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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell your ex to stop sending 19 year old DD £500 a month when she doesn't work?

106 replies

hcarter8 · 12/04/2023 17:02

Me and Dh have been split up for 10 years, i have 2 younger kids who are 7 and 5 with someone else. My ex (who is on a extremely good wage) has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year. I know it sounds like a nice/good thing which I suppose it is but I don't want my daughter to get everything handed to her. My Dd doesn't have a job at the moment and is always out partying and shopping etc and spends the money on whatever she wants basically. I wasn't brought up like that so it's odd for me and it's making her spoilt. Me and him have a civil relationship and can speak to each other kindly and I desperately want to ask him to not send her as much money anymore because it's making her think she has no reason to get a job because she thinks "my dad will just send me the money" . I feel quite stupid asking him to stop sending the money because I know I won't hear the end of it from Dd and I'm not sure how he will react.
As i said I know when it's not the worst thing in the world and he is a good dad to her and know it's not the worst thing a parent could be doing but it's doing my Dd no favours to be getting all this money for no good reason in my eyes. I want her to work for her money.
Aibu to tell him to stop sending her so much money?

OP posts:
Singapore4 · 12/04/2023 17:22

ASimpleLampoon · 12/04/2023 17:10

Perhaps you could meet to discuss your concerns and suggest he save it for her. Or it in some conditions? It is nice but it's undermining you.

Exactly shocked at some of the comments. What does your DD do exactly? You need to speak to ex and explain to him that £500 is a lotnof money.

Has she ever had a job at all OP? She lives in OPS house not with ex for a reason presumably....

Coffeellama · 12/04/2023 17:26

What’s her plan for the future OP, is she done with education now or having a gap year? Is he giving her this money because it’s the money he would have once paid in maintenance?

Xjshdvf · 12/04/2023 17:26

I think you could have a conversation with him where you say this is the issue that you’re worried about and what does he think.
Also if he doesn’t stop you should expect a contribution to the household out of that money

Frankola · 12/04/2023 17:30

Well for starters you can't "tell" your ex to do anything. Maybe try a conversation.

If he wants to send it to her directly, perhaps start charging her rent and contribution to household bills like the food shop, gas bill etc.

Or maybe you could suggest he creates a savings account for her and puts it in there for a later date?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/04/2023 17:30

I think I would have a conversation with him about your concerns about your DDs lack of direction and motivation to get a job, perhaps figure out you can work together on how to support and motivate her. The allowance is part of that conversation. Is she going to university or doing further studies in something or just literally shopping and living it up on her dad's allowance?

Original poster
hcarter8 · 12/04/2023 17:31

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:08

has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year.

what do you mean “whenever she’s asked”

What i said literally. Whenever she wants to buy shoes or clothes from flannels she asked him for money has been one instance. She spent £350 on shoes and £100 on a top. This is what's annoying me more she doesn't even save it she speaks every last bit. She's not responsible

OP posts:
SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/04/2023 17:32

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 17:16

It’s not as much as she’d earn working - how is she managing by on that? Does it include all her toiletries, clothes, travel, and everything else she needs?

I’d sit her down and be a bit blunt/harsh. As in ‘you are unemployed. You can’t just lie around all day, in this house we are working or in education, not scrounging and slobbing around. What are your plans, and do you need any help to get to them?’

Really? If she is living at home and not paying bills, rent or food I think that's quite a lot of disposable income for a 19 year old

drpet49 · 12/04/2023 17:34

She can start paying you rent then.

Patchworksack · 12/04/2023 17:35

hcarter8 · 12/04/2023 17:31

What i said literally. Whenever she wants to buy shoes or clothes from flannels she asked him for money has been one instance. She spent £350 on shoes and £100 on a top. This is what's annoying me more she doesn't even save it she speaks every last bit. She's not responsible

Show quote history

If she’s irresponsible with money that’s on both of you. Where does the expectation she can freeload come from? Haven’t you both discussed with her what happens when she leaves education?

Original poster
hcarter8 · 12/04/2023 17:35

Sorry when I wrote this I was ranting I didn't mean it to come across as I was telling him what to do with his money and yes I understand that she is 19 and can accept whatever moneys he wants off someone but I've noticed her attitude change and she's becoming more and more entitled which is bothering me a lot. I will listen to what everyone said and try and have a proper sit down conversation with both him and Dd and maybe think of a way that would make her less reliant on him for money and be able to make her own way.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 12/04/2023 17:35

Does she live with you? If so it’s fair to ask her for rent and to get a job. Of course, she could then choose to move in with her father instead of she doesn’t like your terms.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 17:36

I'd ask to have a chat with him about how you both could teach dd money management. Rather than demand he stops giving her money

EllandRd · 12/04/2023 17:36

Sorry but YABU, I understand why you are concerned, but it really is none of your business.?

Peachy2005 · 12/04/2023 17:37

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 12/04/2023 17:12

Ask her to find a job, go back to school or move to her dad’s. Those are three good options, lazing around in the house doing nothing should not be one.

Definitely this.

You could also ask your ex to meet up to discuss how you can both encourage DD to do something productive.

Hankunamatata · 12/04/2023 17:37

Perhaps he could start pension for dd and teach her about investments?

fantasyhomesbythesea · 12/04/2023 17:39

Very frustrating but it's between adult DD and her DF. And if it's been going on for a year it's unlikely to change because of your input. Can you encourage her to save or make wiser spending choices?

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 12/04/2023 17:41

I can see where you're coming from tbh......whilst you can't tell him what to do.you can point out it's holding her back from making her own way in life and ask him if he thinks he should dial it back a little.

Poppasocks · 12/04/2023 17:42

Sorry if i've missed it but could it be he's just 'replacing' the money he used to give you for maintenance?

dworky · 12/04/2023 17:44

LlamaFace19 · 12/04/2023 17:06

YABU for telling your ex what to do with his money.

But if he's a decent father who cares about his child, he'd be willing to listen.

Rayn22 · 12/04/2023 17:45

Does she pay board though? I would start asking her for a household contribution. If she asks the ex and he moans then he needs to stop subsidising her.

proppy · 12/04/2023 17:51

One of my uni friends has never worked properly , just ad hoc art things. But her parents are loaded & bought her a home outright & she has a monthly allowance. If your dd is in this situation it's pointless to stop it. However if she will need to stand on her own feet then you need to have the convo.

Skybluepinky · 12/04/2023 17:53

It’s his money he can do what he wants with it, be prepared if u moan he’ll give her more.

BellaJuno · 12/04/2023 18:00

You’re getting cross with the wrong person. Your DD is an adult - she needs to either get back into education or get a job. You need to stop subsidizing her lifestyle by letting her get away with not contributing to the household.

OnaBegonia · 12/04/2023 18:01

Pps saying it's none of your business, I'll assume this DD is living free of charge at her mothers, no job, disposable cash from daddy , I'd think most ppl would be annoyed.
OP tell her it's not an hotel
you're running.

EllieM27 · 12/04/2023 18:06

Obviously she needs to be deciding what she wants to do with herself and planning to move forward with it. Does she have any ideas or aspirations? If not, she probably needs guidance to develop those.

This stood out to me though: “I wasn't brought up like that so it's odd for me and it's making her spoilt.” Be very careful with that mentality. What your parents did for you has nothing to do with your daughter. They didn’t raise her, you and your ex did. Don’t go down the “Well I never got to have/do [x] so she shouldn’t either!” route. It always damages the relationship.