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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell your ex to stop sending 19 year old DD £500 a month when she doesn't work?

106 replies

hcarter8 · 12/04/2023 17:02

Me and Dh have been split up for 10 years, i have 2 younger kids who are 7 and 5 with someone else. My ex (who is on a extremely good wage) has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year. I know it sounds like a nice/good thing which I suppose it is but I don't want my daughter to get everything handed to her. My Dd doesn't have a job at the moment and is always out partying and shopping etc and spends the money on whatever she wants basically. I wasn't brought up like that so it's odd for me and it's making her spoilt. Me and him have a civil relationship and can speak to each other kindly and I desperately want to ask him to not send her as much money anymore because it's making her think she has no reason to get a job because she thinks "my dad will just send me the money" . I feel quite stupid asking him to stop sending the money because I know I won't hear the end of it from Dd and I'm not sure how he will react.
As i said I know when it's not the worst thing in the world and he is a good dad to her and know it's not the worst thing a parent could be doing but it's doing my Dd no favours to be getting all this money for no good reason in my eyes. I want her to work for her money.
Aibu to tell him to stop sending her so much money?

OP posts:

Atnilpoe · 12/04/2023 18:06

Have a chat with him? Suggest he starts paying it into a LISA for her instead? Having a house deposit at some point in the future would actually benefit her.

nighthawk99 · 12/04/2023 18:10

Facem81 · 12/04/2023 17:08

has sent my daughter £500 pound each month for whenever she asks for the past year.

what do you mean “whenever she’s asked”

And what do you mean by 'my dd' you have consistently referrred to in this way throughout the thread. She is his dd too! If he wants to give his daughter money, then that's his right!

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 12/04/2023 18:24

LlamaFace19 · 12/04/2023 17:06

YABU for telling your ex what to do with his money.

Jeez she is not telling him what to do with his money, she is discussing the implications of giving their daughter that much money so easily.

If they truly have a civil relationship then yes she can have the conversation with him. He’s he has every right to say no but hopefully he is open minded to see how it is affecting his daughter and do the best for her.

StepIntoMyOffice · 12/04/2023 18:24

nighthawk99 · 12/04/2023 18:10

And what do you mean by 'my dd' you have consistently referrred to in this way throughout the thread. She is his dd too! If he wants to give his daughter money, then that's his right!

Show quote history

Semantics. I'm sure OP is aware that her DD is her father's daughter too!

Mumwomansisterdaughter · 12/04/2023 18:28

Start charging your daughter for rent and food money . She is 19 and not a care in the world , bill fees to live , nil need to work .
mim assuming until she was 18 he paid child maintence ? If so tell her to pay the same if she wants a roof over her head . Or give her an alternative of studying or finding a job and you won’t change her as much .
sorry but unless she is disabled then no excuse to nit do anything at 19

nighthawk99 · 12/04/2023 18:36

Is she in education?

Stripedbag101 · 12/04/2023 18:38

£500 a month doesn’t provide much of a lifestyle beyond a few bits of clothes, a mobile phone subscription and some nights out.

charge her housekeeping - basic contribution to her food and utilities.

does she not have aspirations? A car, her own place, travel? On £500 a month can she even save for a couple of weeks away with her friends?

where does she she herself in three years? Still living with you, not working and living off £500 a month? Maybe on benefits? Ask her.

CurlewKate · 12/04/2023 18:41

@hcarter What are her plans for the future?

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 12/04/2023 18:45

Charge her rent out of it.

CuriouslyDifferent · 12/04/2023 18:48

Raise your concerns with him as part of a discussion…… Agree a message or mine that you both use - she may be twisting things between you or try to - if you upset her perfect albeit lucky/spoilt balance.

Quveas · 12/04/2023 18:50

Saracen · 12/04/2023 17:08

You could charge her rent.

This. If she doesn't like it she can move in with the ex. You can't demand anything, but you can insist on responsibility from her. He's enabling her to lead a lifestyle that is neither healthy nor sustainable. You can't force her to change either. But you can leave both of them to it. A very tough option but also a kindness that it may take her years to appreciate.

anyolddinosaur · 12/04/2023 18:58

She gets a job, pays you for her keep or studies or goes to live with daddy, who may not hand over so much cash for nothing when he's the one feeding her.

Discuss with him how it is discouraging her from doing anything productive and he is doing her no favours.

Oldnproud · 12/04/2023 19:00

@Stripedbag101 · Today 18:38
£500 a month doesn’t provide much of a lifestyle beyond a few bits of clothes, a mobile phone subscription and some nights out.

Seriously?

WiddlinDiddlin · 12/04/2023 19:02

If you're funding her by housing, feeding etc etc and she is not in full time education... then frankly you're as bad as her Father in not setting her up to be motivated to work!

I think you both need to have a chat about her, not tell one another what to do, but talk about whats going on with her and how you can give her the push she clearly needs and avoid her thinking she can coast along with her parents funding her every whim!

theleafandnotthetree · 12/04/2023 19:11

Oldnproud · 12/04/2023 19:00

@Stripedbag101 · Today 18:38
£500 a month doesn’t provide much of a lifestyle beyond a few bits of clothes, a mobile phone subscription and some nights out.

Seriously?

I know right? Hell of a lot more disposable income than most WORKING adults 🙄

Whiteroomjoy · 12/04/2023 19:11

Ok, 2 approaches

as others said start charging her £500 for rent and board- take out amount it cost and you put rest into savings account for her to give to her when she’s earning and independent
You discuss with ex your con nerds. He reduces amount he actually sends her and then puts rest into a savings account for her to give to her…….

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 19:13

SilverGlitterBaubles · 12/04/2023 17:32

Really? If she is living at home and not paying bills, rent or food I think that's quite a lot of disposable income for a 19 year old

Show quote history

Yes, I suppose. I might be a bit out as obviously I do pay bills! But I mean £500 to last you a whole month with all travel, things like food/toiletries/clothing/phone bill, going out. If she goes out a lot I wouldn’t think it goes too far. Unless her mum is facilitating her too, in which case it is totally spending money.

Kanaloa · 12/04/2023 19:16

I mean even car payments/insurance would take a big chunk of that. I know it’s not a tiny amount of money but I do think as a young healthy person you’d want to work so you could have a bit more!

Silentmama · 12/04/2023 19:16

Ask your ex- to put the money in an account for her so she can eventually have a 'big purchase' .. car holiday house.. and that for every day spends she needs to start budgeting - (he could give her a small income)

OR ask your daughter to start paying rent at home - towards bills and food - and put the money into an account for her.

Stripedbag101 · 12/04/2023 19:18

theleafandnotthetree · 12/04/2023 19:11

I know right? Hell of a lot more disposable income than most WORKING adults 🙄

Show quote history

But if that’s her for life - of she doesn’t intend on having any other income. It’s okay if she is living at home and not contributing a penny but it won’t pay for a car or a holiday. For a 19 year old it’s nights out and cloths and a phone subscription as long as someone else pays the other bills. As soon as she has to meet grown up costs it’s a pittance.

most working adults pay rent and electricity and food and petrol and car payments and council tax and tv licence.

£500 is great if it’s pocket money for a teenager - but it’s not sustainable for a lifestyle this girls clealry wants.

that was the point I was trying to make.

you can’t compare this to real life - this girl isn’t living a real life. She needs a shock - she needs to pay rent and buy food. The £500 wouldn’t cover her existence

OnMyWayToSenility · 12/04/2023 19:23

Surely she's paying her way at home?

Maybe talk to her mum and ask her if she's paying for her up keep, because I would if that was my teen

viques · 12/04/2023 19:26

If you are subsidising your dds lifestyle by not expecting her to work and to contribute to household living expenses like rent, heating, lighting, hot water, food, broadband etc etc then you are as guilty as he is of teaching her that life is a freebie. He is giving her entitlement in cash, you are giving her entitlement in other ways. Neither of you are doing her any favours.

BoojaBooj2 · 12/04/2023 19:28

YABU to tell him how much to send her.
YANBU to take it off her. If she had to rent her own place £500 wouldn't even cover rent.

ColouringPencils · 12/04/2023 19:28

It sounds like you have a good relationship with ex, so I think you can talk to him about your concerns and how best to support your daughter towards becoming a responsible adult. If in doubt, make it look like his idea to channel his money into savings/investment for her benefit (I have to do this with my boss who only listens to her own ideas).

iusedtobeasize8 · 12/04/2023 19:29

So instead of paying you maintenance he's paying it to your daughter basically?

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