AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

Again, missed my point completely. OP clearly wouldn't expect the ex to suddenly take her children. That's not going to happen. It's irrelevant, I'm not sure why you think that should even be discussed.

This is about OP taking in children she's bonded with and who she's lived with. Who may not have anyone else. It's completely different.

We clearly have very different views, so agree to disagree

YANBU unless the grandparents are not alive or if them and any aunts and uncles are undesirable in someway.

Well quite honestly if something happened to both of my children's parents it would be my mum I'd want them to go to. I obviously can't say exactly how I'd feel in reverse because I'm not in that position but I imagine that wouldn't change really.

and if your mum turned round and said, actually ive got my own life they need to go to you dh mum aka your mil - how would you feel?

Why is it assume OP has bonded with her DSC? Is it because it’s assumed OP doing the cooking and cleaning for DSC?

OP, does he take care of his own kids? Does he expect you to be present always?

Yes she wouldn’t expect it, because there would be a relative to take her children (presumably).

So why not the same for dsc? Why couldn’t dsc go to their grandparents or their aunt the same way OP’s children would?

@RememberingGoodTimes but we know the children do have someone else. In fact, several someone else's (grandparents and aunt) with whom they have closer relationships than they do with OP.

So who would the kids actually be better off with? Have you actually thought about that or just did like OP's husband and went on a "you don't love the kids!!" rant?

I can see why he’s upset. They live with you 50:50 of the time so assuming no other step parent on the other side I would expect them to live with you and their half siblings rather than a house they have never lived in.
It is a hypothetical situation that is unlikely to happen but it could happen and it’s good that he is at least thinking it through.
I can see why it would impact how he sees you and your family.

I haven't rtft but it just reminded me of when me and DH had one of these hypothetical scenario chats and also ended up not talking for ages!

Ours was if we won the lottery, what we would do with the money!

My point exactly.

No doubt the answer to this will be “half siblings…”

Based on this attitude I hope he is leaving a share of his assets to the children rather than all to you in his will. In which case they would own part of the house and you would likely need to move if not looking after them.

YANBU. Not all stepmothers take on a motherly role, and it doesn’t sound like you have either.

he’s unreasonable for assuming. If he wanted a wife that was willing to take on his children as her own he should have been clear about that from the beginning, and certainly well before he married and had children with you.

Presumably this would also include the children he has with her?

I used to teach two teens who's mum died, and they did remain with their stepfather.

Their mum had terminal cancer - she and their stepdad only got married once they knew she was terminal and he adopted them at that point specifically so that the children could stay with him and their late father's family would not be able to challenge it.

They actually came into school to a special staff meeting to explain (in a completely matter of fact way - she was an astonishingly brave woman) because she wanted her children to have all the support possible and felt this would be best achieved if all their teachers had all the information.

Both children were lovely and the situation was further complicated by the fact that the boy had global delay.

It was a very specific situation though - there were no other children and their biological father had died when they were both very small - neither could remember life before their stepdad being their dad.

Obviously a stepparent who first meets their partner's children as older children or teens and where the other parent is very much alive and has them 50% (or more) has an utterly different relationship to the stepchildren.

I think what you said will have sounded really gross and taken you down in his estimation

but I think yanbu because it is better to be authentic and tell the truth than to be deceitful and ultimately let yourself and everyone else down, especially DSC who you do not want are far better off knowing it

Equally OP should ensure her half of the property goes to her DC alone. And DH’s half is split between all his children.

And the half siblings are used to a dynamic where they don’t see each other everyday. Hardly traumatic for them to carry that sort of dynamic on when it’s something they are familiar with. Even if they did live together full time for a couple of years in the event of their mother’s death and they all lived with their father, it still wouldn’t be erased from their memory that they didn’t see each other every day when one of them was split between two houses.
They know they would be safe at granny’s house. And loved and cared for. Their half sibling can come and stay and have lots of sleepovers if it’s their paternal grandma. And vice versa I’m sure op would have dsc over a few times.
And it takes the sting out of op bringing them up alone.

I think if your husband died first and your contact with the children decreased significantly then it would be acceptable to not have them necessarily move in with you after the death of their mum but if their mum dies now and they live with you full time for several years and your husband then dies would you really kick them out of their house. They would grieving their dad, having already lost their mum previously, and will then be forced to move and rejected by you.

Hmm. I can see why he's hurt tbh. To me if you're married they ARE family to you just like to their grandparents, aunts, uncles etc and more so in that they spend more time with you, live with you part of the time etc.

However I've been a step parent and would have said the same! 🤷 I think it very much depends on so many things. Relationship dynamics between you all, how often they're with you, how close they are to other relatives, etc. My step kids had close family members they saw a lot, I spent a lot of time with them but their mum was sensitive that I didn't step on toes and I always respected that and acted more like an aunt or family friend with them rather than another parent.

I have two kids of very different ages and two different dad's. I know if I died my ex would bite all other relatives hands off to have my eldest live with him. ❤️ He is more of a dad to him than his real dad. He treats both of my kids exactly the same. It's an absolute weight off my mind knowing someone loves him as much as I do and as equally as the youngest.

I can see both sides I guess is what I am saying.

This is a good point!

Would their mum's current partner have them 50% and the OP 50% in the dad's imaginary unlikely scenario?

I think the expectation on OP to look after two grief stricken and potentially traumatised children / teens who have lost both parents would be immense and unfair. The step-parent would need to be extremely willing and committed to make it work.

Tbh I do think that if their mum died first, and they ended up with OP and her DH and then he died, then yes, they should keep staying with OP. Normally in situations like these it's about maintaining the status quo and what would be the least disruptive for the children.

I don't know how OP would feel in that situation or what she would do as she hasn't clarified that yet.

Of course she has a choice. No court is going to force an unrelated person to take on children.

Exactly. A grandparent can give them more of their time and energy to support them through their grief. Again, like I keep wittering on about, op will have her own children and herself to support mentally, financially, physically. The teens will have space to think and op will have space to get her shit together without wondering how she will support them plus her own.

I mean that's one way of looking at it. Imagine finding out you have married someone who will intentionally deprive them of another parent if DF dies, because when all's said and done "I know your dad's dead and all but I just don't really want you". Imagine being those kids.

Truthfully if you're occupying the mum-shaped hole in the family I think eventually people will start to assume you give a shit.

This thread has made me realise how lucky I was to find a husband that loves my child as his own. I actually thought it was quite normal for step parents to start loving their step child unconditionally over time if they met when young. My son loves his step dad more than his dad.