Page 23 | AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

GroundFogDay · 2023-04-14T09:50:48+00:00

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous. We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility. He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect *me* to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs). I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said? YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same. YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 21:45

@Ktime no worries!

As pro-equality as my parents are, I think even they draw the line at asking a grave to look after me 😂

Ktime · 14/04/2023 21:47

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 21:45

@Ktime no worries!

As pro-equality as my parents are, I think even they draw the line at asking a grave to look after me 😂

🤣

ImpartialMongoose · 14/04/2023 21:52

I'm with your husband. I can't imagine being so heartless.

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 21:55

He sounds extremely entitled.

No provision for his children or you with life insurance or a will, but expects the nearest vagina...you, to automatically take full responsibility for HIS children when he hasn't.

He sounds like a twat.

You were honest, perhaps bluntly so, but honest.

He needs to make provision for his children and get over his sulking.🙄

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 14/04/2023 22:00

Throwncrumbs · 14/04/2023 21:34

My dad died and I stayed with my step mum, we were really close. I don’t think they ever had this conversation when he was ill, before he died

I think being really close changes the situation, especially if there were no (even closer) options.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 14/04/2023 22:01

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 21:55

He sounds extremely entitled.

No provision for his children or you with life insurance or a will, but expects the nearest vagina...you, to automatically take full responsibility for HIS children when he hasn't.

He sounds like a twat.

You were honest, perhaps bluntly so, but honest.

He needs to make provision for his children and get over his sulking.🙄

Yup, just like any other twat dad on here that stamps his feet and kick off because his wife/partner won't do something for his children, when he's never done it himself.

Mr big bollocks as usual , all words and good intentions, but no action.

Tandora · 14/04/2023 22:04

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 14/04/2023 22:01

Yup, just like any other twat dad on here that stamps his feet and kick off because his wife/partner won't do something for his children, when he's never done it himself.

Mr big bollocks as usual , all words and good intentions, but no action.

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Mr big bollocks 🤣

MacarenaMacarena · 14/04/2023 22:07

You might not have any parental rights, so if your DH wants to discuss that with his ex wife he needs to do that.
His ex wife might have other ideas about who would take her DC in those sad circumstances. DH need to have the discussion with her. And they both need to write a will.
If there is a wish from both of them that you would take on the DSC, they need to discuss it with you and plan appropriate financial provision eg life assurance from both to cover living costs, larger home as they all grow etc. I had life assurance at the time to reflect the cost to guardians of caring for my DS if needed, I couldn't expect someone to do a good job in these circumstances without money. My life assurance would have budgeted £20k a year remuneration, £5k expenses until my child got to about 19.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 22:13

*Would you consider it if there were no relatives on his mum's side? It's not that far fetched - we have hardly any plausible options across both of our families. So if going into care was the only alternative?

I understand you don't feel like he is your child and you wouldn't want to take him in given the choice, but if it were literally a choice between living with you and your children, or going into care?

Have you and your husband had the conversation formally?*

No we haven't had the conversation, but no I wouldn't have him to be honest and I wouldn't expect DP to expect me to.

Tandora · 14/04/2023 22:15

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 22:13

*Would you consider it if there were no relatives on his mum's side? It's not that far fetched - we have hardly any plausible options across both of our families. So if going into care was the only alternative?

I understand you don't feel like he is your child and you wouldn't want to take him in given the choice, but if it were literally a choice between living with you and your children, or going into care?

Have you and your husband had the conversation formally?*

No we haven't had the conversation, but no I wouldn't have him to be honest and I wouldn't expect DP to expect me to.

Wait so you’d in all honesty allow your DCs’ sibling to go into the care system?

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 22:20

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 22:13

*Would you consider it if there were no relatives on his mum's side? It's not that far fetched - we have hardly any plausible options across both of our families. So if going into care was the only alternative?

I understand you don't feel like he is your child and you wouldn't want to take him in given the choice, but if it were literally a choice between living with you and your children, or going into care?

Have you and your husband had the conversation formally?*

No we haven't had the conversation, but no I wouldn't have him to be honest and I wouldn't expect DP to expect me to.

Fair enough.

Do you think you will have the conversation formally, having read this thread?

Do you think he and your stepson's mother have got formal arrangements in place - a will naming guardians, a trust for his inheritance, etc.?

just out of interest, no obligation to answer. We didn't get wills made until our children were a few yrs old, and the driving force for it was mainly to ensure that certain people were definitely not going to be asked or allowed to be guardians of our children. Sorting arrangements for guardianship and for trusts etc. was quite tricky and that was without taking half-siblings etc. into consideration.

billy1966 · 14/04/2023 22:26

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 14/04/2023 22:01

Yup, just like any other twat dad on here that stamps his feet and kick off because his wife/partner won't do something for his children, when he's never done it himself.

Mr big bollocks as usual , all words and good intentions, but no action.

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They're all the same.

Twats.

Holding others to a standard that they couldn't even spell🙄.

Bet this level of stupidity/entitlement isn't in isolation.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 23:09

Wait so you’d in all honesty allow your DCs’ sibling to go into the care system?

In the same way that everybody else in the world that didn't adopt him would, yes.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 23:12

@Bamboux No I don't feel the need to have the conversation. My DP is free to bring it up if it concerns him, but I wouldn't expect him to given that he wouldn't think I would want to do this, and there are also lots of relatives on both sides that would be more likely to be up for it.

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2023 23:24

It's easy for MN saints to say they would take on relatives 'in a heartbeat' especially when they are safe in the knowledge that this is never going to be required of them.

OP had a hypothetical question sprung on her and gave a hypothetical reply. None of us know what we would do in such an extreme situation.

As PPs have pointed out there are many scenarios which could lead to the older DCs being orphaned. A sudden catastrophe leading to the death of both parents. The death of one parent then the death of another.

Each scenario plays out differently. At the heart of each scenario is bereavement and grief. What the OP would actually do will depend on many factors.

Maybe after sulk free discussion and mature reflection OP decides she would like to be named as legal guardian. But it needs thought and consideration not just a decision by a mentally lazy man who just wants to assume that OP will take on the parental role because he can't be bothered to work it out.

Tandora · 15/04/2023 01:06

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 23:09

Wait so you’d in all honesty allow your DCs’ sibling to go into the care system?

In the same way that everybody else in the world that didn't adopt him would, yes.

You are not “anyone else in the world” though. You are the person raising his siblings (not to mention once married to his father). And yet , while raising his siblings, you would knowingly allow him to grow up care? I’m beyond appalled .

JudgeRudy · 15/04/2023 02:54

If they lived with you now I'd expect that to continue (or at least the invite). It would be a given though otherwise. I remember reading about Bob Geldof and his wife taking on Paula and Michael child and thinking it was great that she was with her sisters and what a lovely thing to do....but then he had money, a nanny, a wife and there was only one of her.
Ask your husband if you and your Dad were run over by the proverbial bus, would he be a carer to your mum who develops dementia.

Or if you want a good row as him if he died would he rather you married his best friend or his brother (because you can't decide)

ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist · 15/04/2023 07:00

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2023 23:09

Wait so you’d in all honesty allow your DCs’ sibling to go into the care system?

In the same way that everybody else in the world that didn't adopt him would, yes.

I think this is possibly the most heartless statement I've ever read on my 10+ years on here.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 15/04/2023 07:16

JudgeRudy · 15/04/2023 02:54

If they lived with you now I'd expect that to continue (or at least the invite). It would be a given though otherwise. I remember reading about Bob Geldof and his wife taking on Paula and Michael child and thinking it was great that she was with her sisters and what a lovely thing to do....but then he had money, a nanny, a wife and there was only one of her.
Ask your husband if you and your Dad were run over by the proverbial bus, would he be a carer to your mum who develops dementia.

Or if you want a good row as him if he died would he rather you married his best friend or his brother (because you can't decide)

I don’t understand the relevance of the last question. Unless literally all you want is to be a cunt, what’s that got to do with the situation?

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 15/04/2023 07:18

ScotchOnTheRocksWithATwist · 15/04/2023 07:00

I think this is possibly the most heartless statement I've ever read on my 10+ years on here.

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Absolutely and there are some strong contenders for that honour on here.

The only saving grace is the poll which suggests that most people are more compassionate and it’s just the less compassionate ones who are being more vocal.

KitKatLove · 15/04/2023 07:21

If they didn’t live with you 50% of the time and you just saw them every other weekend I could understand better. Unless when they are with you, and have been for the past six years, you have played no part in their care. Have you never done the school run or taken them to a party? Do they never come to you for anything? If your children were not their siblings again it would change things. In your hypothetical scenario they have lost both parents and your home, with their siblings in it and you would be the only constant that remained in their lives. I honestly don’t think that you have really thought about this hypothetical scenario enough other than your own situation.

Floofydawg · 15/04/2023 07:33

I'm with you in this one and I'd have said the same. You have to be honest about how you feel and maybe that's hard for him to hear but it's best to get it out in the open.

JudgeRudy · 15/04/2023 08:04

It kinda is yeah. There's been 4 posts recently where couples have fallen out over hyperthetical scenarios. Of course I don't really recommend making things worse just going with the Zeitgeist.

Original poster

GroundFogDay · 15/04/2023 08:12

Lots of people think it makes a big difference if their mum died first and then they lived with us before DH died. I personally don't think it makes that much difference because they wouldn't be any less close to their mum's family, they wouldn't just never see their grandparents / aunt again if their mum died. In fact they'd probably see them more. I would still imagine that their grandparents/aunt would want them with them if the worst were then to also happen to their dad.

Anyway spoke to him last night said if it was something he seriously wanted to discuss he should have had a serious conversation about it firstly with his ex and not just during the middle of a light hearted discussion. I also said he needs to be proactive himself, not just expect others to sort it for him, in making a will and sorting life insurance to cover situations like this if it's something that concerns him. I told him my opinion on where the children would end up hasn't really changed and that I still think everyone involved would be better off and prefer it if they went to mums family but that nothing is of course a given in any situation. He's still annoyed at me but is talking to me again so 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

Tandora · 15/04/2023 08:23

GroundFogDay · 15/04/2023 08:12

Lots of people think it makes a big difference if their mum died first and then they lived with us before DH died. I personally don't think it makes that much difference because they wouldn't be any less close to their mum's family, they wouldn't just never see their grandparents / aunt again if their mum died. In fact they'd probably see them more. I would still imagine that their grandparents/aunt would want them with them if the worst were then to also happen to their dad.

Anyway spoke to him last night said if it was something he seriously wanted to discuss he should have had a serious conversation about it firstly with his ex and not just during the middle of a light hearted discussion. I also said he needs to be proactive himself, not just expect others to sort it for him, in making a will and sorting life insurance to cover situations like this if it's something that concerns him. I told him my opinion on where the children would end up hasn't really changed and that I still think everyone involved would be better off and prefer it if they went to mums family but that nothing is of course a given in any situation. He's still annoyed at me but is talking to me again so 🤷‍♀️

Out of curiosity, Have you taken any notice of the fact that 66% of people voted you unreasonable, or any of the comments that offered an explanation of why they voted that way?