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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

1000 replies

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:50

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 18:50

*him dying. Not his

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:51

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 18:47

@Nordicrain there's plenty he can do.

He can talk to his ex wife and see what she thinks/wants/ has planned first. He could talk to the kids to find out what they would possibly want. He could make a will to provide for his kids. He could get life insurance to make sure the kids are provided for , or at least put OP's mind at ease from a financial point of view.

He hasn't done any of this. Instead he expects OP to pick up the slack, after not only paying for a funeral and what not ,but then being solely financially responsible for raising and housing two extra kids as a single parent on a single income.

He could do plenty, instead he's just running his mouth with no concrete action and then refusing to talk any further or actually sorting things out. That is NOT a good,responsible parent. That's a talk big, do fuck all parent.

I never said him ignoring her was the right course of action. I said I could understand if he's hurt.

Pluvia · 14/04/2023 18:51

Why would you expect more? She's just the woman who married their dad. Maybe she quite likes them, but they're not her children and they're not her responsibility. She has two children of her own who are responsibility enough.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:52

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:47

Kicking them out implies she's going to shove all their things in bin bags, chuck it on the lawn and change the locks. It's purposefully emotive language to try and make people feel sorry for the children.

In reality, what OP means is that, long-term, she won't be able to care for the children and that they'll need to go and live with their biological family. It's not the same thing at all.

Show quote history

"Kicking them out implies she's going to shove all their things in bin bags, chuck it on the lawn and change the locks. It's purposefullyemotive language to try and make people feel sorry for the children."

Of course you'd feel bloody sorry for the children. Who have lost both parents and their step parent is intending on making them leave (not sure how else I can say it) their home. I also feel sorry for them living with and bonding with a woman who clearly thinks nto much more of them than their role as siblings to her own children.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:53

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 18:50

In the event of his dying, OP might want to move house or even move area. Maybe to downsize to make it more affordable on her own. My point is, the dsc might not be compatible with this eg there’s now no bedroom for them in the new house. Dsc might be settled at school and it wouldn’t be in their best interests to move, granny is right there and dsc wouldn’t need to move schools.
What I’m trying to say is that OP would need to do what she needs to do adapt to her new life. And dsc might not realistically be able to be part of those changes.

yeah you are right, they sound quite the inconvenience those little orphans OP lived with for almost a decade. Sod them.

Suzi888 · 14/04/2023 18:54

It would hurt.

That would signal the end of my relationship with you. My child will ALWAYS come first, no matter what age DD is and she will always be welcome in my home to stay as long she she wishes.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 18:55

@Nordicrain he can be hurt once he has done everything he can to safeguard his kids' futures, had all the talks and this is the only issue left ,with their mum's approval as well of course. Then yes, he can be hurt, and worried and upset.

Otherwise he sounds like my mate's husband , who never takes his kids out but then get upset and moans at her because SHE doesn't do enough with them.

Suzi888 · 14/04/2023 18:57

“no he doesn't have life insurance or a will (another thread, I've told him before he needs to be better with stuff like this but he's lazy with things like this, I have both life insurance and a will, one policy pays out to DH and the other goes into trust for my children when they turn 18). “

He’s making a huge mistake….

phoenixrosehere · 14/04/2023 18:58

Reading your posts, OP.

I don’t think yabu, your DH however, very.

I would think this discussion would be between your DH and his ex and then them coming to you and her spouse to talk things over.

Who is to say (unless I missed it) she would want you to have her children if something happened to her and your DH. She may already have her own family in mind like you do for your own children if something were to happen to you and your DH.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 18:58

Suzi888 · 14/04/2023 18:54

It would hurt.

That would signal the end of my relationship with you. My child will ALWAYS come first, no matter what age DD is and she will always be welcome in my home to stay as long she she wishes.

And OP's children come first, because she doesn't think she'd cope raising and housing to extra kids, especially since no financial arrangements have been made to help soften the blow.

Would you take two more kids in, after losing a husband,an income , all the other costs etc? Or would you put your DD first like you said you always do?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 19:02

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:52

"Kicking them out implies she's going to shove all their things in bin bags, chuck it on the lawn and change the locks. It's purposefullyemotive language to try and make people feel sorry for the children."

Of course you'd feel bloody sorry for the children. Who have lost both parents and their step parent is intending on making them leave (not sure how else I can say it) their home. I also feel sorry for them living with and bonding with a woman who clearly thinks nto much more of them than their role as siblings to her own children.

Show quote history

I think anyone would feel sorry for any children who lost both their parents.

But that still doesn't mean that their step-parent should be expected to take on the role of their full-time carer. OP, as it stands now, has absolutely zero rights over these children. None whatsoever. Yet for some reason, you all expect her, overnight, to become their full-time carer - with absolutely no prior discussion or agreement. It's insane.

You also keep going on about them bonding with her, but that doesn't mean she has to want them to live with her full-time. And they may not even want to live with her - they may be much happier going to live with their aunts, cousins and grandparents.

She's not their parent. She also shouldn't be expected to be the back-up arrangement simply because their two, living, biological parents can't be bothered to sort things out themselves.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 19:03

Suzi888 · 14/04/2023 18:54

It would hurt.

That would signal the end of my relationship with you. My child will ALWAYS come first, no matter what age DD is and she will always be welcome in my home to stay as long she she wishes.

And OP's children come first to her...

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 19:06

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:53

yeah you are right, they sound quite the inconvenience those little orphans OP lived with for almost a decade. Sod them.

Show quote history

They've only lived with her part-time because she's married to their dad, though.

She has no responsibility to house/care for his his children in the event of his death - just as she has no responsibility to do so while they're alive.

She's not their parent. It's not her job to house them should the worst happen - that's something their parents need to sort out and organise.

ThisNameIsNotAvailable · 14/04/2023 19:07

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 15:29

A step parent is a relative.

^^ Only by marriage @ThisNameIsNotAvailable - OP currently has no rights over them whatsoever. She's not an adoptive parent so she has no parental responsibility - she's "just" their dad's wife.

Step-parents can't win. If they act like a proper parent and step up as "mum", they're told they're interfering and taking over, but they're also expected to take full responsibility when the parents die?

It's a shit show regardless.

You don’t have to tell me about being a step parent. I have two (now) adult step kids.

It’s not a shit show regardless. As far as I’m concerned they’re my kids but I’m not their mum - unless they want me to be.

The result of this is an amazing blended family with growing generations where both kids get to choose how they want me and their step dad in their lives or not.

What mumsnet says is neither here nor there but what I can say is that if, as a step mum I had the attitude that some people on here are displaying our lives would be very different. DSD would be having mental healthcare if she hadn’t have had a step mum who cared about her enough to keep her safe and build her confidence.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 19:07

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:53

yeah you are right, they sound quite the inconvenience those little orphans OP lived with for almost a decade. Sod them.

Show quote history

Oh give over. It’s not about them being an inconvenience. It’s about being realistic if op had to move.

And going back to my example, Staying with their grandparents and being able stay at the school they are settled in (especially if they are teenagers doing their GCSEs by that point) is far less upheaval for them!

Prahdeepx · 14/04/2023 19:07

Why would you have more claim on the kids than their mum’s husband? Or their own grandparents who are bio relatives? He’s being naive if he thinks you’d be able to keep them anyway.

However… in situations like this where the scenario being discussed is incredibly unlikely… I find it’s best just to say what people want to hear. It’s never going to happen anyway.

PollyPeptide · 14/04/2023 19:11

I don't know that you're unreasonable to not want them but I think you were unkind to say that to him. Every parent likes to think that others, especially their partner, love their children. You knew what he wanted to hear, you knew it was a situation really unlikely ever to arise and yet you felt it was more important to be (in his eyes, brutally) honest than just be kind and tell a white lie. I don't think he's being ridiculous to feel hurt.

Tandora · 14/04/2023 19:13

Definitely with your DH. If you were my partner, not only would I be upset, I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

These children live with you 50%. Your children are their siblings.

Thelastofbus · 14/04/2023 19:15

I’m on your husband’s side I’m afraid. He thinks of you all as one family. It must hurt him to realise that you don’t really think of his kids as family. If he and his ex were to die, then he clearly would like to
think of his children remaining in their home (it is their home if they are there 50% of the time) with their siblings and you - who he considers to be their family.

It’s not as if his kids are older independent teens, or that you’ve not known them long. You’ve been in their life for 6 years, and the youngest is still in primary school.

You are entitled to not to want to parent
them in this hypothetical situation. But you are being unreasonable to not understand why he is hurt that you haven’t hypothetically shown his children a bit more compassion and love.

WhereHasTheSunshineGone · 14/04/2023 19:23

My two sisters, one in a small 3 bed with and 6 and 0 yo. One in a 2 bed with a 6 yo girl. They couldn't just go out and get a 4 or 5 bed house on a whim. DH bro lives a bit further out, doesn't know the boys well, and is in a 2 bed flat.

This is why you get life insurance, to provide for this kind of eventuality so that they COULD go and buy a large house and meet the additional costs of raising the children.

phoenixrosehere · 14/04/2023 19:25

I’m curious on what his ex-wife, the actual mother to these children thinks. For all we know, she did the same as OP when it came to her children or are some assuming she is as lazy as OP’s DH.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 14/04/2023 19:30

I mean this whole thing seems a bit ridiculous. Unless your DH and his ex spend a lot of time together without the kids and are likely to die at the same time in the same accident this is just never going to happen. One parent would pass away and the kids would go to the other parent. It's then up to them who they put as guardian.

If DH dies, she gets kids full time. She will list whoever she thinks is best, likely one of her relatives. If his ex died first then your DH could list who he wanted but his ex's family could challenge the wishes in court and then its up to the courts to decide. You can say you'd be willing to keep them, but the courts could decide placement with a relative is better.

The best way is for parents to make their wishes clear to all relatives and I highly doubt his ex would be in agreement in putting OP, I imagine like OP she thinks they'd be better off with one of her relatives. They're not strangers, they spend a lot of time with them when with their mum!

Tandora · 14/04/2023 19:30

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 11:39

rather than just telling him he’s being silly.

I think he's being silly for refusing to talk to me over it. How are we meant to have a 'bigger conversation' when he's giving me the silent treatment over a pretty serious hypothetical situation he sprung on me out of no where.

What is there to talk about though? You’ve told him how you feel about his children; the constitution of the blended family you share (and your / his children’s role in it); your (family) values etc.. it seems your understanding of the family you share, and your values are entirely different and incompatible with his. That’s going to take a while for him to process before he can even begin to address it. And is it something that can be resolved through a conversation? Sounds like more of a deal breaker to me…

I8toys · 14/04/2023 19:36

YANBU - grandparents or even the mum's partner if they are already living in that area. He's being childish by not discussing it.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 19:39

This is why it's such a horrible thing to have children with someone who already has children with someone else if you're not willing to open your heart and accept the complex and involved relationships at stake.

No, OP is not their parent. But she is the parent of their siblings, and the wife of their father, and an adult who lives with them half of their lives, so to make out that they are random strangers to her is, to anyone who actually feels human emotions, fucking horrible.

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