t partake in their care at all, If someone is living with and taking part in the upbringing of those kids since they were really small the children are going to think of them as family to some degree. They aren’t going to think “well legally she’s only my step mum so has no legal responsibility for me”. To them it will be a primary caregiver, someone who fulfills some kind of parental role to them. Even though OP clearly doesn’t feel the same.

Tandora · 15/04/2023 13:52

GnomeDePlume · 15/04/2023 09:11

Given how anti SMs MN is, that it is only 66% voting against OP shows how complex a question this is.

The DCs in question are not babes in arms. They are in secondary school or later primary. They are at the stage where friendships are becoming much more important. Their relationship with OP is still a relationship with 'Dad's Wife' not a relationship with Mum#2. It may be cordial, friendly but it is not the relationship between parent and children.

In the event of both parents dying, as things stand, OP does not have the right to sweep in and demand that these DCs live with her even if she so wished.

It is the 'D'H who is at fault here. He has made assumptions without giving it any thought.

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Given how anti SMs MN is, that it is only 66% voting against OP shows how complex a question this is

Excellent twist in logic 🤣 worthy of Boris J himself.

Interestingly , I have quite the opposite experience of mumsnet concerning step parenting and blended families. Never have I encountered such fundamentalism and callousness . The prevailing attitude seems to be that step parents (particularly step mothers) should have zero regard for the welfare of their step children, regardless what their needs might be. Apparently this is a principle of feminism, and anyone who suggests that the children’s needs and welfare might matter is oppressing women and hates step mothers. It’s toxic.

Tandora · 15/04/2023 13:53

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:48

For me it has absolutely nothing to do with gender and child rearing being left to women. Not everything is sexism 🙄. I would 100% be saying the same about a man. If a man I was with - especially one I was married to and shared a home and family with - made clear he would shaft my kids should anything happen to me I would quickly realise he doesn’t see my kids as family and that he did not prioritise their well being. I would not allow a man like that to share a home and life with my children.

I also just don’t buy the while no parental relationship. Unless OP only looks after her own kids when her step kids are there and doesn’t partake in their care at all, If someone is living with and taking part in the upbringing of those kids since they were really small the children are going to think of them as family to some degree. They aren’t going to think “well legally she’s only my step mum so has no legal responsibility for me”. To them it will be a primary caregiver, someone who fulfills some kind of parental role to them. Even though OP clearly doesn’t feel the same.

Quite

aSofaNearYou · 15/04/2023 13:53

I reckon if the OP took her dsc’s in, she’d be forever walking on egg shells around them and they’d start taking their emotions out on her. I understand they would be grieving, but OP shouldn’t have to sign up for that when she has 2 little ones to support as well as making sure she herself stays mentally afloat for her children. Again, the grandparents seem like more likely candidates to support two hurting teenagers rather than a single mum who has about a million things on her mind herself.

Yes, I keep thinking the same and don't feel enough has been said about the fact that OP would have just lost her husband. If my DP died, I would be grieving massively. I'd like to think that the maternal instincts I have towards my DC would push me to do my best to support them in spite of that, but do I think it's likely I'd do a good job at doing the same for an older child I don't have those feelings for, who'd just lost not one but both of his parents and was potentially lashing out at me? And do I think my mental health could survive that and allow me to provide a good childhood for my DC? Definitely not, to both.

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 13:54

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:48

For me it has absolutely nothing to do with gender and child rearing being left to women. Not everything is sexism 🙄. I would 100% be saying the same about a man. If a man I was with - especially one I was married to and shared a home and family with - made clear he would shaft my kids should anything happen to me I would quickly realise he doesn’t see my kids as family and that he did not prioritise their well being. I would not allow a man like that to share a home and life with my children.

I also just don’t buy the while no parental relationship. Unless OP only looks after her own kids when her step kids are there and doesn’t partake in their care at all, If someone is living with and taking part in the upbringing of those kids since they were really small the children are going to think of them as family to some degree. They aren’t going to think “well legally she’s only my step mum so has no legal responsibility for me”. To them it will be a primary caregiver, someone who fulfills some kind of parental role to them. Even though OP clearly doesn’t feel the same.

Then that’s something that you are responsible for establishing before starting a relationship with someone. Much like OP’s DH was.

It isn’t necessary for you to ‘buy it’. OP has described her own family dynamics, whether you choose to believe her or not impacts only you.

Nordicrain · 15/04/2023 13:54

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 11:04

according to some on here that was OP’s responsibility too. Apparently stepmothers owe kids more than their actual parents do.

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I’ve literally not seen one person say that. And since you said earlier that I said that - even though I didn’t - I can assume you are referring to me. But when an adult willingly involves themselves so closely in a child’s life - even if it’s only to cop off with their dad - and plays a role of one of their primary caregivers (which I just don’t buy OP didn’t when she lives with a 3 and 6 year as part of a family) then you take on some kind of responsibility for their well being.

im really curious - I assume you have kids? If you found yourself windows and remarried at some point and say, you were terminally ill, you would really be ok with your dh who has helped raise you kids for almost a decade saying that he intended to have nothing to do with them other than access to their siblings? Including making them leave your home? You would really feel that that was entirely alright?

Tandora · 15/04/2023 13:56

whumpthereitis · 15/04/2023 13:54

Then that’s something that you are responsible for establishing before starting a relationship with someone. Much like OP’s DH was.

It isn’t necessary for you to ‘buy it’. OP has described her own family dynamics, whether you choose to believe her or not impacts only you.

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OP has described her own family dynamics, whether you choose to believe her or not impacts only you

It doesn’t though. It impacts on the children who I imagine weren’t part of these negotiations and yet have their own independent needs and interests. Furthermore, her partner seems to have a very different understanding of their family dynamics, hence the upset.