AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Well he could end it then. Chances are the next woman who comes along wouldn’t want to take his children on either if he dies. His mum… much more likely.

Why are you trying to make this into a male vs female thing?

If the sexes were reversed, people would be saying exactly the same. And indeed many posters have already mentioned Bob Geldof, who did the human, decent thing when both Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence died, and brought up their child along with his own.

Funny how none of the 'stepmothers have absolutely no responsibility to their children's siblings or their partner's children' crew are acknowledging that.

But they also live in the other home half the time with their mum and her DP... And presumably also have grandparents and siblings of both parents around?

Because men just would not be expected to raise their step-children.

A few exceptions don’t change that.

If the sexes were reversed, people would be saying exactly the same

No, no they wouldn’t.

Not sure if Bob Geldof who was in a bitter custody fight over the kids which sped up Yate's and Hutchence suicide is a superb example.

@Tandora what are OP's worries and fears around that scenario. Would there be anything he could do for her to feel better equipped to do it?

Reassurance that it's something that the kids and their mum want(if that is the case)? Explaining to her that she is or why she is the only/better option.

Realisation that he put her on the spot , and what was a pretty reasonable assumption on her part doesn't make a horrible ,hateful human being?

There's plenty to talk about if he actually was a decent husband and father that wanted to get things done, not just gob off.

If the sexes were reversed, people would be saying exactly the same. And indeed many posters have already mentioned Bob Geldof, who did the human, decent thing when both Paula Yates and Michael Hutchence died, and brought up their child along with his own.

Bob Geldof has millions of pounds in the bank to make everything possible.
If you’re a widowed single mum now on one income, it’s not that easy to be a super hero for your deceased husband’s kids.

You do know that just because you say that, doesn't make it true?

I know two examples in real life where a stepdad has taken care of his stepchildren when both of the parents were unable to do so for different reasons. Not everyone has completely sexist world views like this.

Indeed. Someone would have to pay for the children if both their parents died . Presumably OP's husband was expecting that at least part of that would come from the money he's leaving to his wife.

Now he knows that she won't look after them, he needs to make a will making provision for his children asap.

(And fwiw, I know families who certainly do NOT have millions in the bank who stepped up in situations like this. Few people in real life are so completely callous - unfortunately some are.)

Oh, come on - there's a HUGE grey area between "opening your heart to them" and treating them like "random strangers".

You can love your step-children very much and still not want to care for them full-time.

Maybe those stepdads found their role as a stepdad easier though. It’s well known on here that stepdads don’t have to put up with as much shit as stepmums do. So maybe taking the children in when the parents were unable to, just came naturally to him as he was so at ease with his role anyway?

If having that was important to him then he should have established that with OP well before he married her. It wasn’t, and isn’t, on her to consider his children more than he did or does.

and she hasn’t made out that they’re random strangers. She’s said they’re not her children, and that responsibility does not fall on her to raise them. Both of which are true.

I don’t think you have grasped what this conversation was actually about. He doesn’t actually care about the practical realities of what would happen in the incredibly remote situation that both him and ex died. He cares about what that hypothetical , light hearted chat revealed about how OP really views his children and their (blended) family.

Again, no, they are not her children. But they are her children's siblings.

Agree they should have had this conversation a long time ago. If I were married to a man who said this to me wrt my children, I don't think I could carry on being married to him. It would be devastating to hear.

It is other posters who have talked about the children as if they have no connection to her.

Given that Tiger Lily is now in Australia and connecting with her late fathers family, the fact that she was the youngest and it was very much her older sisters who she stayed with abd the custody battle not sure it is the greatest example.

Plus here the OPs DH has completely ignored the fact that his ex may well have strong feelings as to where they go (her parents) and his existing partners thought ad sulks says a lot about him.

Fantastic. I know step-mums who have done the same.

But what other people do is pretty irrelevant. OP doesn't want the responsibility of raising someone else's children on her own - and it's just a valid decision as any other.

I think the thing is, it's not a realistic scenario because what could possibly happen to kill both DH and DHEW both at the exact same time? Some kind of freak physical accident maybe - but when are they together, but without the DC being present too? Probably never?

So in reality, if the EW died then the children would likely come to live with OP and DH. If the DH then died months/years later, the children would be used to living with OP, OP would probably see all the children as equal and therefore presumably wouldn't turf them out onto the street in that scenario.

Or, if DH died, then the DC would probably reduce their contact with OP, still seeing her DC hopefully, but she wouldn't be their stepmother any more really would she? Therefore if DHEW subsequently died she probably wouldn't be a major figure in their lives and she wouldn't be expected to care for them.

I know two different families who did this, as I said, and no, it wasn't 'easy' for anyone.

But some people feel they have a responsibility to children if they've decided to become such a huge part of their lives.

Clearly, some don't.

Presumably it would be fine with all of those saying op has no responsibility here if the children ended up in care, as no one was willing to take them.

And she’s said she’d be willing to maintain a sibling relationship. She isn’t required to raise them in order to do that.

No one has made out that they have no connection to her. What people have said is that she isn’t responsible for them. There’s a difference.

and again, if he wants to leave then he’s welcome to do so I imagine. He can choose to no longer live full time with any of his children, be responsible for paying CM for four, and make sure any future potential girlfriends would be willing to take on four if it came to it. Could even make a dating show of it, call it ‘My kids? Your problem’.

(And fwiw, I know families who certainly do NOT have millions in the bank who stepped up in situations like this. Few people in real life are so completely callous - unfortunately some are.)

Good for them. Some families wouldn’t be able to manage though. I’m a single mum of 4, and an extra child living with me would definitely tip the balance.
Luckily I won’t ever have this problem as I’m not in a position to ever has this expected of me. But one of my friends is a stepmum and she definitely wouldn’t be able to cope with the dsc if her husband died. Their behaviour being the first reason before you being all the finances and housing issues in to it. Just accept it won’t work for everyone!

In the families I know, the children had no other adults who would have been able to look after them properly, and would have ended up in care.

Presume you still think it's 'equally valid' to refuse to look after them if that's the alternative? The care system?

I'm glad you know stepmums who have taken the children in in these cases..I think in real life most people would do the right thing.

It's not OP's job to stop her step-children ending up in care

That's the job of their two living parents - both of whom have failed to make any kind of arrangement for their minor children.

Of course it's equally alid.

These children have two living parents who should be making arrangements to ensure they are looked after in the event of their deaths. It's not up to the step-parent - legally or morally.

@Tandora in which case it's pointless, superficial twaddle of no benefit of anyone, and definitely not good enough reason to give his wife the silent treatment for hours.