AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

The problem is that OP didn't automatically think 'that's a shame for the SDCs' - even hypothetically - she jumped instead to 'they're not staying here'. It's quite a telling response. And she lacked the empathy and emotional intelligence to realise this might be an emotional topic for her DH.

Not ridiculous at all. A lot of posters think OP should automatically have them because "half siblings ". If that's the case, then the same should apply to OP's children if her and her husband died.

Of course YANBU. If my ex and I both died my kids would go to my sister - their biological aunt, and not my DP. My DSIS and I have had this hypothetical reciprocal arrangement since the birth of her child - the eldest of the cousins. I would still love them to have a relationship with DP but they’d live with blood relatives.

So they are with you and DM 50/50 now, if anything happens to DH does he think DM would still expect them to come to yours 50/50%?

No of course not, keep contact with siblings yes, but I very much doubt they would expect to live 50/50 with someone, not a blood relative, so in his scenario if he goes first then his ex he expects everyone's lives to be upturned, and then carted off to live with someone who is not a blood relative.
Bizzar thinking.

That’s very true. People are just hiding behind the half sibling thing to keep OP in her place.

If it’s that important for them to be together, then surely they should be together if OP and her husband both die? The dsc’s mum could adopt them or something. That would be nice.

YABU.

If I were your partner, I'd be deeply hurt. You're expecting him to accept that you'd just wash your hands of them and hope they ended up with some family somewhere?

Whatever you may actually feel, I think you've been pretty insensitive and most parents would feel similarly.

I scare myself regularly by worrying what would happen if my partner and I died, it's a big deal, you could have handled it better.

This. OP is beyond unreasonable.

That's not the same at all. She presumably sees her step children regularly and has built a strong relationship with them.

I highly doubt her children know her partner's ex well at all. It's completely different.

It's about having humanity and compassion for children, not having hiding behind the 'half sibling thing'

I know a family where this happened. DM died from cancer. DH2 kept their kids; her DC from a previous marriage went to her parents. DH2 felt it was for the best, apparently. All DC were school age so no huge age gaps.

Humanity and compassion for children. Yeah. What about OP’s children who would need all of her?

@GCAcademic

My husband would. We had this conversation yesrs ago when my now adult daugher was a lot younger. He considers her his daughter and loves her as such.

He blindsided you and ... I would add ... is also being a bit naive.

His kids would, all things being equal, be better off with an aunt, or GPs, who will see bits of themselves, or him, or other relations in those kids, and understand them that bit better.

Sure you know them, sure, you're an experienced parent, but in my own experience (I'm a stepchild myself and have near relations who WERE orphaned and didn't have the best of times) the people to start with are the biological relatives who know and love the kids.

No, it's not an absolute rule. But from what you say, it applies here.

Of course he wants to believe that his kids are so adorable anyone would leap to have them. This does prompt the question of how much day to day childcare he does right now...

I can't imagine ever saying what you said OP. That must have been very hard for your DH to hear (however hypothetical it was!)

What he's actually 'heard', is that you don't really care about his children...whether that was your intention or not! Very cruel.

I think you misunderstood my post, @funinthesun19

I don't think the OP does have a responsibility.

And I also think the children's blood relations - as they have a close relationship - would have something to say about who they live with.

It raised a lot of eye brows locally when people found out how the DC had been split up.

I highly doubt her children know her partner's ex well at all. It's completely different.

I highly doubt children know the staff at the children’s home or their foster parents but hey ho.

Why would they need all of her? It would be a great opportunity to teach them too about compassion. It would be tough, but the other children would understand why mum was splitting her time. I'm sure they'd prefer that than to feel guilty about the trauma on their half siblings.

No, you've misunderstood me.

My comment was indicating that suggesting OP shouldn't do it, because the ex wouldn't do it is flawed. Because the relationship with the children is completely different (OP has a parental type relationship to her step children. Ex isn't related at all to OPs children).

I've said YABU because I can see why he would be upset by that. But then I can also see that, in reality, should that (very unlikely!) situation occur that you would not want to take them on. That said, I'm not sure you would have any choice in the matter anyway. They are not your family and so I don't see how you would be granted custody anyway. I suppose if they live with you some of the time and their mum some of the time, should this scenario occur, then it would be awful for the children to suddenly have to go off and live with someone else.
So I guess, YABU to be so dismissive of his feelings as silly even if it is a made up scenario.

You really need to ask that question? It would also be a great opportunity to teach them that their mum has their well-being at the forefront of her mind in a very difficult time.

Ignoring you is unacceptable.

id be asking wtf he and his ex were doing together to die together anyway.

I know. I was just saying that they don’t know their half sibling’s mum, well they don’t know people at the children’s home either. So it doesn’t really matter if they don’t know the ex if there are children going to places where they don’t know people. They would get to know her.

@JustAnotherManicNameChange
Not emotional blackmail at all.
The OP has certainly made her feelings known. She doesn’t come over as being emotionally invested.
I am a SP & would immediately offer to look after my dear SC should this unlikely scenario occur. Money wouldn’t come into it. We would manage.
I think her DP will feel continue to feel extremely sad at her view.

To those who say 'you should have had this discussion before your got married', it's not difficult to imagine one might say yes, of course I'll take them on full time were you and your ex to die. The children are small and cute, you can deal with it.

And then along come your own children, and perhaps that reveals a difference between the feelings you have for your own child and the feelings you have for someone else's. And maybe the arrival of new children at a time when perhaps DH's children are getting older and a bit more hormonal creates new pressures and stresses that OP never imagined. And this is all without his ex wife being difficult, or any of the children being diagnosed with a disability or MH issues, or having them at home for months at a time during lockdown and really struggling. I know parents who've been through terrible times with their children and have periods when they really don't love them.

Loads of people walk up the aisle and say that they promise to love and honour each other till death — and around 42% end up divorcing. I'm sure lots of people say to their partners that of course they'll love and look after stepchildren and then things get more complicated. Abandoning a second marriage and a second family over a hypothetical discussion because the OP doesn't feel the way he thinks she should doesn't make her the problem — he's the problem.

YANBU, some men (and women) seem to have this idealised image in their heads that spouse loves their sole children like their own. Whilst that can happen, it’s not realistic when the children have their own mum! It’s like men see it as a personal achievement to have a new wife and mother for their kids.

Whilst I can see that DSC may want to live with their half siblings, it’s not as simple as that and OP may not feel appropriate to act as the de facto parent in that situation.

OP, do you really think if you had kids that you don’t share with DH that he would take on that sole parenting role?