AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

ooh hard one, I am a step child and no bloody way would i have wanted either of my step mums to be my guardian/parent - they werent my mum? they were/are my dads new wives
However, I would have probably expected to stay living with my step dad cos that was our home - none of that 50/50 stuff in my choldhood

My dad did and my step-siblings' father was still in the picture. DF considered them his children and they wanted to stay with him, so that's what he supported. I actually think he would have been distraught to lose them as well as his wife.

OP, you can have whatever feelings you want on this of course, but I can understand why your DH is upset. Your response does mean that you don't consider them to be equal to your own children. That's of course fine (and as you've said you aren't playing a mother role) but I suspect your DH hadn't accepted/acknowledged it. That said, don't ask if you don't want to know the answer!

Agree with this

YANBU in any way shape or form.

I think the split in answers here will (in most cases but not all) be grouped by step parents vs non step parents.

Of all the step families I know, if mum and dad both died then the DSC would go and live with someone in their respective biological families (eg aunt, uncle, grandparents on either mum or dad’s side of the family). None of the DSC I know would be expected to remain living with any step parents.

I always find mumsnet a bit funny about step relationships. Some people seem to believe you must instantly fall in love with your step kids, that you must always want them around, that you must love them as much as you love your own children. While this would be the case in an ideal world we don’t live in an ideal world and I think it is only in that ideal world that people would expect OP to take over parenting the DSC if their parents died.

Maybe it’s because I don’t have a blended family or have never been part of a blended family but I can’t see what on earth you said wrong?!

I’d have said exactly the same as you.

And by asking this ludicrous question it feels like he was setting you up for failure.

@ConcordeOoter or imagine it this way.

Not having the possibility of staying in your home and having to move, seeing your past and life with mum sold or given to charity. Or instead of living with your loving grandparents, who you are very close to, who can keep your mum's memory alive, who understand what you are going through, whom you are used to being looked after and are a concrete connection to your mum, having to live with OP who is all right, but not really a parental figure and you're not that close with,leave it all behind , etc. just because your dad (and sanctimonious MN posters)decided it would be so .

Or even worse, being dragged through a lengthy custody battle, especially if your deceased parents' wishes are at odds with each other.

When DH is able to talk properly about this can you put proper plans in place both legal and financial for any future scenarios involving care of children if any parents die. Most people I know do that when children are born (either godparents or make sure siblings agree to be guardians if parents both die). It needs to be clear who would look after them and where the funding would come from eg house sale.

Actually it's worse. You're expected to take parental responsibility, always put them first, love them as your own etc, while at the same time you have no say or rights in disciplining them, their parenting, arrangements and you have to be very mindful of not stepping on their mum's toes or pretending to be their mum. But you need to act and love them like they are yours, but don't overstep. And repeat.

A step mum's place is normally in the wrong.

I’m a bit surprised this conversation hasn’t come up before. Did you never talk about who you want to raise your mutual children if something happens to both of you? That would be the time when I would expect him to tell you about any discussions he and his ex have had, including if they want to have their wills stipulate that their mutual children would go to you.

As the one with responsibility for his children, the onus was on him to establish OP’s feelings on the matter before he married her. All the talk about ‘stepmothers know what they’re getting into!’, as if they have greater responsibility for the children than the actual parent does.

There isn’t a ‘mum shaped hole’ in the family. They have a mother.

I’m not sure why other people (mumsnetters) think they get any say in how a stepmother considers their role. They don’t at all, no matter how mad about it they want to get 🤷🏻‍♀️

I can see why he’s upset. They live with you 50:50 of the time

And he's around, presumably, for much of that time to help out with his children. OP manages with all four children because she knows that in a day or two they'll be back with their DM and she'll have a couple of days' respite.

And then the worst happens: they are orphaned and traumatised and possibly not happy about living full-time with OP because perhaps they've never liked her very much. She's newly widowed and dealing with her children's grief and also now the stepchildren's, which will be complicated — they've lost both parents. And of course, unless DH organised good life insurance policies and made a sensible will, OP may not be in a position to keep the house and all the children. The stepchildren's mother may have put all the money she's left to her children in a trust that they can't access till they're 21. Maybe DH has left his half of the house to the four children. It could all be the most phenomenal mess.

Which is why anyone marrying a person who has children would be ill-advised to promise to take the children on in the case of both parents dying and anyone with children who enters into a marriage shouldn't assume their new spouse will do so. And this is all theoretical, because this is a one-in-a-million chance anyway.

id be the same op-was he really sp surprised have you previously told him anything why he would assume you would take them on

I don’t even have children, but I have a husband. If I had a child that was just mine living with us at least 50% of the time, I would find it very difficult to hear my husband say that if I died my child would be out on its arse and would need to find another relative to live with. I am not even a parent and I can understand how that would be hard to hear, it would certainly make me question my husband.

You have already said that it s unlikely to happen and it is likely there would be other relatives involved, but surely you would be one of the options to be weighed up and would be willing to at least consider it for these children that currently live with you!

I think your OH was very wrong in how he sprung this on you it obviously wasn't nbd. I think you say something along the lines of - I'd never really thought about it and had no idea how good any of the other options might be. But as parents its not a bad idea to talk about and agree plans for if something goes wrong
I'd suggest to try breaking it down into steps

Situation 1

you and your DH are fine his ex dies your 2dsc now need alternate habitation arrangements.

Do YOU want them to live with you all the time? what practical barriers would need to be overcome to make this work?

Would your DH want them to live with you all the time? what practical issues / possible solutions does he see?

Would their mum want them to live with you full time?

Would the DSC want this or are there any other relatives g/parents aunts and uncles that the kids would prefer? If so what do those relatives think about this.

I think in general MN would not criticise a Dad who would want full custody of his kids if their mum died, but you only need to look at the 'should I have another baby' threads to realise this is a very complicated and involved decision.

IF and only if you get to a place where you're all happy and comfortable with the fact that the kids concerned would come to you two if their mum died and just how you'd cope with that is it even fair to ask the question of what would happen if their mum and dad were to die simultaneously in apparently unrelated ways... I'm still not persuaded that'd be a helpful question though.

If what you need is enough money to buy a bigger house and enough to take a couple of three years unpaid to be a full time mum, tell him that and suggest he gets an appropriate life insurance policy.

I think it depends on who dies first. If their mother dies first, meaning they move in with you and DH full-time, then he dies at a later date, it would be pretty cold to throw them out then. But if DH dies first, then their mother dies later, it would be strange to turn up at their door to claim them for yourself.

Exactly. It’s wearisome.

Oh I have already said that OP is NBU for disclosing who she is and her intentions. No child should be saddled with a stepparent that doesn't want them, or who is trying to fake it, and frankly the whole family should know this situation is waiting to unfold, it is a kindness to let them know ahead of time.

I don't know why you are confusing DC having to stay with mum rather than being the ones given the choice by a loving family, though. Those two things are not the same at all, there is no overlap.

One answer could and should have been that it wouldn't be up to you to decide. If he hasn't put anything about this in his will - and it sounds as if he hasn't - then the strong likelihood is that his ex's wishes would be followed, and it's likely she would want her family to have care.

I sense you haven't heard the last of this 'silly' thing, and it's likely to have lasting repercussions on your relationship.

Whilst you're entitled to not want them, I understand why he's hurt.

I'm amazed though why it didn't matter to him sooner that you didn't feel particularly close to them.

I guess in that unlikely event you might still have them 50/50 and the other half they go to their grandparents as you said they're close with them? But what if the grandparents die tragically as well...

I don't know. I mean if you marry someone with kids there is always going to be this very minor possibility.

I think unfortunately this is one of those situations where what you're saying and what he's hearing are two different things. You said, quite reasonably, you think the children would go to other relatives. He hears 'meh, they're not my kids, I don't want them'. In some ways I don't think he's wrong. I can see why he's upset but he's dealing with it badly.

If he is thinking about wills you need to revisit this calmly when the dust has settled. Explain you think it's better for the children to go to other blood relatives. Talk about how they could maintain the relationship with their half siblings.

FWIW, I would taken on my DP's child if something like this happened. But she's mid teens, so it's not like I'd be having to take on a small child and committing to years of school pick ups. And her blood relatives live a long way off, so in some ways I'm closer to her and would offer more stability than they would. It's not necessarily a step/ non-step split. As a step parent, I would do this but there are so many variables to everyone's situations.

I agree, there is a huge expectation put on SMs by MN to be both the perfect parent while at the same time not acting as a parent in case someone accuses them of over-stepping/interfering.

I can see this and I'm not a SM

A step parent is a relative.

^^ Only by marriage @ThisNameIsNotAvailable - OP currently has no rights over them whatsoever. She's not an adoptive parent so she has no parental responsibility - she's "just" their dad's wife.

Step-parents can't win. If they act like a proper parent and step up as "mum", they're told they're interfering and taking over, but they're also expected to take full responsibility when the parents die?

It's a shit show regardless.

I think he's overreacting, with the silent treatment. I may have missed it, but I didn't see ages of the children mentioned, and that might affect things. If the children are older, don't have that type of 'treat you like a second mum' relationship with you, and have close family they can live with, he probably shouldn't be quite this shocked by your response. He may not like it, on a gut level, but he should be able to understand it.

I'd possibly reassure him that if this were ever to happen and they didn't have close family as a superior option for them, you'd obviously be there for them, but this might be a case of least said, soonest mended.

It's also not just his decision is it?

Their mum might have ideas of what she would like to happen in this scenario.