AIBU? Would this conversation upset you?

[GroundFogDay]

DH is currently not talking to me and I think he's being a bit ridiculous.

We were talking last night about hypothetical situations, wasn't a serious conversation at first but then he brought one up and asked what I'd do in a situation where both he and DSCs mum had died, he assumed I'd say they'd stay living with me but I answered honestly that they wouldn't and I'd assume would go to some family or another (H doesn't have much family but their mum has some).

It got pretty serious then, the conversation, with DH asking me why I wouldn't want them to live with my and our children and again I answered honestly that I wouldn't want to become full time parent to two more children and I didn't think it was my responsibility.

He was upset by it, we argued and now he's still not talking to me. AIBU to think he's being silly over a situation that is very very unlikely to ever actually happen?! And I guess AIBU to have said what I said when he asked? I'm surprised in that situation he'd expect me to be the one to take on DSC full time rather than their families (DH and exs).

I feel ridiculous having an argument over a situation that's not even going to occur. But he says it shows how I really feel i.e. about them not being responsibility. Would you be hurt if your spouse said what I said?

YABU you'd be hurt if your spouse said the same.

YANBU he shouldn't be expecting it anyway and it's silly to argue over a hypothetical.

That is what I think, you can think what you like ok?

I was wondering what the Mum's thoughts on this might be.

If she has an OH & more kids & would like they all to be brought up together?

Or she has a partner who she'd like them to stay with?

I don't mean this to sound unhelpful, but was this never touched on before you married? How has such a mismatch of expectation come about?

Thinking about this scenario alot. It's highly unlikely that both your husband, and his ex would die at the exact same time. So if your husband died, I'm pretty sure the ex would keep 100 percent custody of the children. If she dies when they're still young, her family would take them. However if the ex died first, I'd assume your husband would keep them full time. When he dies (while they're young) legally they'd stay with you.

It’s good to have this out in the open, at least you both know how each other feel. It may be a deal breaker for your DP.

What would it say about a man who had left his second wife because, in a theoretical 'what if?' situation she had let slip that she wasn't automatically prepared to take on his children from his previous marriage in the event of them being orphaned?

Would he expect his third wife to take on the OP's children as her own in the event of OP? What would wife number three (because he's got four children and so he's going to need a wife to help him with them) have to say about that?

What kind of prince is this man, that he'd abandon his second family because his wife has enough sense of self to say no, actually, I couldn't cope with all four children on my own.

I think all the people who slyly suggest that OP's husband may end the relationship because of her honesty have failed to think through what this says about him.

I'm not a step parent so can't relate exactly, however I imagine for me the type of relationship would be like I have with nieces and nephews. I'd take any of them in a heartbeat- even the ones on my dh side who I am not blood related too.

So he plucked a hypothetical question out of the air and is now sulking about the hypothetical answer you plucked out of the air!

What a fool

Nobody knows what they would do until the particular circumstance arises then the adults make the best of it. Social Services would no doubt be involved to a greater or lesser extent whatever gets written in a will. What happens to children is not like working out who gets the fish knives or the best china.

*Is it the same as saying if you and your DH died, your own DC should go to his ex-wife?

That's bonkers isn't it? She's not related to them.*

Yes that's bonkers, presumably they don't know the ex wife and the ex wife didn't get a say in OPs DH marrying someone with children? Ridiculous comparison. OP DH is related to the children through marriage.

I cannot believe the amount of posters that have married someone but see their combined children as separate. How does that work? Does one parent do everything for only theirs and vice verse? That's not a family, that's 2 adults living together who happen to have kids and I feel sorry for children in that situation, knowing that their 'second best' in their own home (and yes, their parents home is their home').

It's also very strange people who wouldn't want their DH looking after their children should both their parents die, why marry someone and bring them into your child's home if you don't trust them?

Absolutely bizarre. Perhaps the reason you 'don't have that sort of relationship with them' is because they pick up on how you feel about them?

If I was your DH I'd be incredibly thinking I married someone and became a family only to find out how they truly felt and I'm not sure I could get passed it.

Hypothetically what if your Mum wasn't around and you and your DC Dad died, presumably you wouldn't expect your DH to do anything but visit them in care occasionally?

All these children being moved into homes with adults without a choice, the adults have a choice but go ahead with it anyway despite knowing either A. they will never see their step children as equal or B. the adult they brought into their children's lives isn't fit to parent.

I bet there wouldn't be the same expectation of the ex's partner in your DH's mind. Perhaps your DH is thinking that you would continue looking after the kids 50/50 with the ex's partner though 😅.

Why he thinks this is a better option than having his own blood relatives look after his children is beyond me!

I wouldn't want my son to go to my husband either. It would be either my sisters' or mum. He doesn't have close family though so that's probably why he is upset.

This is it. You love them as family (or should do!).

I never married my ex, we've now been separated 10 years and he still takes both our children and the DC I already had when we met. He makes no difference between them and never has done. There's enough love to go around!

Because they spend 50% of the time at OP house where he thought when he married her that meant they were a family?

Yanbu, but your answer has told your husband that you have no real feelings for his children at all.

God I really wish people wouldn’t spout these ridiculous, manipulative, spit your dummy out type of comments!
It’s entirely possible to have feelings for the children and not be their parent (whether their parents are alive or dead).
The OP would have herself and her children to think about. Stupid comments about how she has no feelings for the stepchildren is extremely manipulative when she would be at a very vulnerable time in her life.

My db is divorced with a 50/50 custody arrangement and if this scenario happened in our family I would not expect either step parent to take sole responsibility of the step children and I'd step up to the job as their Aunt, or the grandparents would. So I don't think yabu for saying no at all.

I'd be hurt but I'd expect to be in a minority here' as in Mumsnetworld most people don't want anything to do with their step kids. (I do wonder why they marry/live with someone who has kids in that case).

Obviously my thoughts on the matter would dependant on the relationship I had with the stepkids and their relationship with any of their other family. But in theory I'd be for looking after them.

@Aaaaandbreathe But it is as @sherbertyellowteddy says, a parent would normally expect their blood relatives to take over in this situation?

I would take my sister's children for instance, if she and her child's father died.

OP has said that the children's GPs have a closer relationship with the children than she does. It makes absolute logical sense that the ex's family would take the children in.

From a legal perspective step parents have NO legal parental rights. You don’t gain parental responsibility by marrying a parent. You can gain it by going through the court and having the approval of both parents.

Your DH is completely ignoring the rights of his ex, the mother and her family and grandparents (who if involved I suspect would petition and get custody).

where would your children go in the same hypothetical

A step parent is a relative.

When I married my husband I took on a parental role with my step kids.

If anything happened to DH and I remarried I would expect them to have a parental role with my kids. If they felt differently to me that would be a fundamental difference in values and I would end the relationship.

I don’t think there is anything batshit about that. The only batshit thing here is that this difference of opinion wasn’t discussed before they got married and had their own kids.

That's bonkers isn't it? She's not related to them.

But if the man is dead, then BOTH (NOT 1) women only have their own children to think about. OP would have no more obligation to take on the dsc than the mum of dsc would have to take OP’s children on.

And if the dad died first, then the relationship would dwindle between the OP and the dsc anyway as they would be with their mum full time. Why would she then be first on the list to take the dsc if their mum then dies? Or even show a willingness to be? What if Op has moves away, or meets someone else? Had another child? Or downsized her house by then?
Why should she be ready and waiting to potentially upheave her life by taking dsc in with her?

You're still being defensive about it instead of appreciating that it would be upsetting for him to hear that his DCs wouldn't stay together and that you'd have no issues with them going elsewhere.
fwiw you say you'd assume DCs would go to GPs but most people I know wouldn't want their GPs to take their DCs because they're older. In fact, I don't know anyone who wants their DCs to go to GPs.

Hmm, but the OP has told her husband how she feels now if the situation were to arise, has she not? She is not in a very vulnerable time in her life at present. The husband is very aware of who else the OP would have to bring up. The OP has not given him any sign in how she answered that she has any real love for his children. No dummy spitting involved.

I agrée with this. If they lose their parents, living away from their oblongs would be very hard too!

I do understand it would be very hard for you to have two extra children to look after as a single person.

Maybe an answer around doing your best to support them, etc, to show you care somewhat would have been better. He might think you don’t care for them at all now and wonder what you think of them.

He’s being unreasonable not talking to you though!

No she isn’t vulnerable now, but she would be if he died.

I understand your stance but think it’s pretty cold to be so black and white about it. It might be kinder to have said you’d want to play a part and keep half siblings close but would make arrangements with the dsc wider family as you couldn’t cope with sole care.

The children are his responsibility and he should have had this conversation with you already.
They're difficult issues but need to be aired and arrangements made re the worst case scenario.