Nursery issue - Toddler was told not to tell me

[crimsonpeak]

What would you do in this situation?

DD (2) is a lively, chatty and happy little girl. After I picked her up from nursery today she told me that another little girl had hit her on the hand with a toy and that she had told the little girl that she was going to tell me about what she had done. She then said a member of staff had told her not to tell me.

So - a nursery worker told my child not to tell
me about an upset at nursery. I am not concerned about the ‘incident’ - neither child was injured, kids snatch and bash, it’s what they do and it’s our job to help them develop into kind and thoughtful adults. My concern is that my DD was told not to tell me about it. I think in any context this is not the right thing to be saying to a child, whether you think the incident was minor or otherwise.

I raising my DD to know that she is to come to me and tell me if anything has upset her. If someone has hurt her etc. I have my own history of childhood trauma so it is very important to me that my child knows that she can come to me, always. I was told not to tell about what was happening to me as a child and I didn’t and things got very bad for me.

I have spoken to nursery who seem more concerned about my child’s behaviour towards the other girl than about my concerns that they have told a child not tell their mother something that upset them. They said my child put their finger in the other girls face and was unkind and made the other girl cry. I said I didn’t condone that but that was not my main issue.

The manager said they want to talk to my child about how to be kind at nursery and I have said I am fine with this but I also want to be present to reiterate that she can come to me and tell me anything. I now feel this is too much and what actually should have happened is at the time of the ‘incident’ the staff should have said what she did was not right but that she could talk to me about it, of course. The manager described my child as wilful and that if she was male she probably wouldn’t have responded with such upset - to which I said that I know my child is ebullient and I don’t want her to be inappropriate with other kids but also I do feel that as soon girls are told too young that they need to ‘be kind’ and effectively smile and suck it up.

AIBU? What would you do now in my shoes? I feel very upset about it but also relieved that my little one was able to tell
me about it.

Really?

You say you’ve spoken to nursery and they said they have concerns about your DD’s behaviour.

What did nursery staff say about the “Don’t tell mummy” part of the conversation?

Is it always like this in the holidays? So many tall tales

Am sure ofsted got bigger fish to fry 😂😂

This sounds like normal Interaction for 2 young children, though the speech does sound quite advanced, so maybe 2.5/closer to 3? Anyway, it sounds like your dd has said " I'm telling my mummy" , and nursery have responded along the lines of no need to tell mummy, as we're sorting this out just now , hopefully in an age appropriate manner.
Complaining and getting ofsted involved sounds crazy to me, but I guess it depends on how you felt the Interaction went with the nursery and the mention that she'd behave differently if male was inappropriate (if that was even said, as sounds very unprofessional)

Always teach your children - "We NEVER have secrets".

Maybe your dd told the teacher she was going to tell mummy that the other girl hit her even though she didn’t and the teacher said she shouldn’t do that. I think you should ask the teacher what actually happened before you take the word of a 2 year old as gospel!

I was already having a hard time believing this and then you threw in the part about them saying it would be different if it had been a boy. I dont believe for a second this was said.

This did happen.

I rang the manager and the worker was with her at the time. The worker confirmed that this was said to my child in the context of it not being a serious enough thing to tell me about.

Nursery staff said that they told my child not to tell me as in their eyes it did not warrant mentioning to me.

My DD is almost 3. The interaction does sound entirely typical of little ones at that age, I agree. I’m sure that the way the nursery worker tries to deal with it was a casual ‘no need to tell mummy’ but I still think this was inappropriate as my child should be able to tell me anything that concerns them.

I suspect she was told don't tell mummy, tell a member of staff. Because that's much better all round for them to deal with. They can deal with the other child at the time and look out for it happening again.
Not that she wasn't to tell you. Simply that telling the nursery leaders is better.

It was said - in the context of the manager saying if two little boys of similar age were having the same interaction that she doubted a boy would have put their finger in another child’s face and said ‘I’m telling my mummy’ and instead would have just shrugged it off.

I rang them immediately and they gave their account of events to me.

So it's a no need to run to mummy telling tales scenario, we are sorting it out now. You have gone totally over the top. It's exactly the thing most teachers would say when a child threatens another child to tell their mum
So yabu

My child told the other child that she was going to tell me about what she did (hit her on the hand with a toy).

At no point have the nursery (which she has attended for almost 2 years) has any issues with her behaviour. Only today, after I called them, have they raised anything. We have regular parents evenings and her last report was glowing.

I absolutely do. It’s really important.

? Not a tall tale. This happened and I’m asking for some perspective as I realise my own emotions and experience are colouring my response. I want to think clearly ahead of tomorrow and don’t want to overreact but also want to ensure my child is supported properly. Can’t deny that the holidays have been tough though!

Yes - absolutely accepting. They recently had safeguarding training too!

Depends - having had a fairly “wilful” and very articulate two year old, who would have responded to being hit with “I’m going to tell my mummy on you” in a nasty voice as some kind of threat, I’d be fine with nursery telling her that actually Mummy wasn’t getting involved, they were the grown ups in charge and they were dealing with it. I don’t need to hear about minor issues between two years olds in a supervised setting. My child is always welcome to talk to me, but I’d be unhappy with her using telling me as some kind of trump card/threat in a trivial spat.

Had she been actually injured by another child and been told by adults not to tell me in a “cover up” kind of way I’d obviously be making a fairly strong complaint.

Not sure why you're getting a hard time OP. I worked in nurseries for 15 years (4 different settings) and can imagine this happening. I'm just surprised that they admitted it to you. Parents only get a glimpse of what goes on when dropping off/picking up, which is what, 15 mins a day? No idea what happens for the other 10 hours. It's scary really and the very reason why I won't put my kids into a nursery setting. Of course there are some good ones out there, but there are also some very very shitty ones too. Hope your little ones ok x

I think you're right.

Logically it doesnt really make sense for a staff member to say say you cant tell your mummy, does it? If the staff member themselves hit your child or something then yes, thats a scenario in which Id imagine a you cant tell threatning, but in this case theres no reason I can think of.
As per other posters i think the context in which this was all said is very important. Did the other child accidentally hit your DD, DD got fired up and scared the child by waving finger in her face and telling her shell tell her mum? All very typical 2 yr old stuff, your DD wont be wrong as such but obviously staff would tell her the child didnt mean to hit her it was an accident and the child wouldnt be in trouble. Did the child hit her because DD was trying to take the car or was annoying her? Again, not your DDs fault, they are 2 and only learning the processof interactions but again it would be pointed out that it will all be sorted in nursery. I just cant think of a reason why it would be said in the way or for the reason you have taken it as being said tbh, but i can understand why, particularly with your own history, it would have worried you if you are assuming how/why it was said.

I don’t really understand why nursery would try to cover up another child hitting your DD? If it was a member of staff then I’d be all over it…but why would they conceal what is pretty standard behaviour when you have a group of toddlers together?

Honestly, I think we need to end this narrative around not “telling tales”. It’s part of a culture that allows bullying to thrive, and also creates adults afraid to report child abuse / neglect to the relevant authorities. (As evidenced on at least one current thread.)