Nursery issue - Toddler was told not to tell me

[crimsonpeak]

What would you do in this situation?

DD (2) is a lively, chatty and happy little girl. After I picked her up from nursery today she told me that another little girl had hit her on the hand with a toy and that she had told the little girl that she was going to tell me about what she had done. She then said a member of staff had told her not to tell me.

So - a nursery worker told my child not to tell
me about an upset at nursery. I am not concerned about the ‘incident’ - neither child was injured, kids snatch and bash, it’s what they do and it’s our job to help them develop into kind and thoughtful adults. My concern is that my DD was told not to tell me about it. I think in any context this is not the right thing to be saying to a child, whether you think the incident was minor or otherwise.

I raising my DD to know that she is to come to me and tell me if anything has upset her. If someone has hurt her etc. I have my own history of childhood trauma so it is very important to me that my child knows that she can come to me, always. I was told not to tell about what was happening to me as a child and I didn’t and things got very bad for me.

I have spoken to nursery who seem more concerned about my child’s behaviour towards the other girl than about my concerns that they have told a child not tell their mother something that upset them. They said my child put their finger in the other girls face and was unkind and made the other girl cry. I said I didn’t condone that but that was not my main issue.

The manager said they want to talk to my child about how to be kind at nursery and I have said I am fine with this but I also want to be present to reiterate that she can come to me and tell me anything. I now feel this is too much and what actually should have happened is at the time of the ‘incident’ the staff should have said what she did was not right but that she could talk to me about it, of course. The manager described my child as wilful and that if she was male she probably wouldn’t have responded with such upset - to which I said that I know my child is ebullient and I don’t want her to be inappropriate with other kids but also I do feel that as soon girls are told too young that they need to ‘be kind’ and effectively smile and suck it up.

AIBU? What would you do now in my shoes? I feel very upset about it but also relieved that my little one was able to tell
me about it.

Dear Lord, they are not objecting to your 2 year old talking to you, they are telling her not to threaten other children with “I’m telling my mummy on you!” For a non- event. It was the threat and aggressive behaviour from your DD they were taking issue with.

Suppose your child was being abused and the abuser told her not to tell Mummy. It’s completely unacceptable to tell her not to tell you things. She should be able to tell you everything.

Report to Ofsted, it’s a possible safeguarding issue.

Also, the manager made a sexist remark.

All these posts that are saying storm in a tea cup etc, perhaps with regards to the nature of the incident, but no caregiver should ever say, 'you don't need to tell Mummy'. Massive red flag. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

Come on, toddlers push and hit out at each other all the time. You really wouldn’t expect an incident form to be completed every time it happens would you?

Dear Lord, they are not objecting to your 2 year old talking to you, they are telling her not to threaten other children with “I’m telling my mummy on you!” For a non- event. It was the threat and aggressive behaviour from your DD they were taking issue with.

Exactly that. You've totally misunderstood the situation and the behaviour that the staff member was dealing with. It was the threat and aggressive behaviour from your DD they were taking issue with

Good lord - I understand that. I know they were taking issue with my daughter but to tell her that there was no need to tell me is MY issue. She shouldn’t be given the message by caregivers that she shouldn’t tell her mummy something.

another little girl had hit her on the hand with a toy

..and we don't know what size or weight of toy, and whether it was purposeful or accidental, and if it caused even a mark.
The person saying an incident form needs filling in every time such an incident occurs is being ridiculous. It could hav ebeen a plastic toy teaspon that the other girl tapped her with deliberately, or it could be a full sized wooden abacus that she hit her with accidentally.

HNRTFT but a complete storm in a teacup …a non event! Toddlers are the reason they are called toddlers!!

Thankyou. This was exactly my experience. I suppose someone will now accuse me of being triggered etc and therefore being over sensitive but in reality I am just a mother who wants her little girl to know that she can come to me with anything. I don’t want her to be alone with her thoughts (in any circumstance) like I was.

If my child later told me they were hit at nursery I would. I've had to sign forms where they've been the "victim" and "perpetrator " , where it's been significant enough for a child to mention it afterwards , it's significant. So yes, put it on the record.
On second read, I'm way more concerned about the "not telling Mummy" element, what else then slips into that bracket?
I place my kid in nursery all day, I'd like to know about any incident that they were clearly still thinking about the later that day. Welfare of the child is paramount

She issued a threat to the other girl. The staff member handled it correctly in telling her not to carry out that threat.
Why did DD say that she'd 'tell on her' to you? Because she wanted to frighten her and make her worry that you'd tell her off. That's how kids do threats. The staff member was right to tell her not to threaten the other girl.

Good lord - I understand that. I know they were taking issue with my daughter but to tell her that there was no need to tell me is MY issue. She shouldn’t be given the message by caregivers that she shouldn’t tell her mummy something.

So you think the nursery worker should sit by and watch your DD tell another child they are going to tell their mummy on them? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that worker telling your child that they should not be threatening another child in that way.

How would you feel about a child threatening yours, OP? Because this behaviour at 2 leads to bullying if not corrected.

@crimsonpeak I’d love to know what you think the nursery should do with a child who is threatening another child with “I’m telling my mummy on you” whilst pointing her finger in the other child’s face.

For clarification it was a wooden shape sorter. My DD said it hurt at the time but feels fine now.

At our setting we tell parents if there’s been a significant incident between their child and another but explain that we can’t identify which other child was involved (9 times out of 10 the child will tell their parent/s who it was anyway and we can’t do anything to prevent that). Unfortunately we occasionally get kids who make things up about other children and we get accused of not telling parents of ‘incidents’ that haven’t actually happened. But your child shouldn’t have been told not to tell you if something happened to her.

I think it's good you've asked for other views to try and weigh up your own response, but you must listen to your gut. Something was said to your daughter that completely transgressed your boundary lines of how you need to protect and nurture her.

That's one issue.

The second issue is how the nursery responded when you raised it with them. Turning it into a finger-pointing dynamic by suddenly raising your daughter's behaviour, when this has never previously been mentioned to you, is pretty revolting. This nursery is not thinking about your child or any other, but about their own backs.

Listen to your gut.

I will be discussing this with nursery. Obviously I don’t want my child to be aggressive towards other children. I want to know more about the circumstances leading up to what happened. I have seen my little girl at play with others and beyond the typical snatching there has been nothing to raise my concerns about her social development, and nursery have never raised any issues previously. I also want to know what nursery will be doing in the future to appropriately respond to minor events of this nature.

Glad someone else picked up on the managers comments re boys.............they need some equality & diversity training as well as safeguarding training!

Thankyou - I really appreciate your considered response. My DH said he felt their response was very defensive. I did call at 15 minutes before closing so perhaps they were feeling quite fraught and I imagine quite keen to go home after a long day. I think I will get more idea about their position on things tomorrow morning.

From your posts, I can't see how you can leave her in the nursery. You now have the belief that the staff and the manager are happy to tell your daughter that she shouldn't tell her mummy things. And you fundamentally disagree with that. You will always wonder from now on if your child's version of any event is being influenced by the staff. To not remove her is just going to leave you with a constant question mark over everything that happens there. That would be a poor situation for all three of you.

God this place is weird sometimes. How can a two year old "threaten" another by saying they're telling their mummy? Language matters.

Genuinely shocked that so many posters cannot see how completely inappropriate it is for a nursery worker to tell a child not to tell their parent something. It actually doesn't matter whether the nursery were sorting it out themselves, no child should be discouraged from telling their parents something even if something small, that is safeguarding 101, anyone working with kids should know this.

OP- years ago, I removed my child from her first nursery because one day I went to pick her up and was told she hadn't been allowed to have a special biscuit at tea time because she'd "been naughty" by hitting another child. She was 18 months old at the time. Go with your gut.

Sounds like your daughter hurt the other girl first and then threatened to tell on the other girl when she retaliated. The nursery worker quite rightly pulled her up on it. Happens a lot with two year olds. I think you’ve essentially misunderstood what the worker was saying and I’m sorry but over reacting a little. Spats between two year olds are very common.

Thankyou. I am sleeping on it tonight but yes, in all honesty how can I now trust them to look after her in the way that aligns with my own views?

This. As a teacher for many years, I think this is what happened. You sound like a parent who is hard work, OP.