AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

I can see why your DH is upset. Youve known his children for 6 years, they live with you 50% of the time and yet you don't appear to speak with any warmth towards them. I do understand that their mum's family may want to take them but for you to bluntly tell your DH that you would not be prepared step up and take responsibility has probably been a massive shock to him as he presumed (wrongly or rightly) that you love his children.

It's wrong to compare OPs children going to live with DSC's mum because OPs children do not live with DSC's mum 50% of the time.

It's a really difficult situation but coming from a blended family myself I cannot imagine being separated from my half siblings.

He is being ridiculous for not talking to her and sulking like a moody teenager. If it's that important and serious, surely he would
Surely almost any parent can how this could seem like a total deal breaker in the moment, even if they wouldn't feel that way themselves because eg they would assume SM's answer to be what it is. To assume it was a teenage sulk would seem to require a frankly mind-boggling lack of insight.

I just can't imagine being in a family with someone who would turf their kids out of the only home they have left, and from their family, if I died. It would be a wake up call that they didn't consider my kids their family. Which for me after 6+ years and marriage would be a deal breaker for me.

Good question. That would presumably mean that your home owuld be their only home. Your family their own direct family. You would really say, right, funeral's over, pack your stuff up you are off to live your nan. Jeez.

I can understand why he is potentially annoyed but I don't necessarily think he has the right to be. They aren't your children and if you don't have the mum type relationship I am not sure what he was expecting. He also needs to bear in mind in his 'hypothetical situation' you would have lost a husband and your own children a father too. I think you would have enough to be dealing with.

I think I would feel the same about DSC and even my own kids. My own kids I would want to be with my mum in that situation, not DP.

Equally, you're placing massive pressure on your partner by expecting them to take on your children on a full-time basis with absolutely no help.

There's a huge difference between being a step-parent and being a full-time single parent to children that aren't yours.

I'm incredibly surprised how many people seem to think their partners should want to take on the latter.

I agree @5128gap, it’s really a very important conversation to have and one of those questions that needs nailing down as part of a Will, which will give direction to the question of “if such and such happens, then what”? And sadly chains of events we can’t imagine ever happening can and do happen all the time.

I can see why you’re a bit thrown OP, as you clearly thought you were having a light discussion about a hypothetical situation. But I can see his point of view because perhaps he would have taken on your children if you died and it’s made him question your values and the security and happiness of his children. It would be better if he stopped sulking and recognised it as a catalyst for a pragmatic and objective conversation about what should happen.

I am assuming possibly incorrectly that he hasn’t got a Will? I find it a bit scary how many people haven’t got Wills in place when they have descendants (independent or otherwise), assets and potentially complicated family set ups.

I'm not surprised he's upset.why can't you see that is hurtful?
He's daft giving you the silent treatment,that's so immature,but I can understand how he feels.
You clearly cant.
Perhaps he is considering his future.

OP would have help though as she said the whole blended extended family of grandparents and aunts live in the same area. So yes, she would be a single parent but she wouldn't necessarily be without help.

OP and her DH should definitely have had this conversation long before now. It is entirely her right to feel the way she does but there has been a massive misunderstanding of expectations between her and DH.

What's upset him is learning that your view of your relationship, role and feelings towards his children is very different from his.

But he must surely also see that his kids staying 50% of the time & him parenting them is entirely different to Op parenting them 100% of the time?

Bob Geldof springs to mind

OP would have help though as she said the whole blended extended family of grandparents and aunts live in the same area. So yes, she would be a single parent but she wouldn't necessarily be without help.

You don't know they'd help, though. There are lots of threads on here where people get absolutely no help whatsoever.

And even if they did help, it's not the same as being in a partnership - she'd still be left as a full-time parent to children who aren't hers. That's an incredibly huge ask for anyone to take on, step-parent or not.

OP and her DH should definitely have had this conversation long before now. It is entirely her right to feel the way she does but there has been a massive misunderstanding of expectations between her and DH.

Absolutely - her DH is at fault for making assumptions and not speaking to her about this before marriage.

The one area where it is quite important and makes a lot of difference is in the financial provision he might make for them in his will.

Normally a wife might expect most of her husband's estate, including his share of their house, to be left to her.

But if some of his children are going to be looked after by relatives, not his wife, then I'd expect the husband in this case to make separate financial provision for them in his will so a large chunk of his assets would be set aside for their maintenance, to be available to the relatives caring for them.

So that's a conversation you might want to have with him, OP - given you wouldn't want to care for his children, what would a sensible division of assets look like?

Perhaps, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd be desperate to get rid of my kids, kicking them out of their home, if I died. I would want more for my kids than forcing them to share a life with an adult who cared so little for them.

Equally I would absolutely allow any step kids I might have to stay in their home had both their parents died.

How heartbreaking would that otherwise be for the kids - their parents are both dead and they can't even go home ot their own room/ bed or cuddle their siblings, or have some comfort from one of the 3 primary caregivers they have grown up with. Instead they are turfed out to live with whoever might take them on their mums side. It's basically the beginning of a kids movie isn't it?

I agree with this, I assume she would prefer her own family over toy.

I imagine she'll want all the money too. Afterall they will inherit from their materal side.

It does always amaze me that people do not have a will specifying this. Only parents have parental responsibility- anyone else would need to be specified in a will. Or social services get involved

in situations like this both parents should have a conversation because the maternal grandparents support from the OP makes sense.

I think in the scenario where both parents die where I would probably expect the stepparent to step up most would be if the other parent died first and then the DSC were living full-time with the remaining parent and the step-parent, and then that remaining parent died (and there were half siblings in the mix too)

I'm assuming if the ex died, it would be assumed DSC would move in with dad full-time and not do 50:50 with the grandparents

As soon as you have children you should write a will

OP would probably prefer not.

Then maybe he should consider actually having a will and life insurance in place, rather than just expecting OP to pick up the slack,including financially, with no provisions.

Or maybe he's realised his wife doesn't consider his kids family, and is considering whether he wants his kids to continue growing up with an adult would would rather be without them if it wasn't for him.

Best just to say you would really want to but it would be dependent on the circumstances at the time and what was best for them. These hyperthetical situations never end well. Nobody really knows how they would react under a given set of traumatic circumstances.

Perhaps, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who'd be desperate to get rid of my kids, kicking them out of their home, if I died. I would want more for my kids than forcing them to share a life with an adult who cared so little for them.

Where does it say OP would be "desperate to kick them out of there home"? She's just said she wouldn't want to become their full-time carer.

And you can care a great deal about someone without wanting to become their sole carer - some of the dramatic language on this thread is quite something and makes me incredibly glad I am not a step-parent - the expectations on them are absolutely crazy.

You’re making it sound so simple and like everyone will just tick by nicely.