Page 17 | AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

GroundFogDay · 2023-04-14T09:50:48+00:00

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous. We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility. He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect *me* to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs). I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said? YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same. YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

EmilyGilmoresSass · 14/04/2023 18:31

DumbPrinceAndHisStupidWife · 14/04/2023 10:57

So you and DH have children together too? What is the age difference between your children and your stepchildren?

I think it would be a really horrible thing to do to children who had lost both parents, if they wanted to stay living with their step-parent and half-siblings. I do think if you choose to become a stepparent you are taking on a degree of responsibility- if the children involved are quite young especially. You really don't have the right to call yourself a step'parent' if you aren't happy about this.

This.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:31

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:28

He shouldn't have assumed. But maybe he thought the fact she had been willing to play happy families for 6+ years meant she genuinely cared about them.

I also don't get why people keep insisting OP hasn't said she wants to kick them out/ get rid. She's literally said they won't live with her, they'll "go to" the materal family, and the extent of her involvement going forward will be to faciliate a sibling relationship. So kind of her 🙄

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Again, you can care about someone and not want to be their full-time parent. That doesn't change just because you marry someone with children.

And saying "they won't live with me" doesn't mean "I'll kick them out before your body is even cold", does it?

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:31

Pluvia · 14/04/2023 18:29

It's not more than their parent does. The parent(s) are dead. I think any person willingly and knowingly sharing a life with a child is obliged to consider them and their wellbeing very carefully indeed. Which includes no turfing them out of their home and excluding them from their remaining famiy when they have just - hypotheically - become orphans.

Nothing the OP has said has indicated that she wouldn't consider their wellbeing carefully. She hasn't mentioned turfing them out of the home.

You don't seem to get it. She has no legal rights over the children and wouldn't even if her husband died. She's not their parent or next of kin. As previous posters have pointed out, she has no right to discipline or make major decisions on their behalf even if both their parents are dead. Social services and a court would have to be involved and if the grandparents or an aunt or uncle on the father's or mother's family wanted to take the children they would likely be favoured because they are family. OP is merely their late father's second wife.

It's really shocking how women are assumed to be willing to take on massive caring responsibilities but have no rights. Not even the right to say 'No, I really don't want this'. And if they do this, as OP has, they're vilified — by other women who should know better.

"She hasn't mentioned turfing them out of the home."

She has, she has made clear they would not be living with her. She's hardly offering to move herself out - in fact she's stated that she would own the house on her husband's death.

the point to say "I really don't want to have responisbility for or a relationship with" children is before you move in with them and spend almost a decade being their family 50% of the time.

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 18:31

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:28

About as much as your opinion on the matter I would think...

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That’s fine. I’m not the one trying to dictate to people what they should or shouldn’t do.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:32

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:31

Again, you can care about someone and not want to be their full-time parent. That doesn't change just because you marry someone with children.

And saying "they won't live with me" doesn't mean "I'll kick them out before your body is even cold", does it?

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Perhaps the OP will give them 3 months notice. Here's hoping.

SchoolTripDrama · 14/04/2023 18:32

OrraBoralis · 14/04/2023 11:23

YANBU, I don't understand why pp's think you should be responsible for children who are not related to you when they, as you say, have loving grandparents. I would be the same in your situation but obviously see the kids to keep up a relationship with their step-siblings. I would like to think I could take on a 'fun auntie' role if the kids were still keen to see me.

Because she agreed to be their Step mother when she married their Dad!

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:33

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 18:31

That’s fine. I’m not the one trying to dictate to people what they should or shouldn’t do.

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I'm not either. I am giving my opinion that it's a shitty way to treat children and that I can understand her husband is pretty pissed off.

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 18:34

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:33

I'm not either. I am giving my opinion that it's a shitty way to treat children and that I can understand her husband is pretty pissed off.

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When you start talking about ‘moral obligations’ as if your personal beliefs on the matter are something OP should be bound by, then how are you not?

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 18:35

SchoolTripDrama · 14/04/2023 18:32

Because she agreed to be their Step mother when she married their Dad!

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So? That isn’t the same thing as taking on parental responsibility for his children.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:37

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:32

Perhaps the OP will give them 3 months notice. Here's hoping.

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You don't even know that they'd want to live with their step-mum.

You're too keen on painting her like the evil stepmother from a Disney film, while conveniently ignoring their own dad's responsibilities.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:39

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:37

You don't even know that they'd want to live with their step-mum.

You're too keen on painting her like the evil stepmother from a Disney film, while conveniently ignoring their own dad's responsibilities.

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I'm not ignoring his repsonsibilities. Other than going back in time and discussing it with her (which he should have done, as I have said numerous times), he can't do anything.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 18:39

@GroundFogDay has he even asked/talked to his ex about any of this?
Would she even agree to it?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:39

She has, she has made clear they would not be living with her. She's hardly offering to move herself out - in fact she's stated that she would own the house on her husband's death.

Presumably because it's partly her house! Of course she's not going to move out - honestly!

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:40

whumpthereitis · 14/04/2023 18:34

When you start talking about ‘moral obligations’ as if your personal beliefs on the matter are something OP should be bound by, then how are you not?

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That's my opinion. Just as it is yours that they have none and it's dandy to just rid yourself of them once the man is gone - regardless of their situation or the fact that that is their home and their family. I guess we all have our own view on what is morally right.

Pluvia · 14/04/2023 18:42

"She hasn't mentioned turfing them out of the home."

She has, she has made clear they would not be living with her. She's hardly offering to move herself out - in fact she's stated that she would own the house on her husband's death.

Here's what OP said:* *

(he) asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). There's no mention of throwing them out. OP is factually correct that if a family member on the father's or mother's side offered to have the children they would be favoured by social services because they are blood-relatives and the children have known them and been close to them longer than the OP. The OP is just the woman who married their father after he split up with their mother. The OP has rightly said very little about her relationship with her step-children but for all we know, it may be a difficult one. They may have special needs or challenging behaviour. She has her own children who will need her time and attention. Women are allowed to say no.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:42

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:39

I'm not ignoring his repsonsibilities. Other than going back in time and discussing it with her (which he should have done, as I have said numerous times), he can't do anything.

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Well, he can realise he's been a fucking idiot and stop giving OP the silent treatment over it, maybe?

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:43

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:39

She has, she has made clear they would not be living with her. She's hardly offering to move herself out - in fact she's stated that she would own the house on her husband's death.

Presumably because it's partly her house! Of course she's not going to move out - honestly!

I didn't say she should.

But if she is clear they won't live with her. That they will "go to" the maternal family. And is clear she is staying. And it's clear that is their onyl remaining home. How is she not kicking them out?

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:45

SchoolTripDrama · 14/04/2023 18:32

Because she agreed to be their Step mother when she married their Dad!

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So what?

"Step mother" isn't a legal role. It doesn't give you any rights or responsibilities - it's just an easy way of referring to someone who's married a man with children.

Choosing to marry a man with children doesn't mean you're also choosing to take on those children for life if he passes away.

Pluvia · 14/04/2023 18:46

They will have a new home with the family members who open their home to them.

This is bonkers.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:47

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:43

I didn't say she should.

But if she is clear they won't live with her. That they will "go to" the maternal family. And is clear she is staying. And it's clear that is their onyl remaining home. How is she not kicking them out?

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Kicking them out implies she's going to shove all their things in bin bags, chuck it on the lawn and change the locks. It's purposefully emotive language to try and make people feel sorry for the children.

In reality, what OP means is that, long-term, she won't be able to care for the children and that they'll need to go and live with their biological family. It's not the same thing at all.

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 18:47

@Nordicrain there's plenty he can do.

He can talk to his ex wife and see what she thinks/wants/ has planned first. He could talk to the kids to find out what they would possibly want. He could make a will to provide for his kids. He could get life insurance to make sure the kids are provided for , or at least put OP's mind at ease from a financial point of view.

He hasn't done any of this. Instead he expects OP to pick up the slack, after not only paying for a funeral and what not ,but then being solely financially responsible for raising and housing two extra kids as a single parent on a single income.

He could do plenty, instead he's just running his mouth with no concrete action and then refusing to talk any further or actually sorting things out. That is NOT a good,responsible parent. That's a talk big, do fuck all parent.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 18:48

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 18:47

@Nordicrain there's plenty he can do.

He can talk to his ex wife and see what she thinks/wants/ has planned first. He could talk to the kids to find out what they would possibly want. He could make a will to provide for his kids. He could get life insurance to make sure the kids are provided for , or at least put OP's mind at ease from a financial point of view.

He hasn't done any of this. Instead he expects OP to pick up the slack, after not only paying for a funeral and what not ,but then being solely financially responsible for raising and housing two extra kids as a single parent on a single income.

He could do plenty, instead he's just running his mouth with no concrete action and then refusing to talk any further or actually sorting things out. That is NOT a good,responsible parent. That's a talk big, do fuck all parent.

Beautifully said 👏

Pluvia · 14/04/2023 18:49

And 👋from me too.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 18:49

Pluvia · 14/04/2023 18:42

"She hasn't mentioned turfing them out of the home."

She has, she has made clear they would not be living with her. She's hardly offering to move herself out - in fact she's stated that she would own the house on her husband's death.

Here's what OP said:* *

(he) asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some). There's no mention of throwing them out. OP is factually correct that if a family member on the father's or mother's side offered to have the children they would be favoured by social services because they are blood-relatives and the children have known them and been close to them longer than the OP. The OP is just the woman who married their father after he split up with their mother. The OP has rightly said very little about her relationship with her step-children but for all we know, it may be a difficult one. They may have special needs or challenging behaviour. She has her own children who will need her time and attention. Women are allowed to say no.

She also said:

Not saying they'd never see their half siblings again, obviously I'd ensure there was still a relationship but I just wouldn't expect them to literally live with

it should be their home not just yours

I think this is a bit simplistic surely? Because it wouldn't just be expecting me to give them a home to live in

I would still work with mums family on the sibling relationship between our children and DSC but thats very different to full time parenting four children.

I'd expect them to have a full time base with her family and I would arrange for them to see their siblings around that I guess. Like I say it's not a situation I've given tonnes of thought until last night.

She's not on about just not being fully responsible. She's made clear the extent of her expected involvement was facilitating a relationship with the siblings.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 18:50

In the event of his dying, OP might want to move house or even move area. Maybe to downsize to make it more affordable on her own. My point is, the dsc might not be compatible with this eg there’s now no bedroom for them in the new house. Dsc might be settled at school and it wouldn’t be in their best interests to move, granny is right there and dsc wouldn’t need to move schools.
What I’m trying to say is that OP would need to do what she needs to do adapt to her new life. And dsc might not realistically be able to be part of those changes.