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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Strangers buying us things!

159 replies

ChristmasJumpers · 13/04/2023 10:29

I am going to sound so ungrateful but please stick with me...
We had a baby 4 weeks ago and people have been so generous with giving us hand me downs including bouncers, clothes, a moses basket etc. And we got lots of presents of clothes/medicine/toys/books at her baby shower and from visitors since she was born. I'm really grateful for that and we have been taking pictures of DD in her clothes/with her toys and sending thank yous. We're lucky to be surrounded by people who love us and DD.

The problem is that we also have total strangers buying and giving gifts to us!!! DHs mum works in a big office and her colleagues who we never have and never will meet have been buying and making things for DD like crazy! She now has about 40 hand knitted cardigans, 15 (yes really) chunky blankets, 2 bouncers and so many teddies. We've nowhere to put it all but it just keeps coming! I've just had a message from DMIL with a picture of a pop vinyl toy that someone at work has bought for us and a personalised cushion with her name, DOB etc. on. I'm honestly grateful but it's never ending and we're just getting repeat presents and things we can't or won't use as they don't know us or what we already have. The house is full but DMIL thinks it's lovely of them so I can't ask her to pass on the message to stop. AIBU that it's a bit odd, they'll never meet us or DD. They clearly love DMIL but why not one collection and pass on a voucher or just the one thoughtful gift?

AIBU - People are being kind and I should just accept the gifts and be grateful
AINBU - it's a bit much for total strangers to be showering us with so many gifts

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 13/04/2023 20:28

My dds friend just had a baby and my first thought was oh she is so cute l should buy her a present but then l remember l hardly know this women as she is a work friend that l met on a few occasions. It's the baby and no doubt grandma has been talking nonstop about her new gc.

Rosula · 14/04/2023 08:21

The knitted stuff will be from people who just like knitting/crocheting and are delighted to have someone they can actually knit/crochet for. If you can, take a phone of your baby in whatever they've made, then just quietly give it away. No need to store masses of stuff.

AcrobaticCardigan · 14/04/2023 08:27

It’s so lovely that your mother in law and family are so loved! Just pass whatever you don’t need onto a women’s refuge / food bank / friends, or you could even sell online and put the money towards things you need further down the line? (Somewhere like eBay that’s anonymous of course!)

Cherry85 · 14/04/2023 08:38

I am going to sound awful but I put anything from Next or M&S straight in a bag and when infwlt up to it took it all back for vouchers. I then bought DS stuff that I needed over the next two years with that!

Baabaa75 · 14/04/2023 08:45

It's just what happens when you have a baby Tbh, we got loads from strangers to us as well, I thought it was lovely and regifted a lot of it 🤣😂

Blessedbethefknfruit · 14/04/2023 08:47

I was ready to say you were being u grateful, but actually having repeats of things like bouncers are just causing you more work/stress by trying to find new homes for them.
My mum is a knitter and I also have more cardighans and blankets than I can ever get through, but at least they're coming from family.
No advice really other than to set up a vinted account if you don't already have one. The smaller items can be sold on there and then you can use the money to buy things that you actually need?
Bulkier items on marketplace.
Although if you have as much as you say, it'll feel like a full time job at first taking all the photos 🙈
You could regift but my experience of giving things away on marketplace is it's a whole lot of hassle, constant messages asking if it's still available with no follow up, no shows etc.
Might aswell get something out of it by selling for a small amount.

liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 09:00

Get MIL to keep some of the stuff at hers. Mention that you have too much now and rehome some unpersonalised stuff. I guess your MiL has lots of friends at work and is very proud and talking a lot about her dgc

littlegingerone · 14/04/2023 09:04

Your area will have a baby bank where items are donated and then families in need can go and get things they need for their new baby free of charge. That could be a good outlet so they are still going to be really appreciated but free up some space and take the pressure off you a bit

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 14/04/2023 09:07

My mils office also gave us lots of gifts for our children. I just donated the stuff we didn't need it's not a big deal. People love babies :)

AmberGer · 14/04/2023 09:19

My own experience was pretty similar to yours.
1st DC. People went OTT. Gifts, flowers (I had so many flowers I could have opened a shop! I had to buy so many vases to accommodate them and was running out of room to put them), cards, hand me downs. Massive collection at work, vouchers, mummy and baby manicure and massages.
And visitors that I'd never seen before! Dh and I had been together almost a decade before ds was born, I had met most of his relatives but as soon as ds was born, long lost relatives all coming out of the woodwork, knocking on our door and I hadn't got a clue who they were.

When dc2 was born, hardly any acknowledgement from anybody.

Whyamiherenow · 14/04/2023 09:26

This is so normal. We have a ten month old. We were totally overwhelmed by all the gifts we received. People are just being kind but we honestly received so many gifts and still do. Christmas and Easter and any other occasion were completely overwhelming. We just said thank you. Worked out what we needed and wanted to keep and repurposed other things.

we received gifts from many unexpected places, DH ex-wife and her family - they are lovely to us but this was a big thing; MIL’s friend’s mum; MIL’s neighbours; my dad’s cousins’s husband’s sister; my work had a collection and thankfully gave us the cash rather than a gift (they asked) etc.

so much and so unexpected. People do really just go mad for babies. It is a kindness but it’s overwhelming when you already have a lot to deal with.

just keep the things you need / like and pack the other things away for when you feel strong enough to work through repurposing them.

the thing I struggled most with was writing all the thank you cards!

Shinyandnew1 · 14/04/2023 09:30

We just wouldn’t have had room for all that stuff in our little flat when DC1 was born! Space was so limited. Can you say something about space to MIL and ask her to keep it all at hers? She might see your point then!

BigTedLittleTedCardboardBox · 14/04/2023 09:40

Oh my mother is guilty of doing this. She absolutely loves knitting baby blankets, it's just what she does when watching TV of an evening. Any sniff of someone having a baby and, yes, she sets about with renewed purpose.

She's made dozens and dozens of blankets, of which only about three have gone to family members. All the rest went to friends and relatives of friends and colleagues. All unsolicited, all most likely unwanted.

When I had my child many of her friends who I'd never met knitted me blankets or cardigans, with varying degrees of talent and taste, plus I had teddy bears, socks etc etc from them. Utterly overwhelming. Writing thank yous, storing it, the guilt of not using them (most were pretty awful), the guilt of eventually charity shopping things when I finally felt I could, the guilt of not still having them when my mum mentions the friend (and their blanket). The guilt when one of my mum's friends died and she was hoping to see her blanket and I didn't have it.

I hate gifts and this is a prime example of why.

Sugarfree23 · 14/04/2023 09:43

liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 09:00

Don't do that, that's very rude, it's not like MIL is buying this stuff.
Accept with grace and pass on what you don't need

Optionshighlights · 14/04/2023 09:51

This happened, and is still happening, to me! Gave birth to twins and both my DM and DMIL have a constant stream of hand knitted clothes, personalised quilted blankets, teddy bears, paintings etc. etc. from friends and friends-of-friends I have never met. I do feel incredibly grateful that people I have never met want to keep doing this for my children (who are now not babies 😂) even though it is a bit weird.

Accept with grace, these gifts are making their donors very happy indeed 😊

alyceflowers · 14/04/2023 09:54

People love buying baby gifts, and knitters/crafters are just pleased to have a reason to make something!

I'd keep anything personalised and take everything else straight to a charity shop.

Send one thank you card and a baby photo to your MIL's office thanking everyone for the gifts. They can stick it up on the notice board.

sweetdreamstenasee · 14/04/2023 09:58

I’m expecting and dreading this a bit, our house is lovely but small and low on storage and I prefer a more minimalist approach (don’t worry, baby will have plenty of clothes, toys and books!)

my approach would be to photograph baby in every item / with every item and send to gift giver ( if you feel comfortable, understand if not when strangers are involved obviously) send pictures on with thanks or thank you notes, keep the a few bits and sell the nice stuff and charity bag the rest.

Finchgold · 14/04/2023 10:01

I had this, it was insane. I was a single mum so I think people wanted to help even more. I sent my mum to M&S, Boots and Next with bags full of clothes to swap for vouchers or bigger sizes. I had also been given huge amounts of second hand clothes which I just passed on to charities.

I appreciated the thought but it was nuts.

lostinfusion · 14/04/2023 10:02

the hand knitted cardigans & blankets I would say are just being done by people that enjoy knitting as a hobby & likely already have a house full of cardigans & blankets for themselves

KettrickenSmiled · 14/04/2023 10:06

The house is full but DMIL thinks it's lovely of them so I can't ask her to pass on the message to stop.
Sure you can.
Why does MiL's idea of how much baby stuff you can accommodate in your house trump yours?

AIBU that it's a bit odd, they'll never meet us or DD. They clearly love DMIL but why not one collection and pass on a voucher or just the one thoughtful gift?
Totally odd.
Is MiL popular & well-liked generally?
Or is she so excited about her new GC that she's talking about not much else at work?

Either way - tell her "enough".
You're going to have to sell or donate SO much stuff now!

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/04/2023 10:06

Humans evolved living in tribes, and babies would have belonged to everybody in the tribe - they would all have been responsible for looking out for that child. At heart, we are all still wired that way, and when we have the chance, love to be connected. Donate or store what you cant use, its lovely that you are doing thank yous, but maybe do a bunch at a time, rather than as things are coming in. And appreciate being cared about, because there are a lot of people who are completely isolated. Could you call your local social services and see if they can use any of the surplus?

greenlychee · 14/04/2023 10:07

you need to be fairly ruthless about getting rid of stuff. Practice the Kondo method: thank the item, and then put it in the recycling or charity bag (you'll feel better about getting rid of them).

I had this when I had a baby. I was overwhelmed with being a new mum and did not need the tens of bags of clothes that I was suddenly inunddated with. I also felt guilty about getting rid of them! Looking back now I wish I had been more ruthless about it rather than waiting!!

Stick a note on facebook to say they are free to a deserving home and you'll shift them quickly.

Olios · 14/04/2023 10:11

They are gifts to your mil from her friends as she probably talks lots about excitement of being a grandma, for her new family member

MarvelMrs · 14/04/2023 10:11

If you do give any away to charity shop or to a charity like Baby Basics, be aware of doing it locally. If your MIL or her workplace is local to you then you could end up putting a unique/easily recognised item in view and causing great offence. And your MIL would have to deal with that. Perhaps ask her to have a few
blankets at hers and box up other items for the loft and charity shop them in a year.

crochetmonkey74 · 14/04/2023 10:11

It's lovely, a way for people to express joy and love. Just count yourself lucky to have a baby welcomed into a world like this. Spread the joy and love by being equally generous and passing things on with joy to others. This is going to be a rare thing in your life so remember it fondly, rather than letting it annoy you

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