Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is saying no politely not enough?

151 replies

Wilberry · 12/04/2023 14:43

I'm being made to feel like I'm being completely unreasonable right now. Partner moved out a while back as he decided he needed 'space' and to be independent, he'd basically moved into my home 2 and a half years ago, and for a few months we'd been arguing as I work full time and I was also doing everything around the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, everything.

When he lived with me his kids came here when he had them and I was ok with this arrangement, but he is a total Disney dad, and his youngest DD acts like his wife, the other two kids may as well not exist and it used to rile me. Youngest DD is very manipulative and the relationship between them to me is a bit wierd, she gets what she wants when she wants or else all hell breaks loose, she's badly behaved and will jump on my sofas etc but when I said to her please don't do that, we don't jump on sofas in this house (very politely and gently), I got told off by him because she started crying saying I was being mean to her.

So he moved into his own place, but wanted us to stay together, but he would be 'independent:, have his own place, care for his kids and whatever else (not really turning out that way but that's another story). For the last week I've barely had anything from him in terms of communication, he blew me off to see his mates instead of spending our child free weekend with me, but now he thinks that as his kids are on holiday and with him that they can all come and stay at my house. I've said no, I'm busy with work, I work at home so I don't really want his kids there running around screaming and shouting, I don't really want him there either as I've come to the conclusion the relationship is going nowhere, but he's quite narcissistic and everything is so over dramatised and I'm made to be the biggest b1txh ever and feel like dirt. I also don't see why I should have to pay to feed them, wash their clothes, shower them and whatever else when he doesn't contribute to my household anymore. I feel like saying no politely should be enough without having to give 20 justifications, but I'm being bombarded asking if they can come here, AIBU?

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 12/04/2023 14:46

just tell him no, final answer. If you feel like it tell them you don't like his kids behaviour and dont want them in your house.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 12/04/2023 14:46

YADNBU. Just get rid of him. You've said the relationship is going nowhere, you don't live together, just tell him it's over. Sounds like he's only after some free babysitting anyway

VisitationRights · 12/04/2023 14:47

Yeah, fuck that. He’s done you a favour by moving out now you just need to make it permanent and move on.

gingerscot · 12/04/2023 14:48

Tell him no. You need space to be independent. He surely understands as he felt the same. Then block him and move on with your life.

GiltEdges · 12/04/2023 14:51

I feel like saying no politely should be enough without having to give 20 justifications

Saying no politely is enough. Because it's enough for you. The fact he wants 20 different justifications and still doesn't want to listen to you is irrelevant. You aren't required to justify yourself to him. So stop doing it and take back control of your own life.

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 14:54

It’s not enough because you’re not giving him the answer he wants. Nor are you giving him the solution he wants to the ‘problem’ of him having to entertain and care for his kids alone.

You might need to escalate your polite no to a fuck off instead.

Spambod · 12/04/2023 14:54

Why are you entertaining this? Why are you his servant? Op run for the hills from him he has done you a massive favour by moving out. He sounds like a nightmare.

Goldbar · 12/04/2023 14:54

YANBU. Tell him you need space too.

Or stop delaying things and just end it with him?

SummaLuvin · 12/04/2023 14:55

People on mumsnet love the phrase "no is a full sentence" but in reality when dealing with people you have a close relationship to if you are saying no to something they have requested then most of the time they will want further understanding of why.

Like, if I said to my DH "DS & BIL have invited us for the weekend in June, what do you think?" and he simply said "no, thank you" I would be confused and want to know the reason.

You are not unreasonable to not want people in your home if they make that place unpleasant for you. But you are unreasonable in being unwilling to explain to your partner why you don't want his kids around. You are also unreasonable to continue on a relationship with someone you clearly detest.

TempNCforthis · 12/04/2023 14:57

If saying no politely doesn't work then you have to be a bit tougher and say to him there is no way on this earth I want you and your family staying with me free of charge and disturbing me at work.

Comfies · 12/04/2023 14:57

Yanbu he's being really rude inviting himself and his DCs over to you. Did you used to end up doing a lot of childcare by any chance? Some people are such chancers

Tinkerbyebye · 12/04/2023 15:01

YANBU. Time to spell it out. No I don’t want you or the kids here. You do nothing, and the kids can’t behave now we have spent time apart I am not carrying on with this relationship. I will now be blocking you from all forms of communication

then crack on with your life

SupplyIsLimited · 12/04/2023 15:01

YANBU, but honestly, if the relationship is this crappy and you're ending it anyway, the best option is to just tell him that now and put an end to the whole thing.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 12/04/2023 15:03

'Sorry, that doesn't work for me.'

Every single time.

It'll piss him right off 😆

takealettermsjones · 12/04/2023 15:05

Wow. He really wants to have his cake and eat it, doesn't he? I'd laugh and tell him to jog on. I think it's over OP.

Leeds2 · 12/04/2023 15:06

YANBU.

Just be ready if he decides to turn up with them anyway, as a sort of fait accompli. If he has a key, I would make sure the door was bolted from the inside, or had a key in the lock on the inside, to prevent him letting them all in. And I wouldn't answer the door or phone when he knocked or called.

PricklyFoot · 12/04/2023 15:07

Kill two birds with one stone.

"I've said no, you're not respecting that, this is the end for us. Bye".

aureus3012 · 12/04/2023 15:09

Just reiterate that you will be working from home so it's not feasible to have children there but that you can call round to visit them if they want to see you

Acheyknees · 12/04/2023 15:09

' No, because your kids jump on my sofa'

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 12/04/2023 15:09

"As I have decided this relationship is over, it would be inappropriate to have you or your children in my home."
Watch out for him turning up with them anyway, in an attempt at emotional blackmail

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 12/04/2023 15:10

Leeds2 snap!

TheVanguardSix · 12/04/2023 15:10

No to this whole relationshit, OP. It’s run its course and he doesn’t want to hear you. 💐

Ellie1015 · 12/04/2023 15:11

He wants your help with caring for children but prefers going put with friends on childfree weekend?? If that is a regular pattern then i would finish it.

Yanbu as you are working. He is responsible for his own children. The reason he has is own place is so he can see children there as it wasnt working at yours. You are not unreasonable to say no, he is very unreasonable to even suggest it.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 12/04/2023 15:12

Rip off the plaster op. Perfect opportunity.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 15:12

Who thinks YABU?!

Of course a polite no should be enough but he’s a bullying dick head so use this as the time to tell him it’s over, properly, finally, and you won’t be seeing him or his badly behaved kids again.