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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell your ex to stop sending 19 year old DD £500 a month when she doesn't work?

106 replies

hcarter8 · 12/04/2023 17:02

Me and Dh have been split up for 10 years, i have 2 younger kids who are 7 and 5 with someone else. My ex (who is on a extremely good wage) has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year. I know it sounds like a nice/good thing which I suppose it is but I don't want my daughter to get everything handed to her. My Dd doesn't have a job at the moment and is always out partying and shopping etc and spends the money on whatever she wants basically. I wasn't brought up like that so it's odd for me and it's making her spoilt. Me and him have a civil relationship and can speak to each other kindly and I desperately want to ask him to not send her as much money anymore because it's making her think she has no reason to get a job because she thinks "my dad will just send me the money" . I feel quite stupid asking him to stop sending the money because I know I won't hear the end of it from Dd and I'm not sure how he will react.
As i said I know when it's not the worst thing in the world and he is a good dad to her and know it's not the worst thing a parent could be doing but it's doing my Dd no favours to be getting all this money for no good reason in my eyes. I want her to work for her money.
Aibu to tell him to stop sending her so much money?

OP posts:
x2boys · 12/04/2023 17:05

You can ask.but she's 19 it ,it's up to him.really?

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:06

Good luck with “telling” your ex how to spend his money

LlamaFace19 · 12/04/2023 17:06

YABU for telling your ex what to do with his money.

Aandornot · 12/04/2023 17:06

I would have a conversation with him and explain your concerns but definitely don't 'tell' him to stop sending the money. Give him some food for thought, speak politely and leave the ball in his court. He's setting her up to be entitled and lazy.

InFiveMins · 12/04/2023 17:07

YABU, it's his money, if he wants to give her £500 a month that's his choice. Presumably it's an arrangement your DD and ex are both happy with, so leave them to it.

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:08

Speaks volumes that your solution is to “tell” your ex what to do rather than have a conversation with him

Saracen · 12/04/2023 17:08

You could charge her rent.

Jagoda · 12/04/2023 17:08

Well, I certainly wouldn’t but if you are that concerned I guess you could ask.

I would be speaking to DD about future plans and options and how she could use this money more wisely rather than asking her dad not to give it to her.

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:08

has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year.

what do you mean “whenever she’s asked”

DanielRicciardosSmile · 12/04/2023 17:09

Feel free to tell my ex whatever you like, I've not seen him in nearly 30 years!

Probably be more useful to tell your ex though.

stealthninjamum · 12/04/2023 17:09

If you get on well with your ex I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him to find a different way to support her and to encourage her to find a job. Perhaps he could invest the money for a house deposit for her a later date?

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:09

You could charge her board for a start

ASimpleLampoon · 12/04/2023 17:10

Perhaps you could meet to discuss your concerns and suggest he save it for her. Or it in some conditions? It is nice but it's undermining you.

youveturnedupwelldone · 12/04/2023 17:11

Does she live with you? If so start charging her board. It doesn't matter where her income is from, make her pay her way. I suspect your ex will stop giving her money sharpish once he realises she's having to give it to you. Then keep charging her board and she'll hopefully soon realise she needs to her a job to pay her way. Or she can go and live with him!

WoodenFloorboards · 12/04/2023 17:12

Aandornot · 12/04/2023 17:06

I would have a conversation with him and explain your concerns but definitely don't 'tell' him to stop sending the money. Give him some food for thought, speak politely and leave the ball in his court. He's setting her up to be entitled and lazy.

This. Have a discussion, tell him your concerns, maybe think about having a joint talk with DD. Find a way forward together, don't tell him or even ask him to do X.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 12/04/2023 17:12

Ask her to find a job, go back to school or move to her dad’s. Those are three good options, lazing around in the house doing nothing should not be one.

IAmMeThisIsI · 12/04/2023 17:13

I do understand where you're coming from by not wanting her to grow up spoilt and entitled. The problem is that she IS a grown up at 19. She's an adult. You're ex is an adult. There's nothing you can do about it. It's not really any of your business I'm afraid.

Aandornot · 12/04/2023 17:13

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 12/04/2023 17:12

Ask her to find a job, go back to school or move to her dad’s. Those are three good options, lazing around in the house doing nothing should not be one.

I agree with this too.

Dacadactyl · 12/04/2023 17:14

I'd bring it up with him for sure. Just say you'd like her to be getting a job, but think that the money he gives her is preventing her from having the impetus to get one.

Failing that, you could start charging her 450 quid a month rent to live with you!

ForestDad · 12/04/2023 17:14

£500/month isn't a huge amount to live on unless you are paying for everything else and so it's all spending money.

Can she drive? £500 towards lessons/car/insurance etc? Use the money to help her gain independence.

I'd be expecting a 19yr old to be paying something towards the running of the household. If she was in a house share she'd be paying more than £500/month on rent, bills and food.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 12/04/2023 17:14

Just have a discussion with him and explain your concerns as you have here. You can't "Tell" him what to do, but he might have some thoughts on it too, and it would be good to hear his side. Maybe he'd be open to paying for driving lessons or helping her in a way that isn't a disincentive to work.

BlastedPimples · 12/04/2023 17:15

Why not ask your ex to put the £500 in a high interest savings account for your dd instead?

That way he's still giving her the money but she can't spend it.

Xrays · 12/04/2023 17:15

You charge her rent, that’s how you deal with it. 😁

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 17:16

It’s not as much as she’d earn working - how is she managing by on that? Does it include all her toiletries, clothes, travel, and everything else she needs?

I’d sit her down and be a bit blunt/harsh. As in ‘you are unemployed. You can’t just lie around all day, in this house we are working or in education, not scrounging and slobbing around. What are your plans, and do you need any help to get to them?’

Patchworksack · 12/04/2023 17:19

Can you both have a chat with DD? She’s a grown adult she needs to be paying her living expenses. If your ex wants to support her then the money could be spent or saved more constructively - as others have said for driving lessons, further training or a future house deposit. What does DD want to do with her life and how can you between you facilitate next steps for her? If she doesn’t know she needs to get any job to pay her way while she thinks about it.