Nursery issue - Toddler was told not to tell me

[crimsonpeak]

What would you do in this situation?

DD (2) is a lively, chatty and happy little girl. After I picked her up from nursery today she told me that another little girl had hit her on the hand with a toy and that she had told the little girl that she was going to tell me about what she had done. She then said a member of staff had told her not to tell me.

So - a nursery worker told my child not to tell
me about an upset at nursery. I am not concerned about the ‘incident’ - neither child was injured, kids snatch and bash, it’s what they do and it’s our job to help them develop into kind and thoughtful adults. My concern is that my DD was told not to tell me about it. I think in any context this is not the right thing to be saying to a child, whether you think the incident was minor or otherwise.

I raising my DD to know that she is to come to me and tell me if anything has upset her. If someone has hurt her etc. I have my own history of childhood trauma so it is very important to me that my child knows that she can come to me, always. I was told not to tell about what was happening to me as a child and I didn’t and things got very bad for me.

I have spoken to nursery who seem more concerned about my child’s behaviour towards the other girl than about my concerns that they have told a child not tell their mother something that upset them. They said my child put their finger in the other girls face and was unkind and made the other girl cry. I said I didn’t condone that but that was not my main issue.

The manager said they want to talk to my child about how to be kind at nursery and I have said I am fine with this but I also want to be present to reiterate that she can come to me and tell me anything. I now feel this is too much and what actually should have happened is at the time of the ‘incident’ the staff should have said what she did was not right but that she could talk to me about it, of course. The manager described my child as wilful and that if she was male she probably wouldn’t have responded with such upset - to which I said that I know my child is ebullient and I don’t want her to be inappropriate with other kids but also I do feel that as soon girls are told too young that they need to ‘be kind’ and effectively smile and suck it up.

AIBU? What would you do now in my shoes? I feel very upset about it but also relieved that my little one was able to tell
me about it.

Thankyou. I’m not surprised - typical response on most posts, you go looking for support/advice and are met with derision and suspicion or accusations that you’re being over the top. I was perfectly reasonable on the phone to the nursery manager. The worker explained what happened in the background on the phone. I said I did not want to get them into hot water but that I felt it to be a learning point not to tell children they can’t tell their mother about something that happened in nursery, especially as it undermines the message I tell my children that they can and should trll
me about anything that has upset them. I will know more tomorrow. I have been mostly happy with the setting up until now and have another child who was there until fairly recently. She’s ok - I’m glad that she was able to tell me.

Sounds like your child is maybe using you as a threat 😆 which obviously isn't nice for the other child, I can see how a member of staff would try to diffuse this by saying that they didn't need to tell you anything.

Could it be a case of 'I'm telling my mum, you're going to get into trouble' and the nursery worker saying 'no you're not'

I don’t think they’re trying to cover anything up at all - more like trying to reassure the other child (who became upset at the thought of my child telling me what she had done to her) that my child was not going to tell on her and downplaying the (very minor) spat by telling my child not tell me as it didn’t warrant it. My concern lies with my child being told not to tell me about something that has hurt or upset them in any kind of context. I want my child to be able to talk to me about anything that concerns them.

Yes, highly likely. My thoughts are that the nursery worker should have dealt with this in a way that didn’t lead to my child being told they couldn’t tell me something.

I wouldn't be comfortable leaving my child there after that conversation, no.

Poor thing - she's a baby!

Hmm... I'd rather my child NOT tell me and others fibs.. If the teacher was attempting to stop lies, then I'm all for it.
My own child is prone to tales, I've had to stop him with "don't say that, it's not true" many times. We'd be in with the social services long time ago if his imagination was allowed to run wild along with his mouth.

Obviously "Don't tell mummy about this" is a different ball game.

I would take her out of there OP.

My child was not lying. The worker confirmed that they had said exactly what my child had told me. Read the thread, thanks.

A "bit of a dickhead"?! She's two FGS!

I don’t think they’re trying to cover anything up at all - more like trying to reassure the other child (who became upset at the thought of my child telling me what she had done to her) that my child was not going to tell on her and downplaying the (very minor) spat by telling my child not tell me as it didn’t warrant it.

And that seems entirely reasonable to me. I don't understand why you're so riled up about it.

She is. I’m off work tomorrow so won’t be sending her - I will meet with the manager and worker as planned and hopefully can feel reassured afterwards, if not then I will
make alternative arrangements.

We're taught in safeguard training never to use language like that. There should be no secrets or mention of keeping information from an adult.

I see, thanks for clarifying. I think you should probably pull her from the nursery. It’s unlikely you’ll ever know the full ins and outs of why the nursery worker told your DD not to tell you. Even if it was a casual ‘no need to tell mummy’ as it was something so minor and/or it was viewed as ‘telling tails’, it obviously goes against your parenting philosophy. It’ll be difficult for you to trust them again, I should imagine.

…because I fundamentally do not agree with children being told they cannot or should not tell their caregivers about something, whatever it may be. It sets a precedent. I also gave information about my own childhood experiences in my original post. It is important to me that my children feel able and empowered to share their concerns and hurts with me, their mother.

What a storm in a teacup. Two year olds have an ‘I’m going to tell my mummy on you’ spat. Nursery teacher diffuses situation by suggesting mummy’s don’t need to be involved. Child tells you about it and it gets utterly blown out of all proportion. Ridiculous.

Mountain and molehill.

I am struggling with it, no doubt. It absolutely goes against my parenting philosophy. She’s been there for almost 2 years without incident and is due to be heading into pre-school later this year. She’s going to be one of the youngest in her school year and my eldest child was well prepared for school by this nursery and I wanted her to have the same experience. Knowing the staff I’m sure it was more of a casual ‘no need to tell mummy’ but I’m not on board with that message. The way my DD said it was ‘X said don’t tell Mummy, which made me feel a bit sick when she said it. I suppose it brought back some unpleasant memories for me also.

Remove her ASAP- they are deflecting, child-blaming and dismissing...just another shite nursery with no clue unfortunately :( Your DD deserves better

I don’t know if it was all as reasonable as that. My DD said ‘X said don’t tell Mummy’ and I do not like that at all. Thanks for your perspective.

THIS! I worked in a nursery too...not a great one.I have been very careful with my DD having known what can go on behind the scenes, and I'm glad I've got that insight to notice the red flags....I feel sorry for parents that don't.

Agree. I hate that saying!

Thanks for all your responses, it’s given me a lot to think about.

Not sure I would believe your child's version of events. Sounds like she was naughty as well as the other child.

Read the thread. The nursery worker and my child both said the exact same thing.

I will always take my children seriously unless proven otherwise.