AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Guaranteed if OP’s scenario happened and she told step-kids’ DGPs that she would be raising the step-kids, she would be told on AIBU that she is being unreasonable to think she has more rights to the step-kids than their grand parents.

@ConcordeOoter who she is?

You mean someone that actually knows the situation and the relationships dynamics ? Someone who is in a position to judge what would be better for the children ? Someone who made the rational assumption that closer familial/blood relationships would take precedence? Someone who actually thought of the logistics and practicalities of it all ?

She married him, he has most likely thought that in forming a family unit they are both mum and dad to all their DC and they will get the choice. It happens a lot. If OP lets them call her mum that may be another reason to assume this.

I think if you take a nuanced or conditional view of this the ideal time to say it is before getting married, but it can't be helped.

You can love kids and still not want to become their single parent.

I would be absolutely devastated. In fact, I would feel as though I had made a mistake in my choice of partner.

If my ex and I both unexpectedly passed at the same time, I would like to think that my oldest would still be in a joint custody arrangement of some sort with her stepparents, as she has siblings at both homes. Aside from the necessary differences of her dad being in her life and her being 8 when they met, my husband treats her just like his own (our) children. They honestly have a great relationship and as stupid as it sounds, she takes after him.

If he wouldn’t continue to raise her in my absence, I would very much regret my choice in a partner. Marrying a person with a child is choosing to be a spouse and stepPARENT. It sounds like you only agreed to be a spouse, something it seems he didn’t realize before.

Guaranteed if OP’s scenario happened and she told step-kids’ DGPs that she would be raising the step-kids, she would be told on AIBU that she is being unreasonable to think she has more rights to the step-kids than their grand parents.

Exactly @Ktime.

The expectations on here for step-parents are utterly ridiculous.

How would that work when a step-parent has no legal rights and no parental rights?

Relationship dynamics and logistics that make it a total shock to the other parent in the family?

Who she is, is fine even if you don't like the turn of phrase. I know a SM who didn't want any kids that weren't hers, preferred to send them to "real relatives" and slept like a baby that night considering everyone better off, that's who she is and nobody really judges her for it. Better for everyone to know than for it to be a surprise, a person DC call mum who is faking unconditional strong attachment is just going to create bad outcomes.

It’s a sensible view, surely? Considering you’re responsible for your children, it’s best not to assume anything.

if he did believe OP was willing to take his children on as her own, without even asking her for her opinion on the matter, then that’s entirely his fault. At best he’s an idiot if that’s the case, tbh.

@5128gap I agree with you

I expect OP's DH is blindsided by realising that OP is less committed to his children than he had realised. The fact that the scenario is unlikely is neither here nor there

To answer a few questions

• DSC are currently 9 & 13.

• I've been with their dad for 6 years and married for 2.

• our children are 3 & 1

• their mum does have a partner, they aren't married and do not have children together. I think they get on well with him but much like me they don't have a parent - child relationship with him, I can't imagine him taking them either, he also has older children from his previous relationship.

• a few people have asked what I'd do if mum had died first and they lived with us full time when dad died. Tbh I don't think it would change my stance, they are very close to mum's family and I don't know why that would changed if they lived with us full time, I'd still imagine their mum's family wanting to be the ones to take them in and I'd be happy for that.

• I would still work with mums family on the sibling relationship between our children and DSC but thats very different to full time parenting four children.

• our house is owned joint tenants.

• no he doesn't have life insurance or a will (another thread, I've told him before he needs to be better with stuff like this but he's lazy with things like this, I have both life insurance and a will, one policy pays out to DH and the other goes into trust for my children when they turn 18).

Sorry if I've missed any questions.

Arguably, but as I said the assumption is common.

For that matter if you see marriage as a permanent commitment and bond, you might well need explicitly telling "but not your kids"... sensibly that is more (maybe) a boyfriend or girlfriend to some people, than a marriage and family.

I think perhaps you phrased it badly. There is a big difference between “I wonder if perhaps their Mum would like [named] to be their guardian.” and “No fucking chance matey!”

If you and him died, would you want your kids to live with her and their siblings?

The reality would be complicated.

In a small part of his brain he sees all mother figures as interchangeable. 'Of course @GroundFogDay will step in!'

He is now shocked to discover that wife#2 is not an immediate mother substitute for wife#1 in the scenario where his older DCs will need to be looked after.

'How dare she not fall into line with my assumptions. Dammit! Now I'm going to have to give it proper thought'

OP being intelligent and knowing she isn't an automatic mother substitute suggests other rational alternatives.

<DH goes off in a huff>

If you and him died, would you want your kids to live with her and their siblings?

No of course not.

It may be common, but then so is stupidity.

The one that has children is the one who has the responsibility to ascertain the feelings of their partner. It’s not for the partner to consider the children more than their actual parent does. If the parent fails to do so that’s on them.

YABU. This must have been really hard for him to hear. I understand it's the way you feel and you were being honest, so you were right to do so. Although you must understand why he is so affected by it. I'd be totally reevaluating my relationship in this situation.

You go to court. It’d generally be considered in the best interest of the child and custody awarded because their stepparent is a parental figure with which they have (ideally) bonded and would allow for maintaining the child’s current living arrangement (offering stability).
In the unusual case of step parents having joint custody, I’m referring a living arrangement more so, as the court is likely to only grant custody to one of the stepparents.

How old are the grandparents?

He’s not being silly at all. This is the sort of thing that would make me reconsider the relationship. That’s not to say that it’s always going to be the right thing for the step-parent to step in- that depends on circumstances- but the fact that the two of you are so far apart in your expectations of your relationship with the children is a real problem.

Exactly!

The OP says they were together for 4 years before marriage. That was plenty of time to see how OP interacts with his children and to speak about how she feels in regards to taking on that responsibility.

I understand his upset, but he was also a bit too carefree in assuming they were on the same page.

Yes.

I think OP is fundamentally NBU for approaching this from a position of forthright honesty.

There is no happy ending to this story without being sensible and truthful, and that is the path OP has chosen.

We originally had friends down as potential guardians for DC in the event both of us died. They lived near us and all our children were close. They have since moved away so changed our will to have MIL as guardian. So doesn’t have to be blood relatives to be guardians. DC now 18 so not needed now

I can see this and I'm not a SM

Me too. I’m not one either. To me it’s just basic common sense that this isn’t as simple as people are making it out to be. If the stepparent is willing able to take the children then brilliant, but what if they’re not for whatever reason? They’re not horrible people for saying no.

What if the children themselves don’t want to be with their stepparent? Me personally, I would have hated it and I would have wanted to be with my grandparents who I was much closer to.

I was also a stepparent at one point. I wouldn’t have felt comfortable having dsc live with me when dsc had multiple relatives on both sides of the family. A nanna just down the road who they are extremely close to. I just think it would have been unfair on me and dsc to put us both in that position. Not to mention my children who would need me more than dsc would. I think if dsc had absolutely nobody I would have felt different and we would have muddled through together, dsc potentially hating it of course. But I wouldn’t have resented dsc being with me in those circumstances.
But the fact is when the child has about 8-10 relatives in a better position to have the dsc than me, I would probably have resented being the one to hold that responsibility.

Of course never going to happen, ever.

While I can see the logic to your response, and fair enough if that's the way you feel, I do think YABU to not see why your DH is upset. This is a serious topic and he's made an assumption about something incredibly important to him and has just discovered his assumption was wrong. It's a massive shock when that happens. And whilst this was a hypothetical discussion, shitty things do happen. None of us know when we're going to die or life takes a drastic turn and he does need to put in place plans for his kids (if he hasn't already got a will).

You don't need to apologise for being honest, but I think you need to drop the attitude that he's being ridiculous. I would try to initiate a discussion and say you were caught off guard and such a serious topic warrants a further discussion. Then say something like, although you care for step kids, you feel they have a better parental bond with grandparents and ask what he thinks and whether he wants you to listen/give feedback on how he plans to manage this aspect of his will.