To tell your ex to stop sending 19 year old DD £500 a month when she doesn't work?

[hcarter8]

Me and Dh have been split up for 10 years, i have 2 younger kids who are 7 and 5 with someone else. My ex (who is on a extremely good wage) has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year. I know it sounds like a nice/good thing which I suppose it is but I don't want my daughter to get everything handed to her. My Dd doesn't have a job at the moment and is always out partying and shopping etc and spends the money on whatever she wants basically. I wasn't brought up like that so it's odd for me and it's making her spoilt. Me and him have a civil relationship and can speak to each other kindly and I desperately want to ask him to not send her as much money anymore because it's making her think she has no reason to get a job because she thinks "my dad will just send me the money" . I feel quite stupid asking him to stop sending the money because I know I won't hear the end of it from Dd and I'm not sure how he will react.
As i said I know when it's not the worst thing in the world and he is a good dad to her and know it's not the worst thing a parent could be doing but it's doing my Dd no favours to be getting all this money for no good reason in my eyes. I want her to work for her money.
Aibu to tell him to stop sending her so much money?

Its also way more than she would get on benefits so she is sitting pretty with no outgoings apart from partying

OP you cant tell him or even ask him, but you can control what you expect if she still lives with you. She either needs to move out or move back to his house if she wont get a job (and keep it)

She wont be entitled to benefits because her income is too high (the income he provides) so she isnt even having her NI contributions made.

If she's living with you and you don't like her attitude, then you need to set boundaries or she can live with Daddy.

Have you had any conversations with her about long term goals - is she going to college, Uni etc?

Do you need her to pay rent?

Tbh if she's sat at home every day doing nothing but also splashing the cash on fancy clothes and an active social life I can see why it's getting to you but you have no say in what your ex does for his kid.

Start charging rent? Assuming she lives with you. Otherwise I wouldn't interfere tbh. It probably isn't great, but her dad has a high income and a lot of young people with wealthy parents buy £350 shoes. I wouldn't encourage it, but it's common enough.

YABU.
it’s his money, he can spend it how he wants. I think it’s nice he wants to spend it on his DD.

If you have a constructive relationship you need to have a conversation with your ex. Then you can explain the detriment that her monthly allowance is creating. If he is approachable you could suggest that he would be better giving her a much smaller amount and then saving the difference for her to be given when she is more responsible or when considering a life purchase like property.

Most people I know even very wealthy ones have expectations that their 19 year olds do something with their lives other than shopping and partying. They certainly don't fund £350 shoes on a whim.

I don't think the way to teach her is to stop her getting that valuable monthly payment?! She could start saving that surely it's better for her to have it. £500 a month won't cut the mustard forever

Context is needed. You say your daughter has no job, is she studying? How does she spend her time beside shopping and partying?

YANBU

I can understand your frustration totally.

I would prefer if he ad £500 a month to spare he put it into a savings account for her.

As a mother of a lazy teen I believe he is just enabling her to not take responsibility for herself.
Unhelpful in the long term.

Is she at college, there is no way she's not going to work at all, what career is she interested in

When I was at uni I had a part time job that gave me about £500 a month in the summer. It paid for two nights out a week and some new clothes (nothing very expensive).

£125 a week isn’t that much for a socially active teen in some circles. A taxi home was almost a tenner!

I didn’t have to contribute to the household because I was a student. But I couldn’t afford holidays, couldn’t have run a car, couldn’t go out to dinner much.

don’t get mE wrong - I was lucky and I had a ball. But it was a kids life. Not sustainable at all and totally incomparable to a working adult.

My spending patterns are completely different now.

but I would have been completely depressed if someone told me I would be living forever with my parents spending £500 a month on nights our etc with no prospect of my own house, my own car, travel plans etc.

this girl needs to grow up. £500 a month is not sufficient to live off if you have to support yourself. She needs to grow up

Absolutely this. Mention she's acting quite entitled and wondered what he thought. Maybe he could offer to help her out / help her save if she gets a job.

You're giving her more than £500 a month by allowing her to live rent free...

@SilverGlitterBaubles

Op hasn't said what she is doing with her life. Just that she doesn't have a job

For some people £350 on shoes isn't even considered that big a deal 😬

I don't mean me btw. I've never spent that on shoes. But I do know families where this is normal. Classic Chanel bags for Christmas etc. I couldn't do this but some people can and do.

in dont see the issue she's young and allowed to party and have a good time good for her

Agree why has OP updated and not told us what her DD is doing? Very one sided.

Mental

YABU
This is between your DD and her dad. They are both adults.
Instead of being jealous she is getting something you didn’t get at her age and calling her “spoiled”, this is the perfect opportunity to give her a bit of financial education. Imagine if she opened a LISA? And put half the money away every month.
Instead of knocking back your daughter, you should be helping her get set up in life.

If my relationship broke down and I wanted to score points, this is how I'd do it. It might not be his intention, but it's genius!

Throwing money at his daughter is a win for him because she'll think he's awesome. He's the fun one that spoils her, and every aspect of their relationship is spoiling her... but if you tell him to stop or put up any sort of barrier, you're the asshole.

Jealousy is an ugly colour OP.

This.

I don't think you can dictate what your ex does with his money.

Of course YABU to tell him what to do. YANBU to share your concerns with him - you don't really need to ask anyone about that though, surely it's just a standard conversation between parents wherever there is a worry. What is the reason she doesn't have a job? Had she had one previously? I'd speak to ex and see his opinion before sitting down with dd

Not reasonable. My dad did that for me, similar sort of sums. It meant I could enjoy myself. We have a great relationship and I'm not a spoilt wanker - I got a job straight out of uni and now have a senior position and two kids.

Don't be the jealous parent.