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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

1000 replies

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:50

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

OP posts:
CamoFlamingo · 14/04/2023 16:04

Mythril · 14/04/2023 11:02

Honestly I would have thought that family members of your DH or his ex would want the children. It would be a bit odd for them to remain with a woman who was no relation to them.

I think it's fine for you to be honest about this. Step children are not the same, they aren't yours and if you split with their parent you might never see them again! So the relationship can never be the same.

I think he is unreasonable for insisting it is the same.

I totally agree with this and your DH is BU.

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 16:08

toomuchlaundry · 14/04/2023 15:59

How old are the grandparents?

I don't know exactly but relatively young, in their 50s I'd say

OP posts:
usedtobeasizeten · 14/04/2023 16:10

YANBU

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 16:12

C152 · 14/04/2023 16:03

While I can see the logic to your response, and fair enough if that's the way you feel, I do think YABU to not see why your DH is upset. This is a serious topic and he's made an assumption about something incredibly important to him and has just discovered his assumption was wrong. It's a massive shock when that happens. And whilst this was a hypothetical discussion, shitty things do happen. None of us know when we're going to die or life takes a drastic turn and he does need to put in place plans for his kids (if he hasn't already got a will).

You don't need to apologise for being honest, but I think you need to drop the attitude that he's being ridiculous. I would try to initiate a discussion and say you were caught off guard and such a serious topic warrants a further discussion. Then say something like, although you care for step kids, you feel they have a better parental bond with grandparents and ask what he thinks and whether he wants you to listen/give feedback on how he plans to manage this aspect of his will.

He is being ridiculous for not talking to her and sulking like a moody teenager. If it's that important and serious, surely he would sit down to OP and discuss all the practicalities of it. You'd also think he'd bring this up as a proper conversation , not during a silly,lighthearted hypotheticals discussion.

One would also assume if he was that bothered about his children's future and wellbeing, he would have a will and life insurance in place , not just expect his current wife to pick up the slack entirely.

That's why he's ridiculous.

itsgettingweird · 14/04/2023 16:12

I can see why he's upset.

Surely you can too?

You've basically told him if they were to lose both biological parents who they spend 50% of the time with each were to die the other 'parent' they spend 50% of the time with wouldn't take them on and care for them.

Would you not even consider 50/50 with the maternal grandparents?

JussathoB · 14/04/2023 16:12

I might have missed it, but PP don’t seem to realise that DH might be thinking about the important point that the step children and the children are half siblings and not THAT far apart in age. So rather than considering the motherhood angle ( which obviously I know is important!) he is thinking it would be really desirable to have all his four biological children grow up together if their parents died before they were adults.
Not saying it’s easy. Tbh the issue of who is to raise your children if you die before they are early twenties is a very tricky one all round.

DemelzaandRoss · 14/04/2023 16:14

It’s extremely harsh to presume the siblings might never see each other again. That would be rather sad. The experiences of blended families can be very varied.
I would not and didn’t enter into a relationship where the ‘my children/your children’ is such a divide. Clearly other people do.
Therefore I would still feel sympathy with the DH in this situation.

letsgotothebeachyay · 14/04/2023 16:14

Surely its a simple conversation - if your partner and the step kids mum die then the kids would be looked after by the closest relatives - in this case u said the grandparents. If they too were not around, and any other close relatives were also not around and the kids only option was a care home - Im assuming - and your partners assuming - in that case you would step in and support them ?

JustAnotherManicNameChange · 14/04/2023 16:14

JussathoB · 14/04/2023 16:12

I might have missed it, but PP don’t seem to realise that DH might be thinking about the important point that the step children and the children are half siblings and not THAT far apart in age. So rather than considering the motherhood angle ( which obviously I know is important!) he is thinking it would be really desirable to have all his four biological children grow up together if their parents died before they were adults.
Not saying it’s easy. Tbh the issue of who is to raise your children if you die before they are early twenties is a very tricky one all round.

So if OP and he died, it would be fine for him to assume his ex took their children in as all siblings should live together?

Lb603 · 14/04/2023 16:17

I don't think you're being entirely unreasonable, but I wouldn't be surprised if your husband left you now?

To me this is pretty savage, you don't speak warmly about your SC at all, and it reads very much like an us and them situation, I actually feel really sorry for them.

If it was me and they were already living with me 50% of the time I'd absolutely offer the option for them to be there 100%.

Original poster
GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 16:19

Would you not even consider 50/50 with the maternal grandparents?

Probably not no, I don't really see the benefit to the children of that either tbh. Id ensure they still saw their half siblings but I don't think that means they need to be moved around all the time. Should they go to their mum's partner too for some of the time? 35% with me 35% with their mum's partner, 30% with grandparents? It just gets a bit silly imo. I'd expect them to have a full time base with her family and I would arrange for them to see their siblings around that I guess. Like I say it's not a situation I've given tonnes of thought until last night.

OP posts:
DemelzaandRoss · 14/04/2023 16:20

I don’t suppose the ex has any input with OP’s children at all. DH’s children do have a significant relationship with OP as do their siblings. Therefore it would not be relevant to place the children with someone they don’t know.

BellePeppa · 14/04/2023 16:22

They’re your children’s half siblings yes? No wonder he’s not talking to you.

Nordicrain · 14/04/2023 16:25

Yes I would absolutely be upset by this. In fact it would make me reconsider my whole relationship. I have a step mum and we were never mum/ daughter close at all. I just can't even imagine a situation where she would have left me to go to random relatives rather than let me stay in my home with my (half and step) siblings. So to me, YABU.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 14/04/2023 16:25

Some people are assuming that the children would prefer to live with the grandparents/ aunt rather than the op but we don’t know that. It’s not about fighting over them but giving them a choice as to what they would consider home.

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 16:26

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 16:19

Would you not even consider 50/50 with the maternal grandparents?

Probably not no, I don't really see the benefit to the children of that either tbh. Id ensure they still saw their half siblings but I don't think that means they need to be moved around all the time. Should they go to their mum's partner too for some of the time? 35% with me 35% with their mum's partner, 30% with grandparents? It just gets a bit silly imo. I'd expect them to have a full time base with her family and I would arrange for them to see their siblings around that I guess. Like I say it's not a situation I've given tonnes of thought until last night.

That’s a very sensible answer and you make total sense I’m everything you say.

A good point about the other stepparent too. 35% with each, because I mean why should he be let off the hook if stepparents should step up in these situations? Of course though like you say, it’s just silly and ridiculous and it just wouldn’t happen. And it’s of no surprise that it’s the man who would be let off the hook.

They need one base and you work around that on an ad hoc basis. I have no doubts you would maintain a relationship with between the siblings. just nothing concrete like a contact schedule!

Like you said, you’ve never really thought about this and understandably so.

Bhyr358 · 14/04/2023 16:27

GCAcademic · 14/04/2023 11:11

As if any man would ever take on the role of full-time single parent to their step children. Half of them can't even be arsed with their own kids.

Does DH's ex have a partner, OP? If so, I bet he's not in the frame for taking on the kids.

Show quote history

I know, ridiculous isn't it? I'm not a step parent nor will I ever be one, but I've read enough step parenting threads on here to know the the majority of stepmothers at best tolerate their step kids, they generally don't love them and often don't like them. Why on earth would a step mother want to take on sole responsibility for her step kids?

I'd also like to know if this scenario has been posed to the partner of OP's ex, if she has one.

KitKatLove · 14/04/2023 16:27

In this hypothetical scenario you have forgotten the children both the step children and those that you have together. They all will have lost their father and some both parents. How can you make it about what you want? What if hypothetically they want to be close to their siblings? I’m sure Bob geldof didn’t think he’d ever take on the role of parent to Michael Hutchence child but he recognised that she needed to to be close with her siblings after her father and mother died. I’m not a fan of not talking/sulking’ but I don’t blame him.

itsmylife7 · 14/04/2023 16:28

No idea if this has been mentioned but surely the immediate blood family would have automatic rights.

At the end of the day OP just happens to be with the children's dad. she's got no right to have the children?

comingintomyown · 14/04/2023 16:37

Goneblank38 · 14/04/2023 11:04

I'd be upset if I was your husband too. I think he's right - it does indicate how you feel about the kids and he's obviously a bit thrown that you wouldn't step up for them in such a situation, as unlikely as it is. That you seem so surprised by his response suggests a slight lack of emotional intelligence I think.

Absolutely this

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 16:38

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 14/04/2023 16:25

Some people are assuming that the children would prefer to live with the grandparents/ aunt rather than the op but we don’t know that. It’s not about fighting over them but giving them a choice as to what they would consider home.

People are assuming the other way too about wanting to be with their stepparent and that they will be traumatised if they aren’t.

niugboo · 14/04/2023 16:38

Ask him if his ex wife has left all her assets to you.

Bamboux · 14/04/2023 16:42

funinthesun19 · 14/04/2023 16:38

People are assuming the other way too about wanting to be with their stepparent and that they will be traumatised if they aren’t.

Show quote history

I think it's not a huge stretch to think that children who have lost both their parents might want to live 1. With their siblings and 2. In the home they already live in half the time.

GnomeDePlume · 14/04/2023 16:42

This is MN where all the saints who would (in theory) take on stepchildren 'in a heartbeat' can be found.

The reality, as OP well realises, would be far more complicated and protracted. Nothing the OP has said suggests she would throw these DC's out into the wind and rain. Immediate decisions would be made then a longer term plan would be worked out.

namechange3394 · 14/04/2023 16:43

GroundFogDay · 14/04/2023 10:55

He was asking what I would do if both he and their mum died. So both of their parents gone, would they live with me, I answered no.

Show quote history

Wouldn't it depend what order they died in? If DH died second would you really chuck the kids out?

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