AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Why would OP do the school run or take to parties?

They have a mum and dad to do that stuff for them.

AIBU is notoriously anti-step mothers so I wouldn’t take the poll as gospel or as an indication of what people would do in the scenario discussed.

Im a stepmother and voted YABU (as have others based on the comments) - so I don’t think think that reasoning holds out here.

It’s very different values about the role of step parents which fundamentally have the potential to drive a wedge between couples.

Rationally there is no right or wrong but emotionally it’s very charged because the two views are so opposed.

This — and also, I don't see polls for some reason, perhaps because of the cookies I refuse or the fact that I run an ad-blocker. There will be many more like me who don't vote because we don't get the option.

Given how anti SMs MN is, that it is only 66% voting against OP shows how complex a question this is.

The DCs in question are not babes in arms. They are in secondary school or later primary. They are at the stage where friendships are becoming much more important. Their relationship with OP is still a relationship with 'Dad's Wife' not a relationship with Mum#2. It may be cordial, friendly but it is not the relationship between parent and children.

In the event of both parents dying, as things stand, OP does not have the right to sweep in and demand that these DCs live with her even if she so wished.

It is the 'D'H who is at fault here. He has made assumptions without giving it any thought.

Pretty shocking, isn't it. I can't understand why someone would get together with a person who has children already if they feel this way. 😕

Woah...I don't think you read the OP.

You realise the OP is talking about if both parents were dead?

I'd imagine the OP wouldn't expect her dead exes wife to take her children if she was also dead.

Why do you think she wouldn’t be fine with it? Or indeed anticipate it, and be proactive in making plans for her children in the event of her death?

Unlike their father, I doubt she would rely on assumptions.

This isn't the same thing at all.

Read the thread.

She isn't a birth parent to his children 🙄

In your hypothetical scenario they have lost both parents and your home, with their siblings in it and you would be the only constant that remained in their lives.

But she wouldn’t be the only constant though would she? Sounds like dsc are very close to their grandparents, who are only in their 50s at present. Even in 10-15 years they won’t be old old, and could still take two teenagers in.

As I've already said, I wouldn't want them to go to my dead ex husband's new wife. Id want them to be with my family, their much much loved grandparents or aunt/uncle!

Op Probably wouldn’t want his wife to have her children. She’d probably want her parents to have them.

Sorry I didn’t see your post there OP. But you pretty much confirmed what I said! 🙂

I’m not sure why OP needs to pay attention to the poll, as if OP requires approval for her decision. It’s very easy for people volunteer others for things they wouldn’t do themselves. It’s also very easy to believe you would do something when you’re not actually faced with having to do it.

Not being a step parent I didn’t realise that one of the criteria was to not be involved in their lives in any way, shape or form despite them living in your home 50% of the time. Would I be able to just cook for me, DH and the children I birthed and leave DH to cook for his other children? Is DH never going to leave the house when they’re present so I don’t have any responsibility for them at any time?

I voted YABU because they are looking at the situation from different vantage points. To the DH both sets of children are his children. To the OP, she (naturally) sees her children and dh’s children as different.

This is not unreasonable. For OP, her priority is resources, time for her own children but for DH who is looking through the lens of love - he just wants his family to be together in the event of a tragedy.

I think that it was brought up in jokey way but to have a serious conversation about this is brave and necessary - as the answer will be found between the logical and the emotional.

No, a stepparent doesn’t have to take on any responsibility for their stepchildren if they don’t want to (which isn’t the same as not having anything to do with them. You can have plenty to do with someone without being responsible for them) There isn’t any set criteria, it’s what works for the individuals involved.

if this is unacceptable to a father then it’s up to him to not start, or continue, a relationship with someone who isn’t willing to take on his children as her own.

So OP, any more feedback from your DH yet?

Not being a step parent I didn’t realise that one of the criteria was to not be involved in their lives in any way, shape or form despite them living in your home 50% of the time. Would I be able to just cook for me, DH and the children I birthed and leave DH to cook for his other children? Is DH never going to leave the house when they’re present so I don’t have any responsibility for them at any time?

Your ignorance is showing. My DSS is not living in my home 50% of the time, he's there at most 20%, probably less, and this is very common. And yes, much like if he was wanting to leave his child in the care of any other relative, if my DH wanted to leave the house leaving DSS with me, then he would need to ask, and the default is that he wouldn't do this unless necessary.

None of that constitutes not being in their life in any shape or form. It means not taking quite as much personal responsibility for them as randomers online would like.

I think this is possibly the most heartless statement I've ever read on my 10+ years on here.

I think it's pretty shitty to try and emotionally blackmail and bully people into adopting a child they don't want to adopt. So the fact that you think me not doing so is heartless means very little to me - I think your views are awful, too.

You are not “anyone else in the world” though. You are the person raising his siblings (not to mention once married to his father). And yet , while raising his siblings, you would knowingly allow him to grow up care? I’m beyond appalled .

And? There are lots of people who know him, me knowing him in the above way does not specifically make me the prime candidate for adopting him. My life would be an absolute misery which I am not willing to do, and I would obviously be a poor mother for him because I don't want to adopt him. Be appalled all you want, I'm appalled right back so it really is not a concern of mine.

You seriously expect us to believe that someone with your potty mouth would bring up your husband’s orphaned children? Pull the other one.

I love all this defending the OP's waster husband who is so outraged at his children not automatically being settled with his present wife, whilst at the same time not being arsed to do the very very basics of a will and life insurance.

The OP is a step parent.
Should she divorce him, she might never engage with the children again.
She has not adopted them.

If her husband is so concerned he should get his arse in gear and sort his affairs out properly.

His entitlement is astounding.

Twat.

You didn’t realise it’s one of the criteria because it isn’t. You can as be involved as you like. My comment was about the automatic assumption that OP will have picked up parenting tasks for her step-children, which I suspect is because people see it as a natural woman’s role.